A Paper on Environmentalism

Earlier today I was struggling with an assignment for an unnamed class in which I had to identify a problem related to the class being green and offer a solution. I was not fond of the assignment, so I did something I've done once or twice before to amuse myself: I wrote out a fake, comedic version of the essay. Normally I only write these for my own amusement, but upon showing it to a friend they said I should post it on the blog. Given that school and my own laziness is keeping this blog as empty as usual lately, I figured why the hell not. So here, presented for your amusement, is some unedited, off-the-cuff madness from a bored and frustrated paper writer:

Mega Man Battle Network 2 Review

            This week on Genericide, I review a game that isn’t over a decade old! AHAHAHA! I had you going for a second there. Seriously though, today I’m reviewing an old Game Boy Advance game you quite possibly have never played or care about. Because what do I look like, some kind of normal person who lives in the present?

All of the cool kids are stuck decades in the past, man. That and people with malfunctioning time machines.

Sonic Adventure 2: Battle Review

            So over my holiday I’ve been submerged in a sea of older games, even with enticing new titles vying for my attention, mostly from the holiday steam sale. If this seems silly, it’s only because it is, but I can’t say I haven’t been enjoying myself revisiting past titles. One such title is one I already owned but lost track of, so I bought it for five bucks during a sale and became instantly obsessed with it again. That game will be obvious to anyone who read the top of the page. That’s right; I’ve been playing a considerable amount of Bill Hatcher and the Giant Egg Sonic Adventure 2: Battle.

            Sonic Adventure 2 was released for the ultimately doomed Sega Dreamcast console in 2001, but due to the whole doom thing it was later re-released with extra content on the Nintendo Gamecube less than a year later. This was the version my smaller self owned in the somewhat distant past, and I quite liked it at the time. I’m happy to report that the game holds up in my eyes today, but it’s still not without its problems.

The right image is the copy I remember from my childhood. The left image is the copy people with poor purchasing luck remember.

Paper Mario: Sticker Star Review

[Note: As I was finishing writing this review I had noticed a prevalent trend. Although I don’t regret it because this a blog of my opinions rather than a completely impartial outlet, here’s a fun drinking game I’ve devised: take a drink every time I compare Sticker Star to other Mario RPGs. Good luck.]

            So I return, metaphorically jumping out of the casket at a comical moment to inform everyone that I am not, in fact, dead. This past month of academically induced radio silence holds the new record for longest amount of time I’ve spent without updating the blog. So now that the honeymooning period of updates every week or two is over I’ve moved boldly forward in the realm of not updating, soaring to new heights with the new lows I’m willing to set. Um, that is to say that, I’m like, reaching a new low in actuality, but I’m using the phrase new heights to refer to the new record in lows I’m setting, which on reflection is kind of confusing. I mean, it’s sort of like the lows are the lowest because they’re the highest speaking in terms of lows, sort of like if gravity were flipped upside-down and flying high in the sky would actually be burrowing underground, but oh wait that would mess up the low part of the analogy. Er…

Okay I can figure this out, lemme just get out my tape measure…

Golden Sun Review

            So once again we arrive at our regrettably bimonthly update. College continues to limit my time spent with the games of video, so there are really only two games I’ve played in the last couple weeks. The first is more World of Warcraft, and the second is GBA RPG Golden Sun, which I started (and finished) another playthrough of on a whim. What’s that? You say you want to see more of this game I speak of? And you wish to do so by way of an informative and/or humorous internet review by some random blog? Well that just so happens to coincide with what I planned on doing, Suspiciously Informed Theoretical Inquirer. How exactly are you so well informed? Are you theoretically stalking me?

I’ve had it up to here with your theoretical shenanigans! Get the hell out of my theoretical house!

On Random Chance

            Greetings to hypothetical readers, self-deprecation as a result of slow update rate, etc. You know the drill. So I have been rather busy lately, which is partly responsible for the lack of updates. The other reason is the fact that since I haven’t had much free time, the only video game I’ve played in like 3 solid weeks is the pet battling system from World of Warcraft.

Above: What obsession looks like

An Average Day for the Stevensons

[So sparse updates have been sparse lately. In an attempt to alleviate that, today I'm going to present you readers with something a little different. I'm currently in a Creative Writing course that I had to write a short story for and this was the result. It's an easy way to fake content give you something to hold you over until I write a proper update, and I think it's the type of tale the internet might approve of. The rest of this update is the aforementioned short story, unchanged but for a few formatting edits to make it more readable in an online format]