Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Oblivion Adventures Part 13: DIY Apocalypse

On the last episode of Oblivion Adventures, our more-or-less hero Shush’Ogar was having vivid dreams. Someone else’s, to be precise. After vanquishing a host of nightmares and receiving some nightmarish compensation for his trouble, Shush set out yet again. We rejoin him as he travels Where was he again?

Shush were very lost.


Shush were only one town away from visiting all de mage-y guilds in de whole Cyrodil an gettin into de fancy mage-y college. So Shush went down de road to de last town, along de river near de ocean. But den Shush got distracted by one of de bandits along de way an went further into de woods den normal. Den Shush saw some pretty flowers a bit more into de woods. Den Shush saw some more bandits to smash an...well, now Shush were having no idea where he was. Dere were definitely trees an stuff. Shush scratched his head, an had a great idea. Shush were makin a map before, so dat he could figure out where de stuff was in de places. Shush pulled de map outta his pack.

“Oooooh, now it are startin to make sense.”

Shush nodded up an down a bunch to show dat he were considurering de map. Shush could tell dat an expert carty-graffer had done an made dis map dat Shush was holdin. After takin a real gud look at de map, Shush finally understood all de tings! Y’see, Shush were HERE. And Shush needed to move from HERE to another, different HERE. Dat would solve all de problems with bein lost Shush were havin! Glad dat Shush had done a real gud job, Shush put away his map an startin walkin in a random direction.

It started rainin as Shush went, but he didn’t see any more bandits. After walkin in a line an pickin flowers for a bit, Shush heard some people mumblin. So Shush walked towards de noise an den he saw dis real big statue of a guy in funny pants holdin a stick. Dere were a bunch of people wanderin around de statue and mumblin to themselves. Shush walked up to de nearest one, a lizard lady, an said hello.

“I used to be a dog” she said. “I got better. Not a better dog, though. I’m a terrible dog now. Tomorrow...who knows? Ravel may know. Talk to him.”

I typically try to hit some balance of original dialogue mixed with my own additions, but that’s a line I want to leave just as is.

Shush didn’t really understand wot de lizard lady was talkin about, but she pointed over to a dark elf guy in white clothes an a funny hat. Shush walked over to him.

For once Bethesda actually wants their NPCs to look strange.

“Place. Not place? Here. Not here? Welcome to the Grove of Madness, stranger.”

“Uh...Shush don’t understand wot dat means, exactly. De statue looks familiar to Shush. Is dis one of dose daedra tings?”

“You don’t know the Madgod?! Well that’s fine and dandy. I will have to eat your entrails, though. Unless you’re attached to them. In which case, I’ll have to take them out first.”

“Dat doesn’t sound very nice. Is dere anyway Shush can stop you from doin dat?”

“I don’t know. Why would I know? Nobody knows! Nobody except Sheogorath. Sehogorath knows that we don’t know that he doesn’t know. Doesn’t know what? The knowledge of knowing. If you know you don’t want to know about it, you should speak with Sheogorath. Or not.”

Shush scratched his head. “Uhh...Shush still isn’t sure wot you is talkin about, but Shush guess dat he wants to speak to dis Madguy.”

De strange elf nodded. “Then approach the Shrine. He might appear. Because it’s raining. He loves the rain. Because it’s wet. Or because it’s rainy. Not sure. Of course, you’ll need an offering. I think a lesser soul gem, a head of lettuce, and some yarn will do the trick. Yes. That’s what Sheogorath wants.”

So Shush put down his pack an started rootin through it. Shush had to pull out a lot of skulls to get to de tings de guy asked for. When Shush got de skulls outta de bag, de guy in white clapped his hands at Shush.

“Why those are lovely! Excellent vintage.”

“Oh, thanks! Shush thinks dey are pretty cool too.”

“What are their names? I could just pinch their little cheeks!”

“Uh...dey don’t have any. Of either a dose tings.”

After a sec Shush found a lesser soul gem, lettuce and some yarn in his bag. It were a gud ting dat Shush kept lotsa stuff in his bag just in case he needed dem for some weird reason. Shush walked up to de shrine and placed de stuff down. Nothin happened at first, but as Shush was about to turn away Shush heard a voice in his head.

A voice which sounded very strange to me, because it changes depending on whether or not you have an expansion installed.

“Another mortal dares to summon the daedric prince of madness? Already I’m bored. But enough about me. Let’s talk about you. I could turn you into a goat. Or a puddle. Or a bad idea. But perhaps I could make you into something useful. Let’s find out.”

“There’s a little settlement nearby called Border Watch. It’s a nice, peaceful place...and dull, dull, dull. You’re going to make their lives a smidgeon more interesting. They’re a superstitious bunch. Everything is an omen or a portent. Let’s make one come true. Find their shaman and ask about the K’Sharra prophecy. Figure out a way to make the first two parts come true. I’ll handle the rest, because it’s the most fun. Now run along.”

