The Top 10 Breaths in Breath of the Wild

Posted by 4LornTri4ce at 2:47AM:

It has come to my attention that the collection of slack-jawed ignoramuses known as the human race are even more incompetent than I first suspected. I've scoured the internet for articles on The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, and found them on all manner of inane subject matter. Reviews, walkthroughs, retrospectives, confirmation that the cartridge works…all sorts of completely useless information! I trudged through this morass of infantile garbage and found not one, not one post that bothered to talk about what's really important.

Why is no talking about the BREATHS in Breath of the Wild?!

Seriously, what is WITH you herd of glue-munchers?! Am I the problem here? (Hint: I'm not). Have I wandered into some parallel dimension where free lobotomies are given out at birth?! Anyone with two sub-atomic particles clattering together in the vacuum behind their eyes should realize what an essential part of the gaming experience this is. Fortunately for all you addle-pated internet bottom feeders, I am benevolent as I am eloquent. I have therefore taken it upon myself to rank the most notable instances of breathing in Breath of the Wild. I know you cretins will never understand how blessed you are to be enriched by my wisdom, but feel free to thank me anyway. You ungrateful swine.

10. Low Stamina Breaths

Link performs a large number of breath-inducing activities in Breath of the Wild, all of them so insultingly perfunctory they didn't make this list. Breaths after eating are understated and unimpressive, breaths from heatstroke have you hang your stupid mouth open in one position, and breaths after diving haven't improved since Ocarina of Time in 1998. Don't get me started on breaths from damage, which often don't even have the decency to time their mouth flaps correctly. Of all these animations the least likely to induce aneurysms is the low stamina breathing, which conveys something approximating a humanoid figure gasping for oxygen. It's the bottom of the list though, because I'm not the kind of drool-stained degenerate who can't even tell the difference between clavicular and diaphragmatic breathing. If you're one such moron I encourage you to either get the hell off my blog or read a fucking book.

Ranking Every Mode in Smash, Part 3

In life, there are three types of people: Winners, losers, and all the other people that don’t fit into those two arbitrary categories. But forget about them, because we’re here to talk about the first group. The best of the battlefield. The finest on final destination. The cream of the character select screen. These are the top five modes across all of Super Smash Brothers.

Normally this is the part where I’d warn that this list is entirely subjective, and that it’s perfectly normal for your opinions to differ from mine. I’d probably even make some joke about you not believing me, rambunctious rapscallion that I am. Sadly, I cannot do that this time. I’ve just received a formal letter from Bill Videogames, president of video games, who has put into law that this list 100% objective. If you don’t like the modes I do, best learn to soon. The International Game Opinion Police forbids the use of lethal force, but not if the officer looks the other way and says “Oops, butterfingers!” to the accompaniment of a laugh track while they pull the trigger. It’s a strange system, but damnit it works.

Ranking Every Mode in Smash, Part 2

Last time I purchased beam sword insurance, offered equal opportunity to quadriplegic sloths and took a tour of the toilet. This time, we move from the best of the worst to the most maximally medium of modes. Check the first article if you want to see why I'm snubbing Sound Test and other exclusions from the list. Also remember that this is all subjective. So if you find something you personally disagree with, that's fine but there's no reason to come to my house and – you've already skipped to the number rankings haven't you?

                       

13. Home-run Contest (Melee/Brawl/3DS/Wii U)

Have you ever wanted to beat up your friends so badly that their lifeless corpse is ejected across the length of several football stadiums? Well then you should probably seek help, you goddamn psychopath. But fortunately Smash has just the thing to sate your insane, animalistic bloodlust until you start making progress in therapy. In Home-run Contest, you’re given a platform, the far-flinging Baseball Bat item, and 10 seconds with a punching bag. Even better, the punching bag is a living creature, so you can enjoy committing war crimes against something that feels pain!

“WHY DID THEY MAKE ME SENTIENT?!”

Ranking Every Mode In Smash, Part 1

In the first draft of this article, I opened with an explanation of what Super Smash Brothers was. But let’s not kid ourselves here, you already know. And if by some unfathomable miracle you got here without that knowledge, you have an internet right in front of you. I know you can search it faster than I can describe things. You can do it son, I believe in you. The Google was inside you all along.

