I’m going to stop writing
about video games!
Some of you may be
shocked by this development, but those that have been paying close attention
will probably have seen this coming, and be nodding their heads knowingly right
now. I did my best to keep this a secret, but I’m finally ready to share the
truth with you all. I don’t like video games! As a matter of fact, I’ve never
liked video games! I mean come on you guys, how could I like something so
overwhelmingly stupid? Pressing buttons to make a dude on a screen do things?
I’m glad I can finally speak my mind and say fuck that shit!
Even just looking at
them makes me physically ill. This is what they still look like, right?
As it turns out, I never
even played any of the games I wrote
about! I actually outsourced all my video game playing to a sweatshop somewhere
in a tiny country the name of which I can’t pronounce. I then wrote about
whatever they told me, blatantly embellishing when I had to, or even writing
complete fiction when my translator failed. Really, I’m surprised none of you
guys caught on to this earlier, given the huge amounts of flagrant errors I
wrote. For example, did you guys know that Shadow the Hedgehog is actually a
game about dicing yams?
And I guess that one
game where you play as Zelda is a cow milking simulator or something?
So you readers probably
have the obvious follow-up question in mind. Why on earth would I write about
these putrid video games if I, like any sane person, wouldn’t touch them with a
pole of exceedingly unreasonable size? Well the answer is, of course, money.
Lots and lots of money. It’s a little known fact that “unknown, anonymous video
game blogger” is one of the most profitable professions in the world, right
above “Popular Celebrity” and right below “CEO” and “Street Performer”. So I
knew that even though I was morally against it, I would have grit my teeth and
purchase some shady cheap labor so that I could make piles of cash off of
pretending to like something on the internet.
Thankfully, it worked! I
earned so much money from these past months blogging that I may have to invent
a new word for how truly rich I am, like Moolahmazing or Wealthtastic. I have
so much cash that I have an actual size model of Scrooge McDuck’s vault, made
entirely of gold and bills with at least 4 zeros, sitting in a corner of my own vault. I wasn’t actually lying
when I said I had my own private island, but it’s literally just the vault, as
there’s no room for anything else. I have so much money my butler’s butler uses
small business owners tied to his feet as shoes. I’m actually running my own
yacht club inside the swimming pool
of my cruise ship. My specialized brand of hair gel is actually a mix of
caviar, liquid gold, and the blood of every major world nation’s leader (they
have to pay tribute of course). My “house” (I loathe to use the term as it’s
more of a principality) is so large that people keep asking me to search for an
ancient, undiscovered tribal society they believe was lost in my flower beds.
And for some reason
strange lizards keep getting into my piggy bank.
I’m pretty rich, is what
I’m saying. This being the case, I no longer need to keep up this paper-thin
charade of not despising video games
any longer. But wait, I hear you reader(s) cry! At the beginning of this
article didn’t you say that you’d be writing more, even on this blog
specifically? Why thank you for your question, theoretical humanoid being! As a
matter of fact I will still be
writing, even for this blog, in the near future. I just won’t be writing about
those vile video games anymore. Since I don’t need money from now on, I’ll be
writing for my own enjoyment, which means the topic of the blog will shift to
my true calling in life.
This being said, I’m
proud to announce that starting soon, http://genericide-blog.blogspot.com/ will
begin redirecting to http://homoerotic-chitonous-insectoid-fanfiction.blogspot.com/!
I know most of you aren’t too surprised by this, as my passion for this subject
has been pretty obvious to anyone taking note of all the subtle cues. To those
who clearly haven’t been paying attention, it’s a well-documented fact that
I’ve been disappointed in the lack of same sex relationships in the Coleopteran
fanfic community of late.
Coleoptera is the type
of insects some of you uncultured racist swine may know as beetles.
