Sunday, April 1, 2018

The World's Best DLC

Do you wish there was more innovation in the video game industry? Are you sick of companies spitting out the same thing year after year, without consideration for craft or quality? Do you want to see a bold new face, leading the charge in providing you top-notch gaming experiences? Well then we know just what you're looking for, and it's called Generigame Studios.

Founded all the way back in late 2017, Generigame Studios has a long and storied history of creating high profile, innovative new IPs. Our epic back catalog of gaming excellence includes The Square Who Killed Another Square, an indie game made by one guy in a few weeks of spare time, and nothing else. With such a tour de force of quality games and services, it only made sense to expand into a new company set to take the gaming world by storm. But we're not just here to spread the word about Generigame Studios. We're here to share info on DLC for one of our most popular titles! That's right, The Square Who Killed Another Square is getting brand-new content, details of which can be found below!

Exciting New Customization Options!


Some games allow you to truly immerse yourself in a strange new world. You feel like you're really there, in a realm of fantasy and adventure, ready to brave treacherous trials and deadly dungeons in an epic journey spanning countless hours. At times like these, as a small determined hero in a vast land of magic and uncertainty, what more could a gamer ask for? We think we know. And the answer is MAD SWAG!!!

That's right, cosmetic items are soon being added to The Square Who Killed Another Square! No longer will you be forced to travel the land dressed as something lame like a mystical wizard. Now you'll be able to bling your bad self out in lit outfits with stylin' designs and all your fave colors. You'll think you're hashtag blessed when you scope these crazy woke costumes, all of which are straight-up YOLOSWAG! YOLOSWAG is an adjective, right? If so, we assure you that these costumes are YOLOSWAG AF.

It all works through a highly innovative and forward-thinking customization system we like to call The Pixel Picker(tm). You're probably clawing at your computer screen right now, crying "But Generigame Studios! How does this exciting new system work?! Reveal your fashion secrets to me, Generigames! I thirst for the succor only costume menu screens can bring!"

Well luckily for you, it's as simple as it is innovative! All you have to do is acquire Style Boxes with a special currency called Cubux! Cubux are acquired using extremely affordable microtransactions which we'll be detailing later in this article. Then you just operate The Pixel Picker(tm) in the new Pixel Palace(tm) submenu, where you can extract Pixel Palettes(tm) from Pixel Packs(tm) and use them to select Pixel Patches(tm) to apply to your Player Pcharacter(tm). The possibilities are as boundless as your imagination*!

*Assuming your imagination is a 4x4 sprite in 32 colors.

Bold. Beautiful. Daring. Debonair. Vibrant. Visible. Handsome. Hue slider.

Now you’re all decked in this season’s hottest monster slaying ensemble. You’re super satisfied with you savvy purchase, enough that you’ll be screaming our praises on social media, but you can’t help but wonder: What now? What’s the point of being mad stylish like a boss on fleek if you don’t have anyone to share it with? That’s why The Square Who Killed Another Square DLC comes with not just cosmetic items, but a brand new multiplayer mode to show them off: The Styleseum!

In the fierce fashion fights of this beautiful bloodbath, you’ll face other players one-on-one in dashing deathmatches. But here your damage is determined not by your Attack stat, but the all-new Style stat! Your Style is calculated using a complex combination of the monetary value of your clothing and absolutely nothing else. If you strategy nerds think you can sneak by unstylish, well watch out Sun Tzu! Because in the Styleseum, you gotta flaunt it to survive it, and your HP has also been replaced by the Style stat! Speed has been replaced by Style too, because fashion is fast or something. An interesting fact is that this leaves your Level as the only stat not replaced by Style. Level is also replaced by Style.

Winners at the Styleseum gain prestigious awards like top leaderboard placings, in-game trophies, in-game achievements, in-game medals, in-game certificates, in-game applause and in-game self-esteem. Plus the top Styleseum contenders each season get the EXCLUSIVE privilege of purchasing next season’s cosmetic items weeks before everyone else! Of course, we want to keep things completely fair for all competitors. So these statistically superior outfits will be sold at an extremely high markup, for balance.

We hope you look forward to this fresh new multiplayer mode! We here at Generigames Studios are all very excited, and plan on updating the feature regularly. We’re even more excited for the point where it gets big enough that we can remove single player entirely.

