Oblivion Adventures Part 22: Stealing the Show

Last time on Oblivion Adventures, our morally murky mercenary marksman tried to get a leg up on the competition. It didn’t go so well. Now, a mere, er…eight months later, the story continues…

The Waterfront District of the Imperial City leaked in more ways than one. Beyond the solid stone walls of the district proper, buildings oozed out towards the shore like urban sludge. It wasn’t the only way this shantytown resembled sludge. The living arrangements were only homes by technicality, local vernacular was 90% beatings, and its citizens bathed about as much as they paid rent. But for some unfathomable reason, this wretched hive of scum and villainy had a fairly nice little garden squirreled away between a few of its hovels.

Note I’m using some artistic license here. The GAME calls it a garden. I call it a hilariously tiny backyard without a single god damn plant in it.

It was here that a hooded figure loitered, propped up against the city wall. S’razirr was no stranger to waiting. Epic tales of heroes and vagabonds painted a picture of smooth, continuous action. Non-stop adventures of rescues and battles, close calls and suspense, hedonism and danger. The Khajiit snorted. Even as a child he’d known it was a load of imp’s gall. But exactly how much hadn’t hit him until his first time on all night watch duty in the bowels of a musty tomb. Eventually the boredom gets so oppressive even the threat of hungry undead monstrosities can’t keep you on edge. No, the vast majority of adventuring was dull as mud. It had to be. There were only so many things to kill or be killed by. And even if you knew exactly where and when to find them, everyone needed to sleep.

Oblivion Adventures Part 21: Bow-ing Pains

The sewers of the Imperial City were a bustling, thriving ecosystem. The towering monument of polished stone above was as strait-laced as can be. Things were pristinely maintained, gold flowed freely without concern, and the ratio of guards to actual citizens was near 1 to 1. The biggest threat to the police force was an imaginary man with a gray sack on his head. The closest thing the city had to back alleys were charming little decorative courtyards where you could barely hide from the blind. To put it simply, it was not a place that encouraged crime.

But crime isn’t some household pet that slinks away ashamed when given a good scolding. Like an annoyingly persistent fungus, it’s hard to get rid of and good at spreading itself where you aren’t looking. The Imperial City had a lot of people. More to the point, it had a lot of rich people. It also had an immensely sprawling sewage system, almost as spacious as the city itself. So long as the more unscrupulous members of society didn’t mind the smell or killing the occasional mudcrab (and who could object to that?), it was basically one giant rent-free, law-free living arrangement.

Oblivion Adventures Part 20: The Ceremony

S’razirr walked into the main chamber for the first time since he had entered this crazed cultist cave. There were a number of robed individuals bustling about preparing things. Then again, “preparing” might be a strong word. Apart from the ones standing guard by their leader at the altar, they were mostly just sweeping the cave floor dirt into other, apparently more desirable dirt piles.

“And that was how I killed my mother” said Darren, walking in behind him. “Serves her right for burning that loaf, eh?!”

S’razirr had tried to ignore his unfortunately friendly companion since he awoke. However, it was hard to ignore something so constant and really, excessively graphic.

“So that’s my mother, father, sister, baker, neighbor, dog, neighbor’s dog, friend’s neighbor’s mother’s dog...oh! I never told you about what I did with my teacher, did I?! Well to start I went and bought thirty feet of rope, a dead hog and a carving-”

“This is your ceremony room?” S’razirr interrupted.

Oblivion Adventures Part 19: The Day Before

Last time on Oblivion Adventures, Shush was visited in the dead of night by a mysterious stranger, who was soon given a dead flight out the inn window. The next day we escorted an eccentric nobleman through hordes of undead to place an artifact in the chamber of a forgotten king. In video game terms, this is basically asking to be betrayed. A bevy of bludgeons were shared all around. And today...

S’razirr was not having a good day.