Shush decided dat it was a gud idea to listen when princes told him wot to do. So Shush headed down to de nearby village. As Shush started to get close, he saw dat de place was filled wit cat people.

When Shush got dere he walked into de center of town an said: “HEY! Which one of you guys is de sham-man?”

De cat people looked surprised an confused, but one of dem in a black robe stepped forward an walked up to Shush.

“I am Ri’Bassa, shaman of this village. What do you require of this one, stranger? Why have you come here?”

Well I heard this place was the cat’s pajamas. No kitten.

“Okey so Shush came here cause he gots ta ask you about de kay-sure-a-profess-sea.”

“You know of the K’Sharra Prophecy? How odd! Are you some sort of scholar?”

“Uh...wot does dat mean?”

“Oh, pardon me, my common-speak must be rusty. A scholar is one who goes from place to place, gathering knowledge.”

Shush thinked some. Shush did go from place to place learnin lotsa stuff. Mostly about smashin, but sometimes bout other stuff like mage-y-ness. Shush nodded. “Yeah, dat’s basically what Shush are.”

“Wonderful! I would be glad to tell you more. It has been told from our fathers, and our fathers’ fathers, that our time in this place will come to an end. My great-great-great grandfather, K’Sharra, foretold of a time when we would receive three signs from the gods, signaling the end of the world.”

“First, there is the Plague of Vermin. Our town will be overrun by disease carrying creatures. Rats, I would imagine. Horrible little things, though at least they’re not mudcrabs. I keep a powerful rat poison with me in case I see one of them.”

“Next is the Plague of Famine. It is foretold that our livestock will fall dead in their fields, with no apparent explanation. We have but the six sheep in our pasture, but we make sure they are well-tended.”

De robed cat man was silent for a bit, so Shush reminded him of wot dey were talkin about. “Wot’s de last sign?”

“...The Plague of Fear. I will not speak of this. Not to any outsider. I bid you good day.”

As de cat man walked away, Shush sat down an had a think. De crazy god guy said dat Shush needed to figure out how to make de first two of dose tings happen. So first Shush had ta figure out how to get a buncha rats in de village. Shush decided to walk around town for a bit until he got some ideas. Shush headed into de inn. Inside dere was a lady cat an a really strong smell. Shush sniffed a bit wit his nose, an de cat lady noticed him.

“Ah, I see you’re noticing my prized cheese collection! The smell is so potent, is it not? Even locked up in these display cases, some of the stronger ones bleed through. I daresay if I ever took the Olroy Cheese here out of its box, it would attract every rat within a hundred miles!”

Shush stopped pickin his nose an looked at de cat lady. “Did you say dat de cheese you had would get a buncha rats to come?”


“Like a lotta lotta rats?”


On a scale of one to rats...

“Like enough rats dat it would seem exactly like dat prophecy you guys have an stuff?”

“What an oddly specific question, peculiar yet charming stranger! Why yes, I feel there is nothing remotely suspicious about me telling you, it would seem just like the first stage of our terrifying end-of-days prophecy. Any other questions?”

“Uh...ya Shush got one. Can you turn your back for a sec?”

Stealth in this game is silly.

“Sure I can turn my back. Why am I doing this? Is there something neat to look at on this wall? I don’t see anything...”

Shush decided to now use his expert sneaky skills. Shush started crouchin an he waddled back behind de counter of de inn. Shush were just about to reach de case wit de cheese de lady mentioned when Shush moved too fast. De floor boards creaked an Shush’s clanky clothes made a whole lotta noise. De lady turned around.

“Hello there!” she said.

Shush stood still for a sec, thinkin about wot to do. Den Shush slowly crouch-walked backwards, out from behind de counter an to de far side of de room. Shush waited for a minute. Den de lady turned back around to start examinin de wall again.

Stealth in this game is REALLY silly.

Dis time Shush was real careful about his sneakin an made it to de cheese case. Shush opened de lock by jammin a buncha picks in it until it opened. Den he took de cheese an put it in his bag. Shush stood up, and walked out from behind de counter an towards de door.

“Well okey lady thanks Shush has gots ta go now bye!”

“Oh, alright then. Goodbye, friendly stranger! I’m just going to spend a few days looking at this wall to make sure I uncover whatever secrets you may have been referring to!”

When Shush got outside, he took de cheese from his bag and threw it in de pot of soup in de center of town. It smelled really super not gud. Shush stood back from de smell an stated to hear squeakin. After a minute, lotsa big rats started runnin into town an up towards de soup pot. People came outside to see wot was happenin an startin lookin scared an worried. De robed cat guy came out an gasped.

“Can it be, the first sign?! Oh no!”