What does require some explanation is what I define as a mode. There are a lot of menu options in Smash Bros that aren't going to be on this list. Some quick criteria are as follows:

Final Fantasy 4: The 5 Worst Character “Deaths”

As a general rule, I don’t like my writing to become too negative. I want to keep things positive and constructive enough that it eases the reading experience. I don’t want to sound like a petulant, whiny child. But it’s easier to talk about why something doesn’t work than why it’s good, and easier to make that fun to read. So you may experience some trepidation and brace yourself for the coming storm when I say...

Final Fantasy 4 is a good game.

But it is a good game. Final Fantasy 4 is a widely regarded classic. It had solid mechanics and a much more involved narrative than most games of its 1991 release. It influenced the rest of the series and an entire genre for years to come. I respect its legacy and even had fun replaying it. And yet we all know what’s coming, don’t we? You’ve all read the title of the article. I enjoyed Final Fantasy 4.

...buuuuUUUUUUUUT...

Some Top Songs from Games I’ve Never Played

What I’m actually doing with my free time and what I post about on the blog, even when I’m playing plenty of games, is not necessarily always related. A lot of games I play aren’t worth posting about on the blog, not because they’re bad but just because I don’t have much to say about them. Alternatively, I might have things to say about something but I was busy at the time while it still held my interest, or I have so much I could say that the task seems daunting, or perhaps I simply don’t have a ton of free time and/or manage it poorly. The point is, this blog tends to run on a VG Cats rate of updating of whenever the hell I feel like it, and a similar content system of whatever the hell I feel like writing about.

This is how, despite having tons of games I could be talking about, I ended up formulating another list article on oddly specific game music. I was downloading a video game track from a game I’d never actually played the other day, and whilst listening considered that this was actually something I did fairly often. I view a lot of stuff on the internet about video games, and thus find out a lot about games that I’ve never personally played. Sometimes games have particular note made of their soundtracks, of these a smaller portion I will actually one day look up on YouTube, and of these an even smaller portion I will choose to download for re-listening later, despite never having played the game in question.

Spoiler Alert: Sometimes there’s a good reason for that.

Some Top Video Game Songs with Organs in Them

            So the other day I was thinking of a video game song in my head (because this is the sort of thing I do often) and accidentally confused it with another video game song, because both of them involved organs. Spurred by this thought, I tried to think up all the video game songs I could involving organs and came up with a surprisingly high tally. Deciding that there are far stupider inspirations for articles out there (which I will assuredly act upon later) I decided to compose a list of some top video game songs with organs in them.

Pictured: Sufficient inspiration for an article, apparently.

Some Top Video Game Lasers

            Dictionary.com defines a laser as a device that produces a “…coherent beam of light [caused] by exciting atoms to a higher energy level and causing them to radiate their energy in phase”. So basically lasers are just beams of light created by some science-y means. Most of them aren’t weapons or even that harmful so long as kept away from the eyes. That dinky little laser pointer manufactured purely to annoy your pets counts as a laser. And of course they are often fairly small and thin, because a huge, wide laser would probably be ridiculously impractical, not to mention pointless. Lasers aren’t really weapons, there, now that’s out of the way. So that being said…fuck that shit!

Erm, not literally though. That probably wouldn’t end well, even if the laser itself wasn’t harmful.

Some Top Video Game Explosions

[NOTE: Due to the nature of when giant explosions tend to be deployed, this article is home to quite a lot of spoilers. Read with care]

Today is the fourth of July, which as far as I can tell is America’s national holiday of blowing things up. In celebration, I decided to create a list of some of my favorite explosions in video games. You’ll note that the title says ‘some’, and that’s very much intentional. This is by no means a definitive list, and I encourage anyone who reads this and thinks of another to list it in the comments. Wide scale mayhem or general apocalypses aren’t so much the idea as big, bombastic balls of energy or fire expanding rapidly and wrecking the surrounding area. In addition, the order is fairly loose and is more of just a general index of how awesome the boom was. Without further ado, let’s get into the list: