Neopets. No really.

So it has been a long time since an update as usual but I don’t want to dwell on that because there are only so many self-deprecating jokes I can make in that vein* and you’ll have so many better reasons to make fun of me by the end of this article. I oft wonder what I want to write when posting to this blog. A large part of the sporadic update rate is due to my writing subjects being “whatever I want (so usually video games)”; as this means I only update around “whenever inspiration strikes me, I feel like putting in the work, and I have absolutely nothing else I need to do”. It just so how happens that in the brief lull before the end of my most recent college semester, all three of these requirements have been fulfilled in the form of an idea that is stupid and silly. Fortunately for you viewers, concepts being stupid or silly have absolutely no bearing at all on whether I write about them! Hell, some would say they’re a sign of encouragement. So today I’m gonna’ talk to you about...Neopets.

*Note: This is a lie, I can make self-deprecating jokes on my update rate until hell freezes over. Or better yet, until I actually update again.

Now when I mention Neopets, readers will likely have one of two reactions. The first would say “Neopets? What’s Neopets?”, and the second will be something along the lines of “dude, figgin’...seriously?” I’ll be responding to the reactions of the former type of viewer, because the latter types are big meanies who I totally agree with. So what is/are Neopets? Neopets was a free browser game/site back in the earlier days of the internet where you customized a fictional animal-alike and then “explored” a world of various attractions for said pet, as well as a much more interesting cavalcade of little mini-games. I remember being interested in the site to some degree for a few years as a kid of indeterminate age, and the website’s copyright extends to 1999 so there’s a rather flexible range to work with on when that was.

But due to this, my memories on the website are kind of fuzzy. I’m also curious to find out if the site has changed at all in the years that have passed since I last visited. If it has, then I get to report my findings and perhaps comment on how it’s changed. If it hasn’t, then I get to point and laugh at a 15-year old website for children in front of the rest of the internet, just like the mature nuanced content you’ve come to expect from me. So it’s pretty much win-win. That’s right, we’re going through this retrospective step-by-step. It’s time for me to make a new account on Neopets.

So the site doesn’t seem that different from how I remember it, though my memories are again not particularly clear. The front page does seem to be advertising features that I remember still being around like around a decade ago, so it’s possible this site hasn’t seen super frequent updates in recent years. I wouldn’t exactly be surprised. I go through the usual sign-up song and dance, giving them a name, e-mail and birthdate (I’m surprised there wasn’t an audible sigh from the site when I put that one in).

It should be noted that I didn’t custom add “Insult from Afar” as a greeting. In fact, it was the default that question started on.

Ah, now this is the part I remember about starting an account. There are a wide number of pets to choose from, and even though there are some similar themes and real-world animal inspirations I must say the designs hold up pretty well as being simple but memorable. But of course, those many choices don’t really matter to me, because my favorite was and remains the Shoyru, because it is an adorable dragon. And my inner 12-year will likely hold a death grip on the coolness of dragons for the rest of my life, along with capes, swords, magic, lasers, longcoats, and dinosaurs. Granted there are also two other types of dragon, a dinosaur, and a gryphon so it’s not like there aren’t alternatives for those who aren’t into the fuzzy-wuzzy category, but I stand by my decision.

So I put in some things for those random personality boxes that have absolutely no relevance unless some stranger decides to personally examine your pet for some reason, and am left to decide on a name. After some deliberation I go with “Dargon Von Coolguy” because I am a master wordsmith beyond compare. My account complete, I launch into things and...hello what’s this?

I don’t actually feel this page has changed much since the old days. That being said, I’m actually kind of impressed how well it’s held up. I mean this IS a site from 1999.

This page seems vaguely familiar from the olden days, but I’m fairly certain the tutorial is new. I’m almost positive it contains nothing of worth to me, but for the sake of this article I checked it out.

Ah yes, separate pop-up windows. Okay, maybe this website hasn’t COMPLETELY held up in terms of design.

I’m not going to go through every page of the tutorial, because clearly the time of those who spend their free time reading an anonymous bloggers experiences with an outdated children’s website is a valuable commodity. It essentially details the various things you can do on the site, which are no different from how I remember them (apart from a real-cash shop that I think might be a newer addition). I can explain those as we come across them. I get some starter items for activating my account and find the inventory is exactly as I remember it, pop-up windows and all.

Yes they gave me a certificate just for completing the tutorial. No I am not going to wear it.

I read my starting book to the esteemed Dargon von Coolguy and he proclaims me as his favorite owner. Not a particularly glowing remark towards your only owner but hey, I’m surprised by his eloquence considering his age of 0 hours old. The book then disappears in a puff of smoke, as they usually tend to when you finish reading. I don’t really have a concrete plan of action so I’m basically going to bum around the site as it suits me and report my findings. Let’s start with the customization tab, that sounds interesting...

Oh. Oh I was wroooooong.

Here’s an artifact of old web design that stuck around: needlessly complicating simple actions. Not only does this verbose tutorial seem a bit much for kids of questionable reading comprehension, but there are little user experience bits that aren’t as convenient as we’ve come to expect. Like for example, you can’t just wear items that you have. Instead, you need to take them from your Inventory and put them in your Closet, which is a different Inventory purely for putting things on with no changes beyond this arbitrary distinction. Oh wait, there is the fact that I don’t see any way to remove items from your Closet, which means you can’t sell them afterward. Joy.

Ah, it’s just as I remember it. Tiny flash window and all.