I aim to remedy this with
my own writing, and I’m sure most of you are happy to hear I’m finally moving
on. So the next obvious follow-up question would be what specific thing will I
be writing fan fiction about? The answer is all sorts of things, questioning
reader! I will have a colossal cavalcade of carapace-crowned creatures coveting
chitin-covered carnal relations I’ll certainly cater to coming up in the
following months. Though of course I’ll eventually try to cover as many insect-based
bases as possible, I’m planning on starting out with a series starring
Stagberto from Magical Fantastical Insect Girl Delight Forever! . It’s certainly not a controversial choice, as I’m sure you all, like most,
consider it the premiere work in Coleopteran romance anime of our generation.
Some of you may question my choice of Stagberto instead of the more obvious
main protagonist Shelldon,
but I’ve personally never been a fan of how tsundere he is.
As for the supporting
cast (and potential parings of course, because what else is a supporting cast
even for?), they’ll feature all the
established names you’d predict from the Coleopteran community. I’m planning on
featuring Anub’arak early on in the work, and I can say that Pinsir will make an appearance (and so of course Heracross will make one as well, because there’s no way you can only have half of that classic rivalry). I’m thinking I’ll
work Bugzzy in there somewhere because there’s always plenty you can do with the bad boy
angle. But of course, the only ship I absolutely must include is my personal favorite, Anyone X Skeram.
And really, can anyone honestly blame me?
Pictured: The sexiest
thing in the universe.
But of course I don’t
want to tell you too much about the stories to come because it’d spoil the
surprise. However, at the same time I know it would be rude to just leave you
hanging like this. After all I’m sure by now you’re all slavering at the mouth
in anticipation of the juicy (and yet also crunchy)
carapace-laden action that is to come. And after leaving you without updates so
long I feel guilty. So to tide over your no doubt insatiable hunger until I’m
ready to start the fanfic up proper, I’ll leave you with an excerpt from the
piece that occurs later on. Enjoy.
[Warning: The following may be inappropriate for child!]
It was night time, and thus significantly more dark than the day is,
even when it is relatively dark during the day. The stars were visible in the
sky because that is the backdrop upon which stars are normally visible. I
turned away from my window (because I was looking out my window at the stars I
mentioned earlier) and walked across my room. I paused in front of my mirror
and looked at my reflection, the reflection of Stagberto Hornley Shellman
Rodriguez, because that is who I am, in what was suspiciously reminiscent of an
initial establishing character shot. I admired my sexy physique in the
reflection, as it was sexy. My shell shone like a particularly shiny object,
like a wet rock or something, I don’t know. My sexy horns were smooth and
pointed at just the right angle to be more sexily sexy than an excessively sexy
thing, because apparently well pointed horns are a really sexy thing to
Coleopterans. In the middle of admiring my sexy body which was quite sexy, I
heard a knock on my door.
“Who is that who is knocking on my door right now?” I whispered softly,
but in a sexy soft sort of way. From the door on the other side of my room
where someone had knocked, there was no answer. “…who is that who is refraining
to answer me who had previously knocked on the door before my question?” I
inquired softly and sexily, like before but even sexier. The door and whatever
person was on the other side of it remained as silent as they had been before,
which is to say they were exceedingly silent because they hadn’t made any noise
before. “…” I ellipsed broodily, brooding over these troubling and altogether
brood-worthy developments that had just occurred. “…alright, this is your last
chance” I whispered even more sexier than the previous two whispers, like so sexy
that it would have completely blown someone away with its sheer sexiness. Like
if you were to rate these sexy whispers of sexiness on some sort of Sexometer,
the first would rate somewhere around “Pretty Sexy”, and then the second would
have rated around something like “Really
Pretty Sexy”, and then the last would have rated somewhere like “Really Pretty Damn Sexy”. “If you don’t show yourself
by way of opening that door slowly and dramatically within the vicinity of
several seconds of dramatic tension from now,” I said, still in a super sexy
fashion, “then I will come over there and slowly and dramatically open it
myself.”
