I was hanging around in
my room, relaxing after a recent bounty hunter job wherein I slew a horde of a
thousand furious gargoyles. But enough about my boring personal life. The point
is I was doing not much at all but hanging around, basking in the midday
sunshine streaming in through my window. I was also thinking about how I would
probably update my blog soon because I am clearly (but for a few rare exceptions), incredibly punctual and not at all lazy about these things.
It was at this point that
I felt a strange sensation in my upper chest. As I wondered if my diet of snack
food and chocolate might actually be causing what it logically should all the
time, the sensation worked its way up my throat. There was a very brief
pressure in my mouth and…
*ZAWUMPH*
Startled, I shook my head
and reoriented myself after what appeared to be the strangest hiccup I’d ever
had. As I was getting my bearings I noticed something in my peripheral vision
that caught my eye. I jerked my head towards it and saw…
…there were stars outside
my window.
Not in the immediate
vicinity, you dork. I don’t mean the
stars were right there, or that they were any different in relative position to
me than their default configuration. I meant to say that it was night time, but
in a fancy artistic fashion. It’s something we writers do all the time that you
wouldn’t understand, you buffoon. And
now you’ve slowed down my important discovery and ruined the dramatic tension
with your interruption. Sigh. Well,
the point is, it was night now.
You clodoofus.
This surprised me,
because it hadn’t been night time before I had that strange hiccup, and the
earth instantly rotating 180 or so degrees was not normally the result of my
abnormal respiratory spikes. I walked outside just to be sure, and yup, that
sure was the night sky above my head. Huh. I walked back inside befuddled,
pondering what ridiculous circumstance I was victim to this time. Was this some
type of black magic that had been cast on me? Was it even only affecting me,
for that matter?
I stuck my head out the
window and shouted at the building across from mine. “HEY, IS IT NIGHT TIME FOR
YOU GUYS TOO?!”
After a brief silence,
what I feel was an unnecessarily belligerent voice called back to me. “Urgh, of
course it is, you freakin’ asshole!”
So it was actually night
then, as opposed to some elaborate ruse centered on me. Well, assuming the ruse
wasn’t even more elaborate than I thought.
I stuck my head out the
window again and shouted across the street. “HEY, THIS ISN’T SOME MANNER OF
ELABORATE RUSE OR SOMETHING, IS IT?!”
“AAAH, SHUT UP!” came the
again unreasonably hurtful reply.
Right, so no ruses of any sort were likely to be involved here. But then how was it that it had
become night without me noticing? Did I fall into a short coma? Did I somehow
contract an oddly selective amnesia for a really brief timespan? Did I
perhaps…hold that thought, something weird seemed to be happening with my
general chest and throat area and-
*ZAWUMPH*
…that really is an odd sound for a hiccup to make, my brain
absentmindedly noted as the rest of me looked around in startled astonishment.
Whatever had happened before had happened again, it seemed. The sun was shining
outside again, a more worrying omen than it usually was. Well shit, I thought. I wonder if…Checking on my hypothesis, I
pulled out my phone and checked it.
It was tomorrow.
No, see, I know that can
never be a technically accurate statement, don’t start with me again. What I
meant to convey with that statement is that it was a day after the time I had
last noted the time. A day after I had experienced two very strange hiccups.
“Well, that does it”, I
said. “I need to see a doctor.”
***
But not just any doctor
would do, I noted as I exited the house and whistled for Scrappy, my faithful
riding wyvern. Whatever was happening to me was jumping me forward in time,
which didn’t strike me as material normal medical schools were keen on
covering. No, I needed to visit a very particular hospital to find aid for this
peculiar ailment. I needed to visit Wolwurren’s Occult Hospital for the
Exceedingly Strange.
The hospital wasn’t
exactly well known, of course. Although it looked like a regular hospital, most
regular hospitals aren’t located in an isolated alcove in the middle of a
hidden part of the Rocky Mountains. But Wolwurren’s wasn’t an ordinary hospital
by any stretch of the most extraordinary imagination, and it was in the aforementioned alcove. An
alcove I was approaching on Scrappy as I hoped I didn’t hiccup again anytime
soon. I had a feeling doing it hundreds of feet in the air wouldn’t be entirely
advisable.
I had first found out
about this mysterious medical Mecca when seeking a cure for a manticore sting,
acquired in a string of events too complicated to recount now. One of my more
well-informed clients pointed me in its direction and they managed to fix me up
with no trouble at all. Well, no medical related trouble anyway. But I must
admit even for me their facility and staff can occasionally be a bit…much.