The khajiit had always tried to lead a good life. Which, by his definition, was one wherein he did bad with enough caution to never get caught. It was a policy that had served him well ever since he’d run away from his home in Elswyr 11 long years ago. Thing is, it was the kind of lifestyle you could only screw-up once.

So he had thought when, several days ago, he’d shot a 7 foot tall hulking mound of orange-and-purple orc who’d politely asked him not to. His second request had been made with a warhammer as tall as S’razirr, and just as heavy if his nerves weren’t telling tall tales. The tales they told down the nearby cliff were quite tall, but it was hard to doubt their accuracy. Speaking of...

Oblivion Adventures Part 18: Killers and Kings

Last time on Oblivion Adventures, Shush’Ogar met surprisingly competent resistance on his latest relic-snatching heist. They were all nonetheless turned into unsurprisingly dead resistance, at least as far as he could tell. We rejoin our orcish adventurer back in the imperial city...

De elf wit de ice cream cone hair did a gasp when Shush walked in de room wit his fancy square of rock.

“You’ve done it!” he said. “You’ve actually managed to recover the high fane! Magnificent! May I please see it?”

Shush handed over de rectangle-thingy covered in squiggly lines an de fancy elf seemed real happy about dat. He turned it over in his hands a bunch an traced de lines, mumblin to himself under his breath.

“Astounding, absolutely incredible, this is just...” de elf paused an looked up. “Is that blood?”

Oblivion Adventures Part 17: Expected Surprises

Last time on Oblivion Adventures, orcish adventurer Shush’Ogar obtained a new job typical of his profession: recovering an ancient artifact. But not-so-shadowy forces are conspiring against him. Can our hero possibly survive this ordeal?! Are you kidding me? Are you not familiar with video games? Or serialized stories? Have you been paying ANY attention? Why even ask that question?! Sheesh, I swear, you readers. I’m not saying you’re stupid.

But you’re stupid.

S’razirr was scoping out the perimeter of his latest job. He was the first to arrive at the dilapidated ruins apparently named Malada. The set-up seemed simple enough. The door to the underground complex was surrounded by half-collapsed structures, in a clearing atop a steep hill. Plenty of cover, easy to box someone in, good place for an ambush. The khajiit grunted his approval and then hopped up the lower branches of a nearby tree overlooking the entrance. He nestled himself in the crook where the branch met the trunk and propped up his feet. S’razirr pulled a knife and a lump of bark out of his pocket and lazily started carving while he waited for the others.

For a while there was nothing but the early morning sounds of chirping birds and the gentle swaying of branches. S’razirr yawned and looked down at his idle carving. It was starting to look a bit like the face of his boss. The khajiit scowled and nailed the bark to the tree behind him. He sighed,  extracted the knife and pocketed it. Squinting up at the sun, it looked like he still had a while. His compatriots did not live close. He sat dozing in the tree, half-awake until he suddenly heard a sound.

*Splat*!

Oblivion Adventures Part 16: Friendly Conversations

Last time on Oblivion Adventures, our hero charged into the Arcane University and broke both people’s patience and game mechanics. This time...

Bothiel the elven wizard was having trouble keeping up with her colleague, Raminus Polus. While she had been having her upper-middle-afternoon nap, a new recruit had apparently made quite an impression on the master-wizard.

“So he just left?” she said, yawning slightly and rubbing her half-lidded eyes.

“He just left!” said Raminus, limply throwing his hands in the air. “I told him there was more he needed to know but he just barreled through the university exit. I don’t even think HE knows where he’s going, he just shouted something about ‘testin out his new magicky tings’.” Raminus dropped onto the bench beneath him and folded his arms.

“Well hey, at least he shows enthusiasm.”

Oblivion Adventures Part 15: Strongest in the Universe-ity

Raminus Polus was having a very quiet day, which was just the way he liked it. As a Master-Wizard at the Arcane University, he had reached the point in his career where he could safely do whatever he wanted and not be questioned so long as he claimed it was important. He was currently researching the sociological progression the common populace went through when simultaneously exposed to fear, excitement, boredom, increased knowledge and a sense of knowledge far greater than the actual increase. To people not questioning his research, this was known as “reading the paper.”