Exciting New Epic Boss Encounters!


It’s not just outrageous outfits that are coming soon to The Square Who Killed Another Square. We’re also cooking up plenty of absolutely awesome new gameplay, starting with an epic all-new boss! It’s called the World-eating Humongous Aquatic Life Executioner, or WHALE for short. The WHALE is a fresh and innovative new enemy with tons of unique mechanics created specifically for it! It’s sure to be an engaging challenge for new and old players alike, especially due to its most unique feature: You never know when the WHALE will strike!

In the past, some games have explored the high-octane thrill of being stalked by a powerful enemy. The model has seen great success in games like Resident Evil 3, Alien: Isolation, and those Steam games that last three minutes and render you legally deaf. Our design staff was inspired by all these universally beloved games, and the result was the WHALE. When the next mandatory DLC patch hits, any encounter could be one with the WHALE. It has a chance to appear anywhere in the world, even in areas where battles normally can’t happen, like towns or the menu screen. And every 10 seconds of playtime until you encounter the WHALE, the chance doubles! We think players will really appreciate the palpable tension and excitement this new foe brings to the table.

When your battle with the WHALE inevitably happens, it’ll be a moment you never forget! The WHALE is the ultimate being, all of its stats one below the maximum number your computer can calculate. The WHALE will never abandon its prey, so of course fleeing isn’t an option. The WHALE is comprised of pure calcified fear from the deepest region of the cosmos, so to keep things lore-friendly all your normal combat options are replaced with cool new ones like Cry and Scream. The WHALE does not obey the laws of our paltry reality, so it can attack whenever it wants to, even during the player’s turn. The WHALE transcends all dimensions, so losing to him will not just end your game but release a gaseous substance from your PC that will induce violent, WHALE-based nightmares*.

*You may be concerned that installing nightmare gas on your computer will be extra hassle. Never fear**, Generigame Studios already installed them while you slept as per the EULA.

**Except during the nightmares.

Here we see a preview of WHALE-based combat in The Square Who Killed Another Square's trademark hyper-realistic visual style.

We think the WHALE will delight our hardcore fans and grant a great sense of pride and accomplishment. But what if, for some reason, you don’t want to deal with the WHALE? No problem! We’re very big on player choice. At Generigame Studios, It’s Your Play, Your Way(tm). So we've implemented all sorts of useful new features to help players tackle the WHALE.

Cubux are the WHALE's favorite snack, and by feeding them to it you can lower its stats to numbers human minds can comprehend. Cubux shops have been supplied with all-new WHALE-slayer weapons which prevent the WHALE from attacking every nanosecond you're in the menu. You can also invest in stalwart WHALE-proof armor to prevent its psychic assault from rendering all your abilities useless. Savvy players will want to combine these with WHALEier Barrier Potions, which prevent the WHALE's reality-rending blows from killing you for one turn. With the proper supplies and a really really really really really high amount of luck and patience, you can defeat the dreaded WHALE and enjoy its bounty of literally infinite experience and gold.

 Maybe you're feeling like you don't want to fight the WHALE today. Well normally the WHALE does not allow infinitesimal specks such as yourself a say in the matter, but luckily we've got your back! Use a WHALEscape Rope item to temporarily flee from the eldritch destroyer, until your next encounter a few steps later. With just a few sprays of WHALE Repellant, you can extend your WHALE-free time to entire minutes of gameplay! Mental WHALE Balm is also a smart shopping choice, as when properly applied it will reduce your ceaseless WHALE nightmares to merely every other night. Of course, it wouldn't be any fun if we let such an awesome foe be defeated too easily! Whether you run from it or kill it, the WHALE will be back soon. And as per the EULA, the WHALE will never truly leave you, even if you uninstall the game. Or destroy your computer! It will find a way to get close to you. Content to wait. To sleep. To watch.

Exciting New Revenue Generating Methods!


In this fast-paced modern day lifestyle, we all wish that methods of content delivery could be brought up to speed with our day-to-day. That's why Generigame Studios isn't just innovating in the realm of immersive and thrilling entertainment experiences. We're also leading the charge in the way our A+ goods and services are efficiently delivered straight to the consumer.