Scrappy flew into the
alcove in the mountainside and I could see the building before me. Weirdly
enough, the facility looked not the slightest bit weird. It’s just a regular,
professional hospital building in outward appearance. I tied Scrappy up outside
next to the bike rack. Said bike rack was currently host to a tethered jet
pack, a winged serpent, and a harrier jet. Giving Scrappy a parting pat on the
head, I headed inside.
I walked through a lobby
that looked like any other lobby and walked up to a middle-aged female
secretary as dull and bored as any stereotypical description. The only hint
that anything here was amiss was the pile of magical artifacts that would be well
hidden beneath the front desk were it not for the propensity several had
towards glowing with eldritch light. Disinterested, the secretary looked up at
me and cocked an eyebrow, not even bothering to ask anything.
“Hello, it’s…Dolores,
isn’t it?” I said, trying to remember from my last distant visit.
“Do I know you?” she
responded lazily, her eyebrow still raised.
“I was in here a couple
years back for a manticore sting”, I said. “I suppose you wouldn’t remember. To
be fair though, I think I did save
the world once.”
“Just this one world?”
she said, reminding me of the typical type of clientele this place had. “I see.
What is it exactly you do…?”
“I’m, err…a writer for a
blog. About video games.”
There was silence.
“…among other things!” I
mentioned in a not even slightly defensive fashion. “Important things! With
lasers and super villains and time travel and, uh, giant robots and, and…”
Dolores sighed. “Look
buddy,” she droned, “do you wanna’ just tell me what you’re here for so I can
stop pretending to care about you?”
“Well…fine” I finished
lamely. “I have this unique problem I discovered when I woke up this, er, I
mean yesterday morning. It seems that every time I…”
*ZAWUMPH*
“…do that I warp forward
in time” I finished to a Dolores that now appeared to be mid-conversation.
“Oh. You’re back.”
Dolores noted with a complete absence of emotion. “If you wouldn’t mind getting
out of the way of the gentleman behind you…?”
I turned around to find
myself face to face with what I could best approximate to be a snarling
werewolf with a shark fin, a pair of demonic looking wings…and a bowler hat.
“Uh…” I squeaked, only
the slight bit terrified, “sure”. At this, I somewhat awkwardly shuffled to the
side.
“Right,” Dolores continued.
“So we’ll schedule your next appointment on Thursday at 4:30, then?”
The wolf…thing responded
with a few short barks, the snarl not leaving its malformed face.
“I know you’d prefer then
but we’re closed on Sunday nights, you’ll just have to deal with Thursday”,
Dolores countered.
The creature glared at
Dolores and then growled low, slow and menacingly. As if this wasn’t enough I
swear I could see wisps of smoke escaping from its clenched jaw. Dolores
responded with a growl that was not only the same timbre as the first, but also
somehow seemed to combine absolute menace and complete boredom simultaneously. I’m almost positive the room also
became physically colder.
The beast paused,
frowned, and reluctantly stomped out the way I’d come in. When the door closed,
Dolores turned her attention back to me. “Temporal ailment, huh? You’ll want
Dr. Drazzle.”
“Oh, okay”, I said.
“Where do I have to go to see him?”
“Well let’s see,” she
said. “The year is 2013, and taking into account the phase of the moon and…”
she started mumbling what sounded like complicated calculations as she pulled
out a ruler and measured the width of my head as I stood there awkwardly. “How
much do you weigh?” she asked more audibly.
“Uh, I dunno, about 135
pounds maybe?” I said.
“Right, based on all
that…” she said, sitting back down and punching something into her computer.
She paused, then picked up the phone. “Hey Carol? She said. “What’s the status
of corridor C in the west wing?” She stopped to listen. “Hm…uh-huh…okay, the
whole sector?...and in reverse?...sheesh, well okay. But that part shouldn’t be
a problem in this dimension?...alright, thanks.” She then hung up the phone and
typed in something else.
“Okay,” she said after a
pause. “What you’re gonna’ wanna’ do is go through the hall on the left, head up
6 flights of stairs, take the center path until the seven way intersection,
turn around and go back the way you came, go down two flights of stairs, take
the door on the other side of the indoor pool, take the elevator up until it
stops working, and take the corridor right until you come across room 372-B.
When you get there, knock 4 times on the right side of the door, not the left.”
