Monday, April 1, 2013

Genericide Update: My True Calling

Hello again, faithful viewer(s)! You’re probably expecting me to do the same thing I always do and start this update apologizing for how long it’s been since I’ve updated. But I’m going to do things a little different this time. For you see, I have good news for all of you. Soon, I think I’ll be updating the blog much more often than I have been. There’s a good reason for this, which is as follows:

I’m going to stop writing about video games!

Some of you may be shocked by this development, but those that have been paying close attention will probably have seen this coming, and be nodding their heads knowingly right now. I did my best to keep this a secret, but I’m finally ready to share the truth with you all. I don’t like video games! As a matter of fact, I’ve never liked video games! I mean come on you guys, how could I like something so overwhelmingly stupid? Pressing buttons to make a dude on a screen do things? I’m glad I can finally speak my mind and say fuck that shit!

Even just looking at them makes me physically ill. This is what they still look like, right?

As it turns out, I never even played any of the games I wrote about! I actually outsourced all my video game playing to a sweatshop somewhere in a tiny country the name of which I can’t pronounce. I then wrote about whatever they told me, blatantly embellishing when I had to, or even writing complete fiction when my translator failed. Really, I’m surprised none of you guys caught on to this earlier, given the huge amounts of flagrant errors I wrote. For example, did you guys know that Shadow the Hedgehog is actually a game about dicing yams?

And I guess that one game where you play as Zelda is a cow milking simulator or something?

So you readers probably have the obvious follow-up question in mind. Why on earth would I write about these putrid video games if I, like any sane person, wouldn’t touch them with a pole of exceedingly unreasonable size? Well the answer is, of course, money. Lots and lots of money. It’s a little known fact that “unknown, anonymous video game blogger” is one of the most profitable professions in the world, right above “Popular Celebrity” and right below “CEO” and “Street Performer”. So I knew that even though I was morally against it, I would have grit my teeth and purchase some shady cheap labor so that I could make piles of cash off of pretending to like something on the internet.

Thankfully, it worked! I earned so much money from these past months blogging that I may have to invent a new word for how truly rich I am, like Moolahmazing or Wealthtastic. I have so much cash that I have an actual size model of Scrooge McDuck’s vault, made entirely of gold and bills with at least 4 zeros, sitting in a corner of my own vault. I wasn’t actually lying when I said I had my own private island, but it’s literally just the vault, as there’s no room for anything else. I have so much money my butler’s butler uses small business owners tied to his feet as shoes. I’m actually running my own yacht club inside the swimming pool of my cruise ship. My specialized brand of hair gel is actually a mix of caviar, liquid gold, and the blood of every major world nation’s leader (they have to pay tribute of course). My “house” (I loathe to use the term as it’s more of a principality) is so large that people keep asking me to search for an ancient, undiscovered tribal society they believe was lost in my flower beds.

And for some reason strange lizards keep getting into my piggy bank.

I’m pretty rich, is what I’m saying. This being the case, I no longer need to keep up this paper-thin charade of not despising video games any longer. But wait, I hear you reader(s) cry! At the beginning of this article didn’t you say that you’d be writing more, even on this blog specifically? Why thank you for your question, theoretical humanoid being! As a matter of fact I will still be writing, even for this blog, in the near future. I just won’t be writing about those vile video games anymore. Since I don’t need money from now on, I’ll be writing for my own enjoyment, which means the topic of the blog will shift to my true calling in life.

This being said, I’m proud to announce that starting soon, will begin redirecting to! I know most of you aren’t too surprised by this, as my passion for this subject has been pretty obvious to anyone taking note of all the subtle cues. To those who clearly haven’t been paying attention, it’s a well-documented fact that I’ve been disappointed in the lack of same sex relationships in the Coleopteran fanfic community of late.

Coleoptera is the type of insects some of you uncultured racist swine may know as beetles.

I aim to remedy this with my own writing, and I’m sure most of you are happy to hear I’m finally moving on. So the next obvious follow-up question would be what specific thing will I be writing fan fiction about? The answer is all sorts of things, questioning reader! I will have a colossal cavalcade of carapace-crowned creatures coveting chitin-covered carnal relations I’ll certainly cater to coming up in the following months. Though of course I’ll eventually try to cover as many insect-based bases as possible, I’m planning on starting out with a series starring Stagberto from Magical Fantastical Insect Girl Delight Forever! . It’s certainly not a controversial choice, as I’m sure you all, like most, consider it the premiere work in Coleopteran romance anime of our generation. Some of you may question my choice of Stagberto instead of the more obvious main protagonist Shelldon, but I’ve personally never been a fan of how tsundere he is.

As for the supporting cast (and potential parings of course, because what else is a supporting cast even for?), they’ll feature all the established names you’d predict from the Coleopteran community. I’m planning on featuring Anub’arak early on in the work, and I can say that Pinsir will make an appearance (and so of course Heracross will make one as well, because there’s no way you can only have half of that classic rivalry). I’m thinking I’ll work Bugzzy in there somewhere because there’s always plenty you can do with the bad boy angle. But of course, the only ship I absolutely must include is my personal favorite, Anyone X Skeram. And really, can anyone honestly blame me?

Pictured: The sexiest thing in the universe.

But of course I don’t want to tell you too much about the stories to come because it’d spoil the surprise. However, at the same time I know it would be rude to just leave you hanging like this. After all I’m sure by now you’re all slavering at the mouth in anticipation of the juicy (and yet also crunchy) carapace-laden action that is to come. And after leaving you without updates so long I feel guilty. So to tide over your no doubt insatiable hunger until I’m ready to start the fanfic up proper, I’ll leave you with an excerpt from the piece that occurs later on. Enjoy.