Now I know what some of you skeptics are thinking. Aren't those just a bunch of buzz words? But trust us, we here at Generigame Studios hold sincerity and transparency in the highest regard. The only buzz we care about is the kind we generate from loyal fans spreading the word about our truly awesome gaming experiences. In an unrelated side note, we will now briefly pause this article to say "blockchain" 66 times.

Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Blockchain. Live Services. Blockchain.

So how are we changing the way we deliver products? It's easy! First you pop open the Generigame Studios store and check out all the awesome stuff we have to offer. Amidst this sumptuous shopping paradise you'll find Cuboxes and Cukeys, both available for a shockingly low amount of real-world cash. Of course these items can be earned with in-game currency as well, at a convenient exchange rate of three million gold per $0.02USD. The Cuboxes and Cukeys you get are always random, and only certain Cukeys can open each Cubox. Once you've got the right Cukey for your Cubox, it'll dispense either gold or a Slot Card.

Slot Cards can be spent at the Cuslot Station, where after a pulse-pounding display of visual flair you'll end up with either gold or ingots of Cumetal. By taking Cumetal down to the Forging Station, you can remove its impurities and end up with either gold or the rare and valuable Cublades. With Cublades, you can cut through up to several layers of The Grand Cuvault before the blade breaks. Once you've successfully penetrated the vault, you have a chance of nabbing a highly sought-after Cusafe before the Cuguards arrive to confiscate it. Opening your Cusafe, which obviously requires additional Cukeys, will lead to the greatest prize of all: Either gold or a small pouch of rare Cubux! You can then use those Cubux to purchase our various DLC.

Here we see a Cusafe opening in action. The excitement is palpable!

Wow, what a fun and engaging system to really reward players who visit our store! But to Generigame Studios, Player Choice Is Everything(tm), so we didn't stop there. We've also added a bunch of exciting alternative methods of earning yourself those sweet, sweet Cubux! Just a small sample of those alternative earning methods are listed below:

--Watch approved ads for Cusafes! At only several thousand three minute ads per Cusafe, this is a great option for those savvy players with tight budgets and literally infinite time!

--Help test our new features on private alpha builds! This is a great option for gamers who want to get extra rewards AND see their favorite content early, assuming your favorite content is painstakingly documenting collision data and frustrating UI glitches.

--Attend our own programming boot camp! A great option for coders on the rise, we'll give you free in-game items in exchange for going through periodic coding exercises that look suspiciously similar to fixing our bugs and writing future builds.

--Volunteer at Generigame Studios Production Facilities! We have all kinds of exciting incentive programs to enroll in here. You can earn in-game items in exchange for fun activities like assembling our action figures, managing our budget, or janitorial work.

--Deliver special, secret Generigames cargo! Note that earning Cubux through this program requires a driver's license, fake driver's license, and the ability to cross borders undetected.

--Make specific critics of Generigame Studios disappear! You didn't hear it from us, but this is the easily the fastest way to earn Cubux. Just make sure you aren't a target, haha!

Ha. Ha.

At this point, there are some common questions we'd like to address. "Generigame Studios, doesn't that seem like a lot of work to earn in-game items? Is it possible that some people would consider your innovative Cubux systems unethical? What have you done with my wife?!" Well slow down there, eager beavers, we've got the answer to most of these questions!

It is true that some of our awesome new rewards can take a little while to earn. But we at Generigame Studios know that entertainment is so much more satisfying when it takes true grit and determination to see it through. And if you disagree, an easier ride is just a quick pay away! As for the assertion that we're being unethical, we assure our fans that these are completely baseless. Most of our revenue earning activities are totally legal in certain countries. The DLC itself is a tremendous value anyone would enjoy, for given values of every word in that sentence.

The point is, any of our policies that might be construed as slightly anti-consumer are clearly not that bad. And if they are, we aren’t responsible! After all, we’re just lowly game developers and PR agents, beholden to the whims of upper management. And it certainly can’t be upper managements fault, they’re beholden to the whims of the CEO. Obviously the CEO can’t be at fault, he’s beholden to the whims of the shareholders. And there’s no way the shareholders are at fault, they’re beholden to five minutes of googling and a sock puppet named “Market Trends” that whispers to them in their sleep. If there’s one thing this perpetual buck motion machine has taught us, it’s that when horrible business decisions hurt consumers nobody’s really "at fault".

But if they were, it would definitely be you.

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