“Why, will the left wall
eat my hand?” I responded sardonically.
“No, just fresh paint
there” she said calmly. She paused. “Though on a related note, don’t touch the
door knob.”
“Alright fine” I replied,
half irritated and half uneasy. I turned to face the left corridor. I stopped.
I turned back to Dolores.
“Are you gonna’ need a
print out?” she said in exasperated tones.
“Er…”
“You’re gonna’ need a
print out.” She said. She tapped a few keys, grabbed a piece of paper with
directions from the printer and handed it to me.
“Thanks”, I said. “See
you later Dolores.”
Dolores gave a
disinterested grunt and I left the lobby. My trip to the room was uneventful,
or at least as uneventful as a trip through a building that may exist in more
dimensions or periods of time than you’re used to can be. I swear I could hear
faint sounds of the swimming pool breathing,
but I didn’t stick around long enough to confirm this fact. Eventually I found
myself knocking on the wall next to 372-B, while standing as far away from the
door knob as possible.
“Ah, that’ll be him, I’ll
let him in” came a muffled voice from the other side of the door. It opened to
reveal a young nurse. “Please, come in” she said, standing to the side. As I
walked into the room I noticed another person in the back, whose disheveled
appearance suggested more mad scientist than medical professional.
This person looked at me
with a slightly manic smile and said “Excellent, let’s begin!” He turned
around, then turned back and looked at the nurse with a confused pause. “…where
are the results of the diagnosis?”
The nurse smiled at the
man patiently. “This gentleman just got here, Dr. Drazzle. I was just about to
call you.”
“Ah!” he exclaimed. “Of
course, silly of me. Well, I suppose you’d better get on that.” As the nurse
started picking up the phone, the doctor turned to me and smiled. “Don’t know
what I’d do without assistants to keep me tethered. Pleasure to meet you, I’m
Dr. Drazzle! Hello, how are you?” At this he extended his hand and I shook it.
I couldn’t help but notice what the nurse was doing in the background.
“Hello, Dr. Drazzle?” She
said over the phone. “Someone is here to see you at 372-B.”
“Got it, I’ll be down
there in just a few minutes of my time!” came a voice suspiciously similar to
the doctors from the other end. As the nurse put down the phone she noticed my
interest.
“The doctor is a
bit…scatterbrained when it comes to keeping things in the present” she said.
“It comes with the territory of being a temporal specialist.”
“Yes, thank you for
stopping by, see you later!” the doctor said cheerfully.
“Um…” I murmured.
“Right, let’s get to it”
the doctor said. “Young man, would you mind telling me what appears to be wrong
with you?”
“Okay” I said. “Recently
I-“
“Fascinating symptoms,
really” he interrupted. “I can only think of a couple of things those could
circumstances could describe. Have you by chance been in the Samanafofana
Desert lately?”
I glanced awkwardly at
the nurse. She tapped the doctor on the shoulder. “You’re getting ahead of
yourself again, doctor” she said.
“Oh, am I?” he said,
momentarily puzzled. “Ah, of course I am, let’s go back to you describing your
symptoms for me, eh?”
“Uh…sure” I said, but the
gears in my head were already turning. The Samanafofana Desert, huh...?
I described my curious
time-skip hiccups to the doctor and he rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Well well
well, I’d say what I think of those interesting symptoms” he said. “However, I
think you’ve already heard my opinions on the subject. Most potential causes
are highly unlikely. The least unlikely of them…well, have you been to the Samanafofana Desert lately?”
“As a matter of fact, I
have” I responded, suspicion rising. “Why do you ask?”
“Well”, said the doctor,
“the most probable cause of those symptoms is what we generally call the Chrono
Cough Disease. The disease causes you to jump forward in time at increasingly
quick rates, so it’s best to deal with it quickly. But it’s an exceedingly rare
ailment for a number of reasons. The first is that it only has a relatively
small chance of being acquired on contact. The second is that the creature
whose contact confers the disease is a rare specimen only found deep in the
Samanafofana Desert. The Temporal Leech.”
At this, suspicions
confirmed, I groaned and put my hand to my face.
“Ah, recognition dawns it
seems” said the doctor. “You’ve been bitten by one of these, I presume?”
I nodded glumly,
recalling that being bitten by…a fair bit more than one of those wretched
leeches was the unfortunate end to my last adventure. I spoke up
nervously. “So, uh…is there any cure for…Chrono Cough Disease?”