[Warning: The following may be inappropriate for child!]

It was night time, and thus significantly more dark than the day is, even when it is relatively dark during the day. The stars were visible in the sky because that is the backdrop upon which stars are normally visible. I turned away from my window (because I was looking out my window at the stars I mentioned earlier) and walked across my room. I paused in front of my mirror and looked at my reflection, the reflection of Stagberto Hornley Shellman Rodriguez, because that is who I am, in what was suspiciously reminiscent of an initial establishing character shot. I admired my sexy physique in the reflection, as it was sexy. My shell shone like a particularly shiny object, like a wet rock or something, I don’t know. My sexy horns were smooth and pointed at just the right angle to be more sexily sexy than an excessively sexy thing, because apparently well pointed horns are a really sexy thing to Coleopterans. In the middle of admiring my sexy body which was quite sexy, I heard a knock on my door.

“Who is that who is knocking on my door right now?” I whispered softly, but in a sexy soft sort of way. From the door on the other side of my room where someone had knocked, there was no answer. “…who is that who is refraining to answer me who had previously knocked on the door before my question?” I inquired softly and sexily, like before but even sexier. The door and whatever person was on the other side of it remained as silent as they had been before, which is to say they were exceedingly silent because they hadn’t made any noise before. “…” I ellipsed broodily, brooding over these troubling and altogether brood-worthy developments that had just occurred. “…alright, this is your last chance” I whispered even more sexier than the previous two whispers, like so sexy that it would have completely blown someone away with its sheer sexiness. Like if you were to rate these sexy whispers of sexiness on some sort of Sexometer, the first would rate somewhere around “Pretty Sexy”, and then the second would have rated around something like “Really Pretty Sexy”, and then the last would have rated somewhere like “Really Pretty Damn Sexy”. “If you don’t show yourself by way of opening that door slowly and dramatically within the vicinity of several seconds of dramatic tension from now,” I said, still in a super sexy fashion, “then I will come over there and slowly and dramatically open it myself.”

Several tense and dramatic seconds passed slowly and dramatically. I was about to walk over and open the door like I said I was going to do earlier when suddenly and dramatically it creaked. As the door creakily inched open slowly, it dramatically revealed who was standing, and, by reasonable logical approximation, the person who had previously been knocking on said door at the end of the first paragraph. This aforementioned person, who appeared on the other side of the door, and who was discovered by me at this precise moment, was revealed to be…



Heracross looked at me softly with soft eyes that were softer than silk assuming silk is actually something that’s pretty soft. I looked back at him with my eyes because that is what continued vision generally entails. But I did it sexily. “Heracross…” I whispered at him in my trademarked softsexy tones. “…why are you here?” I asked, even though I knew why he was here. Bugzzy-chan had been particularly rough with him at foosball practice earlier today, and of course Pinsir-senpai couldn’t resist a chance to join in. He looked vulnerable and frightened, but in a totally sexy type of way.

“…Heracross”, Heracross said.

But I knew that was a lie. “I know that was a lie, Heracross” I said as I closed the door behind him (he had totally walked into the room while I was saying that). Heracross blushed, unless blushing isn’t a thing that Coleopterans can’t do, in which case he did whatever the Coleopteran equivalent of blushing is. I looked deeply and sexily at Heracross. He looked into my eyes and I looked into his. I looked into his eyes and he looked into mine. Our eyes generally looked at each other in a sexy manner, because that is the essential function of ocular organs (when possessed by particularly sexy individuals, which we were). The sexy moment was filled with tension and sexy thoughts of sex.

“…Heracross Heracross, Heracross” Heracross said. He always did have a way with words.

Immediately, I found our proboscises…es (proboscisii?) entangled in what was probably a good insectile approximation of a sexy kiss. Coleopterans have proboscises, right? I’m pretty sure they do. Sexy ones. Anyway, as we sexily entwined our sexy proboscises in a manner that, should it be rated by a panel of our peers, would be generally agreed upon to be ridiculously sexy, I looked upon Heracross. I looked over his smooth horn, his sensuous antennae, and his hard, chitinous exterior, and realized I wanted him. For sex. I wanted to have sex with him, just so we’re clear on the intent of that statement.

“Heracross,” I said breathlessly, which increased the sexiness factor of how it sounded by at least 3.5, “I want to have sexy sex with you. Do you want to have sexy sex with me?” Heracross stopped, and gave me a deep, sexy look so I could see into the dead center of his deep, sexy eyes (which were really fairly sexy).

“…Heracross” he said.

And with that, we proceeded to have sexy sex in unnecessarily excessive quantities. Bathed in moonlight (only not literally, because its light and you can’t bathe in light, it just means that there was moonlight) from the moon, we had some of the most downright sextastic sex that two sexy Coleopterans have ever sexed. There was chitin and other Coleopteran-related body parts sexily flying all over the place as we sexed intensely and without recourse. We sexed literally nonstop for the entire night, until the moonlight started to fade (because the moon wasn’t around to provide light, so the light went away), because sexing for that long without stopping is a totally realistic thing real sexy people do during their copious amounts of sexy sex. It was above all exceedingly, exceptionally, remarkably, outstandingly, abundantly, intensely, unabashedly, amazingly, fantastically, and all around incredibly sexy.

As we lay in the lack-of-moonlight next to each other in the afterglow that happens after sexy sex occurs, I looked sexily over at him. I whispered to him sexsoftily: “…you had me at ‘Heracross’”.

1 comment:

  1. I know your designation is "needlessly verbose," and that can be an annoyance on occasion, but that beetle fan-fic is perhaps the most flagrant display of your ability to willfully disgorge prodigious amounts of unnecessary text ever beheld.