Of course the only animation the game has is reading a book, but it’s a newspaper in SPIRIT.

Oblivion Adventures Part 14: Future Plight

When we last left our stalwart hero, he-

Shush are so excited!

Er. What?

Shush are real real excited!

Okay, yeah, I got that. You’re not on yet though, give me a second.

Oh, okay.

Right. So as I was saying, last time we saw Shush’Ogar-

Shusharesoexcited-

Would you stop that! Shush did some quest for a crazy person or something, whatever! That’ll have to be good enough, since you won’t shut up. Now you can-

Okey so Shush are real excited on account of a great ting dat is about to happen which is Shush are gonna get his last mage-y rigging-mount-daze-on! Shush checked his countin a whole buncha times an dis town place he was goin to were de last one in Cyrodil dat he had ta visit! After dis Shush will get into de fancy mage school in da city an dey will teach Shush all sortsa cool magicky tings an den Shush is gonna be de most bestest at spells in de whole Mundus!

All Shush has gotta do is head inside dis buildin!

Blah blah usual compliment that the towns have varied architecture, blah.

“Hey guys! Shush are here for mage-y trainin!”

“Uh...this is the fighter’s guild.”

“...”

All Shush has gotta do is head inside dis buildin!

So does this mean I have to compliment the architecture again?

DragonFable

Tradition is a funny thing. You have some event at a specific time a year. You throw a party, watch a movie, or write a blog post (to select a purely random example, of course). The event just...happens. There’s nothing special about it, nothing sacred about its passing. It’s just a single data point in the ceaseless cascade of moments that make up your life. But then, for whatever reason, that changes. Maybe you really enjoyed the first time. Maybe you’re just looking for something to do and find a convenient excuse in repetition. Maybe you somehow did the exact same thing, unplanned, precisely 365 days later. Probably not that last one. But all of a sudden, you have not one, but two data points. And two data points aren’t points any more. They’re a sequence, a pattern, a line. A tradition.

But I’m not going to complain about the shackles of tradition while reaping the benefits. I had nothing to talk about this week. I haven’t played many games at all lately, let alone new ones. I’ve already had three Oblivion Adventures posts in a row. The quickest well to draw from for inspiration is the handy-dandy bucket of childhood rage. So we’re going to celebrate the holidays and their spirit of kindness by making fun of an online game from about a decade ago. Gather round boys and girls, we’re going to talk about DragonFable.

Oblivion Adventures Part 13: DIY Apocalypse

On the last episode of Oblivion Adventures, our more-or-less hero Shush’Ogar was having vivid dreams. Someone else’s, to be precise. After vanquishing a host of nightmares and receiving some nightmarish compensation for his trouble, Shush set out yet again. We rejoin him as he travels through...hm. Where was he again?

Shush were very lost.

Oh.

Shush were only one town away from visiting all de mage-y guilds in de whole Cyrodil an gettin into de fancy mage-y college. So Shush went down de road to de last town, along de river near de ocean. But den Shush got distracted by one of de bandits along de way an went further into de woods den normal. Den Shush saw some pretty flowers a bit more into de woods. Den Shush saw some more bandits to smash an...well, now Shush were having no idea where he was. Dere were definitely trees an stuff. Shush scratched his head, an had a great idea. Shush were makin a map before, so dat he could figure out where de stuff was in de places. Shush pulled de map outta his pack.

“Oooooh, now it are startin to make sense.”

Oblivion Adventures Part 12: Sweet Dreams

[Normally I alternate different posts with Oblivion ones, but all my other ideas were half-baked by the time Wednesday rolled around, and I’ll be damned if I post a late update twice in a row. Side note: please forget about the update rate in the first three years of this blog.]

“Thank you so much for retrieving Ardaline’s staff! You’ve performed well and will have your recommendation.”

