Sunday, February 3, 2013

A Paper on Environmentalism

Earlier today I was struggling with an assignment for an unnamed class in which I had to identify a problem related to the class being green and offer a solution. I was not fond of the assignment, so I did something I've done once or twice before to amuse myself: I wrote out a fake, comedic version of the essay. Normally I only write these for my own amusement, but upon showing it to a friend they said I should post it on the blog. Given that school and my own laziness is keeping this blog as empty as usual lately, I figured why the hell not. So here, presented for your amusement, is some unedited, off-the-cuff madness from a bored and frustrated paper writer:

Did you know that carpets are made of materials, and that materials have to be produced in such a way that they produce carbon emissions? Do they? I don’t know, but probably! So clearly carpets are a dire threat to our planets atmospheric ocean chemical intake heat rating index or something. Do not worry, you filthy carpet supporters, I have a solution to your gross environmental incompetence!

Since the carpets in the technology buildings are probably poisoning our atmosphere and eating our babies or whatever, the first step is to dispose of them. To that end, we will distribute to every student an industrial-grade lawnmower with a chainsaw attached. You can even make a team building exercise out of the experience! Except the teams are picked without direction on the spot, and the goal of the exercise is “Try and make it through the carpet genocide without killing anyone who is your team mate”.

Once the building is now filled with carpet shavings and blood, we can proceed to the next stage of our dark harvest. We’ve gotten rid of the carpets, but the ensuing debris still sits there, mocking our proud environmentalist efforts. Are you just gonna sit there and let those heathen carpet shaving win? Of course you aren’t! So the clear follow-up solution is to make drugs out of the carpets!

Some early proto-typing of this idea with a terrified man I started rambling at on the street revealed that some of you may not be as in touch with your true Inner Enviroselves in a way such as me; and thus might foolishly call this step in the plan “unprecedented” or “batshit insane”. These non-believers have simply yet to see the glorious light of my pro-environmental genius, and we’re going to drag them into it kicking and screaming, together.

You see, there are lots of ways out there to help the environment. Solar panels, wind energy, cannibalizing your anti-environmental competition, and more! But installation and bail fees are expensive, and require large amounts of money to pull off. So clearly to save the environment we need lots of money! But oh Ecological Messiah, I hear you throbbing unwashed masses cry, how can we acquire this “money”, of which you speak? Well if you’re a certified Ecoenvirogreenologist like myself, the answer is obvious! Drugs!

You see “drugs” are, in my limited experience, a plentiful source of cash moneys. I don’t know why, as that type of knowledge is unnecessary, like all knowledge outside my Biomnipitence Sphere. So in order to get the money to save the planet from carbon demons, we simply have to distribute drugs!

So you’ve eviscerated your office floors with only a few fatal casualties, laced the remaining carpet shavings with crack to create the hot, experimental new drug “Crackpet” and have started to try and force it on your neighbors children for profit. What more can a vigilant Envirocrusader do in the ongoing war against the waste dragons and pollution devils of the world?

Well the final step is clear, my burgeoning Eco-disciples! All sensible organizations know that the only proper initiation into their chosen ranks is taking a fellow human life, and Environmentalism is no exception. The human scum of this world clings to its shell like a molding carcass with a death grip, spreading its hideous seeds of cloying, polluting despair. This disease may shock and appall you, but fortunately there is a cure: death. Look upon the world and see the turmoil! People driving hummers, smoking cigarettes, dropping wrappers on the very ground they walk on! There is no hope for these lost souls, these poor twisted monsters that were once normal, environmentally conscious human beings. Only the sweet embrace of nothingness can save them now, and you will have to be their harbinger.

I hope you’ve enjoyed my innovative solution to solving the environment! If everyone follows these easy steps, the department will be Green in no time!

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