Hitting the explore tab I can see the world of Neopia, the creatively named planet that encompasses the Neopets experience. It’s more or less as it was when I was last using the site. Granted, there are a couple areas (now up to 18, it seems) that weren’t there when I last checked that you can find rotating the globe, but two areas in a decade isn’t exactly a breakneck update pace. Anyway, when you click on any of the 18 areas on the World Map it takes you to said area where there are a variety of locations to click. In Neopia Central (which I’m guessing was the first area in the game), this is mostly shops.

Sometimes the aforementioned areas have paths to other sub-areas, as seen on the left with the bazaar and plaza.

I go to the bazaar and check inside Battle Magic, an old shop I remember from my younger days as being one of the more interesting to me, since it held combat items instead of superfluous fluff items. They have swords for sale, and I don’t have a weapon I know of yet, so I purchase one with some of my starting cash. This game lets you haggle with store purchases, which I admit is a nice touch. I’m not sure exactly how it works, but if you offer too low or too many times they’ll refuse you outright so there is some challenge to getting prices as low below their offer as possible. I remember the combat in this game being disappointingly unsophisticated and difficult enough that it required vast amounts of money and grinding. It remains to be seen if it’s still that way, but only one way to find out.

Well well well, this is new!

The equipment page seems to have gotten an overhaul from what I remember and looks much more official now. I’m given an Obsidian Dagger for free as I look at the page and find I’m able to equip myself with all available items. It’s starting to come back to me now, I seem to recall you could equip multiple items and attack/defend with any of them on a given turn. I don’t remember them having abilities, however. Checking that page I find that higher level abilities, in addition to having a level requirement, require you to pay in something called blessings. The level 1 abilities don’t cost a thing though. I can choose between Static Cling, Halitosis, and Drizzle, none particularly threatening. However, I like the idea of light damage, so I grab Static Cling despite it sounding the least threatening of already unthreatening names.

After choosing to fight single player, I can’t help but notice that the number of combatants hasn’t changed much over the years either. I settle on the level 0 enemy on the lowest difficulty and hit battle.

Oooh, shiny.

Well, the interface and visuals are improved and are much easier to understand now. It seems you can choose two items and one spell per turn, simple enough. Unfortunately the more things change, the more some (shitty) things stay the same. This is the easiest enemy, Punchbag Bob. What I forgot was that he’s the easiest enemy because he doesn’t attack, and yet he exists purely to test your weaponry (something the game doesn’t mention). He has 5000 health. As you can see, I do about 10 damage a turn. Oh no. I try to withdraw from the fight, but if I do it’ll be counted as a loss. Argh. One of Punchbag Bobs phrases is “Why don’t you go pick on someone with weapons!?” I WOULD LOVE TO BOB BUT YOU WON’T LET ME LEAVE.

Alright you son of a bitch, my pride will not let me lose to a god damn immobile punchbag with Groucho Marx glasses. I decide to go full-on montage mode with this shit and put on some internet videos to watch while I go through the strenuous activity of hitting the fight button. Over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. What is my life? And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. How did it come to this? And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. Why am I even doing this? And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. I feel a serious need to reevaluate my life decisions here. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. WHY IS THIS STILL HAPPENING?! And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. STOP! STOP HAPPENING RIGHT THIS INSTANT!! And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. And over. AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And over. And done.

WHAT YEAR IS IT?!

DEAR SWEET GOD. That took 462 ROUNDS! And you know what? Each round it plays a little animation for when you hit. You wanna’ know how long that took in real time? Time spent just clicking the fight button? UPWARDS OF 45 MINUTES. I mean, I had videos on that I was watching in the meantime, so it’s not just like I wasted away but I mean just...wow.

Shut the fuck up, Punchbag Bob.

But okay, I could finally strike the final blow. It’s time to receive my just rewards. What do I get for this titanic bout of patience?

...

...no.

...NO!

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!

50 NEOPOINTS?! 50 FUCKING NEOPOINTS?! WHAT?! NO! NO! THIS ISN’T – NO! YOU GET 2500 NEOPOINTS JUST FOR SIGNING UP! THE SHITTY SWORD I BOUGHT THAT DOES LESS DAMAGE THAN THE STARTING DAGGER COST LIKE 1500!! YOU CAN PLAY ANY ONE OF THE HUNDREDS OF TRIVIAL, COUPLE MINUTE MINI-GAMES PLASTERED ALL OVER THE SITE AND GET HUNDREDS!!! AND THAT’S NOT EVEN THE FASTEST WAY TO GET THEM!!!! THIS ISN’T EVEN A PRIZE!!!!! IT’S AN INSULT!!!!!! I WOULD HAVE PREFERRED THEY SENT A MAN ON MY HOUSE TO SPIT ON MY SHOES!!!!!!! IT’S ACTIVELY WORSE THAN IF THEY HAD GIVEN ME A COMMEMORATIVE ITEM WORTH ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!!!!! IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!! IT’S BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!! IT’S THE GOD DAMN DEFINITIVE MOST TERRIBLE AWFUL HORRIBLE BLOODY STUPID IRRITATING INTOLERABLE HAROJAPGPIJSDOKFAJODAIFHEOJFOSAJDOFIJDOCJOFIDJFOASJDLCKJFPODIAJFPKDSJAAAAAAAAAAA-

...

...okay.

...okay I can deal with this.

*Deep breath*

So there’s actually a lot more interesting stuff on this site beyond...what I just experienced. Mainly to do with one of the things I mentioned in my...previous statement, the vast quantity of mini-games on the site. Some of these actually weren’t bad and I’d like to take some time to talk about them and any other miscellaneous bits of content I still want to speak of. But right now...I think it’d be best to step away for a bit. Lie down maybe. So as silly as it sounds that I’m saying this...I guess I’m saying it:

This is going to be an ongoing series. Come back for more in part 2!

...50 god damn neopoints...