“Oh, it were real easy. All Shush had ta do was-“

“You needn’t tell me the details of what was involved in getting it. It’s perhaps better that I know nothing about it.”

“Oh, okay. Den Shush won’t tell nothin about it.”

Don’t worry folks, we’re really not missing much. One of the dullest of all mage’s guild quests, this one basically boils down to using a bunch of free charm scrolls to bypass persuade checks. I suppose it did culminate with me stealing a staff back from someone, but I didn’t even have to do that. I just wanted to make use of all those sneak points for once.

Shush turned to leave when de lizard lady dat ran dis guild spoke up again.

“Excuse me...Shush, was it? I was wondering if you could help me with something else.”

“Hey, dat’s no fair. You said Shush just had ta get de staff back an you’d give him de ricky-mandate-hun.”

“Oh don’t worry, you’ve already earned your recommendation. But if you’re interested in some further rewards, I have another job I need help with.”

“Rewards IS a gud ting” said Shush. Shush nodded. “Wot does you want Shush ta do?”

“It’s about my friend Henantier, I need help locating him. Would you please follow me to his house?”

So den Shush an de lizard lady walked out of de mage-y guild at Bra-ville an walked across de street to her friend’s house.

I quite like Bravil’s aesthetic of multi-level ramshackle huts. It adds some variety to the mostly generic medieval architecture. All the same, building the mage’s guild out of flimsy wood seems...unwise.

Oblivion Adventures Part 11: A-mage-ing Adventures

In what used to be common practice but is now actually worth noting, this update is a bit late. Apologies to all my regular weekly readers, so basically just this one guy I know named Matt. A combination of sickness, holidays and personal procrastination moved back the post. I didn’t want to skip an entire week, so I’m trying to return to Wednesday updates. Hopefully this holds until at least the next holiday. Enjoy!

Oblivion Adventures Part 10: The Road Stretches On

A bright sun shone through a deep blue sky on an idyllic, Cyrodilic stretch of country road. Shafts of light trickled through the trees onto vivid seas of multi-colored flowers, casting a dreamy glow on the scene as insects chirped and butterflies fluttered past. Birds were softly singing, grass was swaying in the breeze, and mudcrabs were keeping to themselves far away from the worthwhile species of the world. All in all, it was a peaceful scene on a perfect day.

And then the flowers gave a muted “splat” as they were pelted with what looked like the fragmented remains of an eyeball.

“Have you ever considered using a less...messy weapon?” asked Martin as he gingerly stepped around the pooling blood of the seventh wolf corpse today.

Oblivion Adventures Halloween Spooktacular

Little notice before we start. I played an indie game this week called Undertale. I heard of its release over a month ago, but was too busy to play it. From what I heard, I expected it to be some fantastic triumph of a game that I would remember for years to come. It was. The combat is fun, the writing is fantastic, the music is excellent, and it has its own style not quite like anything else. I don’t yet have enough to say on it to fill an article, so I’m saying here: Undertale is an amazing game and I sincerely recommend people play it. We now return to your regularly scheduled rushed holiday special.

“Well it looks like we’re stuck here for a while” said Martin glumly, sittin down on de curb next to Shush.

It were just after Shush an Martin left de inn at Skin-guard. When Shush had gone to da gate de guards said dey couldn’t pass. A wanderin herd a cows was blockin de gate an dey needed some time to shoo dem away. Since Martin seemed a bit grumpy bout dat, Shush tried to cheer de guy up.

“Hey, Shush have an idea!”

“And what would that be?”

“We can tell each other scurry stories ta pass de time!”

Oblivion Adventures Part 9: Road Trip

On our last installment of Shush’Ogar’s adventures, he single-handedly stopped an army of vicious demons from destroying what was left of the city of Kvatch. That he was partially to blame for their attack isn’t worth focusing on. We return as he enters the town chapel, hoping to find what he came searching for in the first place...

“Ey! Any of de people here named Martin?!” yelled Shush.