“Oh plenty, plenty” said
the doctor. “What you’re looking for is the rare insidiarum consilium plant. Small quantities will stop your
symptoms temporarily, or at least stop them from accelerating. It’ll take quite
a lot to permanently halt the disease, though. Not to worry,” he said, looking
at my worried expression, “there should be plenty around here. Though, it’s…hang
on a second. Nurse, what dimension are we in currently?”
“Let me check…”, said the
nurse, grabbing a clipboard and handing it to the doctor, pointing to a point
on the page.
“Ah, alright”, he
responded after looking for a second. “And what year?”
“2013 sir” replied the
nurse.
“Well I’ll just consult
my chart here…” The doctor flipped through some pages for a second. “Yes, here
we go, 2013 stores of…” He suddenly stopped. “Er, what day is it?” Starting to
get worried, I told him the current date. “Ah…” he said, suddenly awkward.
“Well, uh, I don’t want to alarm you or anything, but according to my chart it
won’t be long before the day, er, where our entire store of insidiarum consilium suddenly and
mysteriously vanishes. Specifically,” he continued in front of my incredulous
face, “it will disappear sometime tomorrow.”
I paused with extreme
prejudice.
“Er…” the doctor said.
I gave a quiet, yet
seemingly gale-force cough.
“Um…” said the doctor,
“do you need a minute or-“
“I need the bloody cure!” I replied tersely. “Where can I find it?”
“Oh!” he exclaimed.
“Well, you should be able to make it to our personal stores just fine, one of
my predecessors, or perhaps it was one of my successors, saw fit to plant a
small garden of the stuff in a cave in the mountain opposite ours a few
generations back. There are also some natural patches elsewhere, but they’re
all around the world and usually well hidden. I can draw you up a map…” he continued
distractedly, patting his pockets for a writing utensil and fumbling through
drawers.
“Is this the only cure?”
I demanded. “There’s nothing you can do to help me but direct me to distant
locations of a rare plant? You can’t even delay the effects? I’m just supposed
to go on my way and hope that I don’t suddenly hiccup myself into the heat
death of the universe?!”
“Er…” said the doctor,
“…I suppose I could recommend a glass of water?”
So shortly afterwards I
took a hand-drawn map of the world with instructions on where to find the insidiarum consilium from the doctor and
left. He also gave me his card in
case I wanted to call him later, but he appreciated I wanted to get going while
I still had time. As I was sullenly walking back the way I came, I could hear
the doctor back in the room.
“Alright then nurse”, his
fading voice exclaimed, “I’m here about the patient you paged me on, when is
he?”
***
I left the building with
a bundle of nerves, an obscene bill, and a glass of water. Walking briskly to
Scrappy, I tried to remain calm. The timing was probably a coincidence. We took
off, and started flying towards the peaks opposite the hospital, where their
store of the plant was. It was entirely possibly this was a coincidence. Using
the map the doctor gave me, I located the cave and landed at the entrance. It
was almost certainly a coincidence. I told Scrappy to stay put and pulled out a
flashlight.
There’s no way this was a
coincidence.
I descended into the
cave, walking down twisty, dank passages to the hidden stores of insidiarum consilium. You’d expect this
would be about the point that I’d navigate some deadly traps or fight a horde
of ravenous beasts. So would I, as a matter of fact. And yet apparently the
hospital kept their stores of this plant well curated, because there was none
of that. Compared to most of my experiences in new environments it was
downright pleasant. Like a stroll in the park, except when I do that I usually
have to deal with giant carnivorous plant mutants or some such.
So I had a fairly nice
waltz through the caverns when finally the tunnel walls started to expand and I
walked out into a large cavernous opening. Holding my flashlight aloft, I saw a
large patch of what had to be the insidiarum
consilium. It looked more or less like normal ferns, but the leaves
corkscrewed out bizarrely in every direction. I proceeded cautiously towards
the plant, knowing that whatever was the cause for its disappearance could be
waiting nearby. It could be pretty much anything. A monster could pop out, or
my own hubris could somehow screw things up, or hell, it could even be-
“NOT SO FAST, VIDEO GAME BLOGGER!!!”
Oh you have got to be kidding me.
