So as has sometimes happened in the past, I was suffering writer's block for a paper I didn't want to write, and in an attempt to alleviate this wrote a fake paper instead. It didn't do much to help my productivity, but it was pretty fun to write. It can be found below, unedited.
Principles of Persuasion Mini-Paper
Part One: Principle
Since the far-off and distant times of like, the invention of cup holders, people have practiced the subtle and intricate art of persuasion. No one knows exactly where persuasion comes from; though some ancient tribes speculated that persuasion is actually just self-respect exiting the body. Modern day persuasiotician scientists have often tried to recreate persuasion in laboratory conditions in the form of rats trying pick-up lines on slices of cheese, but have yet to meet success in their trials. Lacking any real scientific proof, methodology, or research whatsoever, there is really only one logical conclusion our society as a whole can come to: that persuasion is Voodoo Space Magic from Space.
Webster’s dictionary notably does NOT define persuasion as ‘ritualistic shaman hoodoo from the deepest reaches of the galaxy’ (source: Professor Captain Webster, PHD). But on the other hand, what the hell does Webster know? Who made him the authority on what words mean? I mean have any of you even met him? I don’t think I’ve even met a SINGLE person named Webster in my life. Webster sounds like the nickname of the tech geek in some cheesy B-movie around the time the internet was first invented, and such movies are notoriously bad sources for anything apart from high fashion and string theory.
So now that I have conclusively proved that Persuasion and Voodoo Space Magic from Space are one and the same, I would like get to the specific focus of this paper. There are many types of Persuasion/Voodoo Space Magic from Space (hereby abbreviated to VSMfS), but the exact principle of VSMfS I’ve chosen to focus on today is Nagging.
Discovered by Christopher Colombus in 1243 upon ancient tablets deep beneath New Jersey, Nagging is an extremely well-known and explored variety of VSMfS. Especially by my ex-wife. Hey-OOOO! (source: god damnit Barbara the game was only another 15 minutes, you harpy). The methodology of this principle of VSMfS is simple: The target of the technique or ‘Persuadotargetman’, as it is technically referred to, shall have the ever-loving shit annoyed out of him by the persuader or ‘Assmaster’, as it is technically referred to. The target will then shower positive responses and reinforcement on the persuader even though they clearly don’t deserve it after what they did with your estranged half-brother.
Like all VSMfS, Nagging only works due to the shadowy machinations of a cabal of cosmic sorcerers from beyond the stars. It is theorized that in particular, Nagging occurs when a Zylaxian Moon Elder sacrifices a space whale in the middle of an asteroid field. The dark blood magyks then drift on celestial breezes into the nearest asteroid, which causes it to ricochet in the general direction of their target. Once the magyks reach the correct solar system, their advanced tracking technology seeks out and infests everyone I’ve ever loved. It is still unknown to this day why the moon elders do this, but I wish they’d cut it the fuck out.
Part Two: Example
In order to properly explore the concepts of my principle, I shall now provide a real life example of myself attempting to put it in action. My particular example of this principle of VSMfS took the form of me attempting to convince an employee at my local Burger King to give me his life savings. The exchange began when I pulled up to the speakers in the drive-thru and my target said something unintelligible that sounded like it was coming through Beelzebub’s echoing plastic rectum. Nothing unusual having occurred so far, I began to inquire exactly how much money he had in the bank and if he would kindly wire all of said assets to me. After awkwardly pausing and asking me to give my order again more clearly, I repeated myself. At this point the target awkwardly replied that he couldn’t do that and could I please give him my order. Seeing an excellent opportunity to employ my VSMfS technique, I asked him the same thing again but in a wheezing, irritating voice, following up by mentioning that he NEVER did anything I wanted. With growing concern in his voice my target still refused to give into my demands. At this point I repeated my previous requests with the addition that maybe if my target would get his ass off the couch and his hands off the whiskey for five damn seconds I wouldn’t have to ask him this. It was at this juncture that my target informed me that he was contacting the authorities, and the speaker went silent. My further attempts met no response, and so I concluded that my study had reached completion and left.
Part Three: Evaluation
Though I have been eagerly checking my bank account for a sudden transfer of thousands of dollars for weeks now, I’m afraid I may have to determine my efforts a failure for the time being. That being said, the remainder of this paper will be spent analyzing why exactly my VSMfS was unsuccessful.
At first glance, one may merely suspect that my attempts were ineffective because I did not offer proper tribute to the Zylaxian Moon Elders. However, in accordance with the scientific method, I performed a naked rain dance and devoured the heart of a yak in my neighbor’s back yard the night before my test trial. I can confirm with 110% certainty that this is the proper way to summon the attention of these moon elders (source: books, probably; like really reliable ones), so clearly I cannot be at fault for my recent failure.
In light of this information, we can only reasonably conclude that the Zylaxian people have something against me personally. Though clinical studies are still being conducted, our researchers suspect that this is due to jealousy of my rugged good looks and charming, devil-may-care attitude. Now that we have determined what went wrong with my attempt at VSMfS, the next step is to consider steps to take in the future to prevent a repeat failure.
In regards to improvements for next time, I have realized the most logical course to take next and have since been taking preparatory action for my solution. I found a schematic for an advanced laser rifle in either some ancient ruins and/or some kid’s deviantArt account, I can’t recall which. Next, I assembled a near-identical, functioning facsimile of these blueprints by combining various parts from my local hardware store and some fancy looking bits I extracted from my radio. I then approximated the chemical reaction necessary to power the lasers with some stuff I found under the sink. This leaves me almost entirely prepared to take my next rational step towards future improvement: War.
After purchasing what a legitimate car dealer assured me was an authentic Native American space canoe, I am but one step away from initiating the final stages of my plans. At daybreak four days from now, I shall launch my craft from the back parking lot of the K-Mart on 5th street. But I cannot man the vessel without able hands to assist me in navigation, operation of space sails, and in-flight puppet shows. I thereby offer forth an open invitation to noble souls who dare to fight with me in the struggle to rid the universe of Nagging forever. Meet me at launch day and we shall assault the Zylaxians head-on, striking at the very heart of their empire. In a stunningly brilliant tactical maneuver, we will capture and hold hostage their high priestess. Then we shall order their moon elders executed and ensure that never again shall their vile magyks be used for the evil of isolating hard working men from their friends and family by way of irritating back chat. Then, with the last of their art dead and space-buried, we shall take up their mantle as our own and make use of those dark sorceries to extract our grim revenge.
This concludes my paper on persuasive techniques.