De people inside looked up all surprised at dat, prob’bly cause Shush weren’t not a demon guy. A dark-skinned lady in guard clanky clothes walked up to Shush an de captain Savvy-lion.

“Gods above, I thought I’d never see another friendly face! I don’t know who you are, but-“

“Are you Martin?”

De lady gave Shush a funny look. “Martin isn’t typically a name for women, no. Brother Martin is back near the altar there if you’re looking for him.”

Shush left de confused lookin lady to talk to de captain an walked over to Martin.

“H-hello?” he said as Shush got close. “I head you calling my name, how do you know it?”

“Hey, yeh Shush were lookin for ya. You’re de priesty guy Martin?”

For some reason I’m getting the impression that he’s a priest.

Oblivion Adventures Part 8: Lethal Lava Land

When we last left off our valiant, noble and extremely competent hero Shush’Ogar had just reached the city of Kvatch. It was currently a maelstrom of fire and ash. A bloodstained hellscape whose bleached land was barren of all life and hope. A hideous vortex of thrashing teeth, dismembered bodies and howling demons from which nothing could escape.

Shush may have had something to do with this.

Oblivion Adventures Part 7: Subtle Cues

Last we left off on Oblivion Adventures, stalwart spirit slayer Shush’Ogar invested in some bad real estate. After purging poltergeists from his property, he slipped off to sleep. As for what he encountered next...

Shush yawned an rubbed his face. Shush guessed dat he had dozed off for a bit dere. Shush checked around him to make sure everyting was de same as before. Dere was a table of people drinkin in fronta Shush, an he was sittin on a throne made of rainbow colored skulls. Dey were all sittin on top of one a dose flat boats in de river, which was all red an bloody. Sometimes bits of crab shells bobbed in de water as dey passed.

Yup, everyting normal dere.

Oblivion Adventures Part 6: Home is Where the Hearse Is

On the last installment of Oblivion Adventures, escort exterminator Shush’Ogar stomped stalking strumpets to stop them stealing stupendous amounts of gold. We rejoin him after this encounter, as he rolls back into town.

Shush was kinda tired on account of not sleepin de past few days. He was especially tired cause he had like fifty of dese skulls to carry around.  It was okay doe, Shush had a special condition dat let him not sleep way longer den normal, somethin about most of his brain bein in-sul-a-tion. But Shush figured he could use a break. So Shush sat down at de bar an ate an drank some stuff for a bit. While Shush was doin dat, a guy came over to Shush lookin kinda nervous. De guy kept givin quick looks to Shush’s belt, which was where Shush were keepin all de big bags a gold he kept gettin.

Oblivion Adventures Part 5: Muscular Orc Hammers Trio of Sultry Sirens [HD]

Last time we saw Shush’Ogar, he came to the coast city of Anvil, wandered into the mage’s guild, secured a membership, secured all their stuff, secured all their riches by selling their stuff back to them, then secured a job to defeat a rogue mage. The task was quickly completed, securing him a recommendation. We rejoin our protagonist outside the guild hall...

Shush wasn’t sure wot ting he was gonna do next. Shush knew dat he needed to visit a buncha places to get more better mage-y stuff, but dose other places were far away. Plus, Shush felt like dere was another ting he was s’posed to do dat he was forgettin. Shush were walkin down de street tryin to figure out wot dat was when he overheard some people talkin.

“Yeah, it sounds like Maelona is getting pretty desperate about it.”

“Well I would be too, if I were her. ‘Course I’d probably try and get money out of a divorce settlement rather than paying strangers from my own pocket.”

Shush wasn’t always de best at listenin, but he was real gud at hearin about people payin him. Shush walked up to de people talkin.

“Did you say somethin about people payin strangers for stuff?” Shush said.

“Oh, um, hello sir. Yes, the couple down the street” de man pointed as he talked “was having some trouble with the local gang. You know...the all-female one? They’re willing to pay-“

“Dat’s all Shush needed to hear.”