He ran up an threw rat poison in de soup an all around it in big piles. De rats started dyin when dey had soup wit de poison in it, an dats when Shush’s brain had a super duper smarty pants idea. Shush walked up to de cat guy after he was done throwin poison everywhere.

“Hey cat guy.”

“What? Oh, hello friendly stranger. I apologize if I seem distraught, I just saw a troubling omen.”

“Shush gots a question. Dat rat poison, it kills things dat eat it, ya?”

“That would be the point of rat poison, yes.”

“Would it work on tings dat aren’t rats? Like other animals?”

“Why yes, of course. It would work on animals such as wolves, pigs, cows...”


It’s not called sheep poison, so more research is required.

“That is another completely innocuous example, yes. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m a bit busy at the moment and don’t have time to answer your innocent inquiries.”

Shush rubbed his hands together. Time to do Shush’s really cool an smart plan. Shush walked up to one of de big piles of rat poison around de soup pan, an he picked up as much of de powder as he could wit both hands. Den Shush walked a few steps over to de sheep pen. Den Shush dropped all of de poison in de sheep food. Shush stood back an waited while de sheepies came to eat. Dey started fallin over an dyin when dey did. A couple of dem were takin a real long time to eat, an Shush got bored. So Shush walked over an just smashed em wit his hammer.

When one of de cat people saw de dead sheep, dey screamed. Dey ran into de center of de town an shouted: “The second sign! The livestock are dead, the second sign is upon us!”

People started runnin out of dere houses, yelling questions.

“What? How? What happened?!”

“They all mysteriously dropped dead next to their food trough, just as the prophecy foretold! Well a couple of them died due to spontaneous head explosions, but no less mysteriously!”

Shush sneakily wiped his bloody hammer in de grass when no one was lookin.

You know I forgive it for it, because this is a pretty unique and fun quest, but the people here may just be a TEENSY bit gullible, even for video game standards.

“The livestock are dead! Dead! The second sign is here, we’re doomed! Look to the skies! Look to the skies!”

All of a sudden, Shush heard a voice in his head, same as before: “You’ve done well mortal. I’m amused, I think. Let me handle this last part. And make sure to duck.”

Den de sky started to get all red an stormy, an dere were loud rumbles in it. People were screamin an runnin all over de place. Den, a bunch of dogs dat were on fire started rainin from de sky.

Hot dog, this is a cat-astrophe! Son of a bitch, it’s raining cats and dogs out there! For someone to do this on purrpose, they’d have to be barking mad!

Shush ran outta town before any of de doggies hit him. Dat was weird. But Shush had done wot de mad guy had said, so he headed back to where de statue was to talk to him again. As Shush was walkin into de clearin, de elf in de bath robe saw him an talked to him again.

“You’ve pleased the Madgod!” He patted Shush on de back. “You must be proud of yourself. I, for one, would still like to eat your eyes. But good for you!”

“Uh...thanks? ‘Scuse Shush.”

Shush quickly walked away from de weird elf an came up to de statue. When Shush did, de voice of de mad guy god dude started speakin again.

“Hey! Good times. Good times. I hope you had as much fun as I did, mortal. Here, take this thing!”

A weird lookin stick fell from de sky right in front of de statue. Shush walked forward an picked it up.

“Wots dis ting?”

“You don’t know what a Wabbajack is?! Why, I should flay your hide and make a tasteful chaise lounge cover with it! Mind you, I don’t know what it is either! Here, allow me to read you the owner’s manual.”

Shush heard de faint sound of a teapot smashin into pieces.

“Ah, here it is! How to Operate a Mundus-Standard, Stick-Shift, GMO Free Wabbajack!

Step One: Acquire a Wabbajack, preferably from a licensed Wabbajack Wobbler.

Step Two: Point your Wabbajack at your desired Wabbajackee, and dream of freshly juiced sweet rolls. The Wabbajack should release a Wabbajack that Wabbajacks the target.

Step Thrrrree: Enjoy your newly Wabbajacked Wabbajackee, and beware it’s potentially deadly claws.

And that’s that!”

Shush were confused. He held up de stick thingy, pointed it at one of the crazy people, an just kinda wiggled it around for a bit. Den suddenly a whooshy ball of magic shot out of de stick an hit de crazy guy, who got covered in a buncha smoke. When de smoke cleared, dere was a sheep sittin dere instead.

“Hey, it worked...Shush thinks?”

“Well there you are, nicely done! Especially since I was reading what was supposed to be a recipe for shepard’s pie! Well this has just been an enchanting experience, thank you very much, I’ll never forget you, and please leave before I roast your ocular cavity from the inside.”

Shush decided dis was a gud time to run away, so he did. Shush s’posed he did a gud job back dere, an he got a neat magic-y stick outta it. But dose guys were really weird an it made Shush uncomfortable. If Shush never had to see dat guy again, Shush would be okay wit dat.

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