“YES, THAT’S RIGHT, IT IS
I!! I AM THE ONE SPEAKING TO YOU NOW!!! IT IS I WHO SHALL BE THE INSTRUMENT OF
YOUR DOOM AT THIS PRESENT MOMENT IN TIME!!!! PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR PLANS FOILED
BY-“
I refuse to believe that my life could ever be genuinely threatened by-
“DOCTOR
ACIDMELTSKULL!!!!!” said Dr. Acidmeltskull.
And indeed it was him, as
I reluctantly turned to find him standing at the entrance of the tunnel I had
entered through. He stood there triumphantly smug for a moment when he noticed
my disgruntled expression. He paused. “YOU KNOW, DR. ACIDMELTSKULL?!” he
continued, still shouting.
My hand went en route to
my forehead in an expression of exasperation.
“REMEMBER?!” the doctor
shouted. “I TRIED TO KILL YOU A FEW TIMES?! WE HAD A WHOLE GOOD VERSUS EVIL
THING GOING ON?! YOU KNOW I’M HONESTLY KIND OF SURPRISED YOU DON’T REMEM-“
“SHUT UP!” I interrupted.
“I remember you, already, okay?!”
The doctor stopped and
frowned at me sourly. “Well jeez”, he said at a more reasonable decibel,
“there’s no need to be so rude about it.” Never before had I thought I would be
able to describe a man with half his face melted off as “pouting”, but there
was no better way to describe the appearance of the doctor right then and
there.
“Alright…” I said,
breaking the silence. “I don’t suppose you’ll just let me go about my
business…?”
“Ha! This would be what
you wish, I’m sure!” replied the doctor, picking up steam again. “But to no
avail, for as your nemesis I wish the opposite of this! I went through the trouble
of tracking you to this cave, and now we must have an epic duel of brains and
brains yet again!”
“You mean like last time
when you hit me on the head with a book?” I said dryly.
“There was nothing wrong
with that!” replied the doctor defensively. “It technically required both
brains and brawn!”
“Look, can we not do this
right this second?” I said. “I know you’re looking to take a more direct route
to my demise and I think we can agree it would be far more satisfying if I
didn’t die a slow death from disease.”
“Of course!” he replied.
“I apologize; I didn’t realize you were sick with fear! I just wanted to gloat about how my ingenious spy planes followed you to these mountains! Should I give
you a minute to change your underwear?! To be fair, I’d be scared too if I knew
I were about to perish in some remote mountain cave that didn’t even have any
treasure in it! Or have you switched careers to botanist out of dread of my
return?! I suppose my terrifying visage is
quite…”
I had stopped listening
to his self-indulgent ramblings a while ago, and had now paused in surprise.
There were two reasons for this. One was that it was fairly clear to me now
that my nemesis had no idea about my illness. I could still get out of this
with the plant I needed.
The second reason was
that I could feel a strange, yet familiar sensation building within me…
A dozen plans went
through my, as often previously mentioned, excessively
brilliant mind. Distractions I could pull on the doctor, daring escape schemes,
and more. But the feeling in my stomach was rising, so I had to act fast and…
…wait a minute, he wasn’t
even holding a weapon, why was I paying any attention to him again?
At that thought I
immediately turned around and bolted towards the plant.
“…and clearly this
fearful fear you fear towards me is – hey wait, where are you going?” said the
doctor, fumbling around his person for something to stop me as I reached the
plant. I grabbed a handful of the plant and started to bring it to my mouth as
I responded.
“Here” I said. “Just
later.”
*ZAWUMPH*
I hiccupped before I
could eat any of the plant, but it seemed to be to my advantage. For as I tried
more successfully to start chewing on the plant, I noticed that after my latest
time skip the doctor was now where to be found. I swallowed and grinned
triumphantly as I shoved the rest of my handful into my jaw, and turned around
to find-
-a cave floor covered in
ash.
Where there had once been
a large crop of insidiarum consilium,
not a single plant remained. The whole lot of it had been burned to the ground.
“Shit”, I exclaimed emphatically as I
pulled out my phone. Yep. It was tomorrow, and the plants were gone. I chewed
on the remnants of what I had picked up before the time skip and walked through
the cave making sure none of it had survived. I didn’t find any more of the
plant, but I did find a single note lying neatly on top of a pile of ash. I
picked it up and opened it, to find these words in handwriting that seemed
oddly familiar for some reason:
“Race you to the next garden.”
“Well double shit”, I cursed, pulling out the
map of insidiarum consilium locations.
It looked like I had more work to do, and my very life depended on it.
…but I could probably
find time to post on the blog quick before I got going.
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