Several tense and dramatic seconds passed slowly and dramatically. I
was about to walk over and open the door like I said I was going to do earlier
when suddenly and dramatically it creaked. As the door creakily inched open
slowly, it dramatically revealed who was standing, and, by reasonable logical
approximation, the person who had previously been knocking on said door at the
end of the first paragraph. This aforementioned person, who appeared on the
other side of the door, and who was discovered by me at this precise moment,
was revealed to be…
…
…
…!
…Heracross.
Heracross looked at me softly with soft eyes that were softer than silk
assuming silk is actually something that’s pretty soft. I looked back at him
with my eyes because that is what continued vision generally entails. But I did
it sexily. “Heracross…” I whispered at him in my trademarked softsexy tones.
“…why are you here?” I asked, even though I knew why he was here. Bugzzy-chan
had been particularly rough with him at foosball practice earlier today, and of
course Pinsir-senpai couldn’t resist a chance to join in. He looked vulnerable
and frightened, but in a totally sexy type of way.
“…Heracross”, Heracross said.
But I knew that was a lie. “I know that was a lie, Heracross” I said as
I closed the door behind him (he had totally walked into the room while I was
saying that). Heracross blushed, unless blushing isn’t a thing that Coleopterans
can’t do, in which case he did whatever the Coleopteran equivalent of blushing
is. I looked deeply and sexily at Heracross. He looked into my eyes and I
looked into his. I looked into his eyes and he looked into mine. Our eyes generally
looked at each other in a sexy manner, because that is the essential function
of ocular organs (when possessed by particularly sexy individuals, which we
were). The sexy moment was filled with tension and sexy thoughts of sex.
“…Heracross Heracross, Heracross” Heracross said. He always did have a
way with words.
Immediately, I found our proboscises…es (proboscisii?) entangled in
what was probably a good insectile approximation of a sexy kiss. Coleopterans
have proboscises, right? I’m pretty sure they do. Sexy ones. Anyway, as we
sexily entwined our sexy proboscises in a manner that, should it be rated by a
panel of our peers, would be generally agreed upon to be ridiculously sexy, I
looked upon Heracross. I looked over his smooth horn, his sensuous antennae,
and his hard, chitinous exterior, and realized I wanted him. For sex. I wanted
to have sex with him, just so we’re clear on the intent of that statement.
“Heracross,” I said breathlessly, which increased the sexiness factor
of how it sounded by at least 3.5,
“I want to have sexy sex with you. Do you want to have sexy sex with me?”
Heracross stopped, and gave me a deep, sexy look so I could see into the dead
center of his deep, sexy eyes (which were really fairly sexy).
“…Heracross” he said.
And with that, we proceeded to have sexy sex in unnecessarily excessive
quantities. Bathed in moonlight (only not literally, because its light and you
can’t bathe in light, it just means that there was moonlight) from the moon, we
had some of the most downright sextastic sex that two sexy Coleopterans have
ever sexed. There was chitin and other Coleopteran-related body parts sexily
flying all over the place as we sexed intensely and without recourse. We sexed
literally nonstop for the entire night, until the moonlight started to fade
(because the moon wasn’t around to provide light, so the light went away),
because sexing for that long without stopping is a totally realistic thing real
sexy people do during their copious amounts of sexy sex. It was above all
exceedingly, exceptionally, remarkably, outstandingly, abundantly, intensely,
unabashedly, amazingly, fantastically, and all around incredibly sexy.
As we lay in the lack-of-moonlight next to each other in the afterglow
that happens after sexy sex occurs, I looked sexily over at him. I whispered to
him sexsoftily: “…you had me at ‘Heracross’”.
I know your designation is "needlessly verbose," and that can be an annoyance on occasion, but that beetle fan-fic is perhaps the most flagrant display of your ability to willfully disgorge prodigious amounts of unnecessary text ever beheld.
ReplyDeleteBravo.