Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Genericide Update: New Staff

Well it’s certainly been a while, hasn’t it? Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll fabricate I mean uh, fabricate something completely unrelated to an explanation of my absence in the usual format, explaining why my extremely overdue attempts at a holiday special were waylaid. But that’s not important right now. What’s important right now is that I tell you of exciting new ground that Genericide Inc. Enterprises LLC Ventures is going to cover! You see, we (me) here at the headquarters (dorm room) were checking the latest statistical information on the blog from down at the lab (I don’t have one of those), and we (still me) discovered a fascinating fact.

This blog doesn’t update very often!

You know, I should’ve asked you to wear some rubber before I dropped that truth bomb, because it would’ve stopped you from being so horribly shocked. So obviously when I uncovered this new and unprecedented nugget of information, I knew I had to take action relatively immediately assuming I had nothing better to do. Unfortunately I didn’t, but before I leapt into a heroic frenzy of update-related activity I decided to think this through for a second. You see, I could update the blog myself, but I was probably embroiled in some kind of cross country adventure to cure myself of a time travel based disease and/or wanted to play Super Smash Bros. So I came to a frankly ingenious revelation: though I needed more updates, I didn’t necessarily have to write those updates!

Bolstered by my bout of brainy brilliance, I immediately took to the internet. Or I would have, were I not already there when thinking about this, and almost all other times besides. All I had to do was find someone willing to write something for me, it didn’t really matter what, on a regular basis for no pay or recognition whatsoever. I was certain that this was a foolproof plan that could in no way backfire catastrophically. I instantly started shouting requests for this anywhere on the internet a text field could be found. I knew it was important to get on this as soon as possible, because in my experience plans work out the best for all involved if you don’t spend any time at all thinking about them. You have to seize the moment before your brain catches wise to your genius and shuts down your plan out of jealousy. I’m pretty sure this policy had always worked out for me before, though of course I didn’t stop to actually think if that was the case because it was the only way to get away with my brilliance. It was the perfect crime really.

Anyway, I soon got a response to my blind, blatant pandering for absolutely any assistance regardless of quality level. It came pretty quickly, proving my methods flawless as usual. When I asked the guy for his name he said he preferred to be referred to as ‘xXsh4d0wg0kukill3rXx’, which I wasn’t sure how to pronounce. It was probably foreign or something, which would no doubt give it an extra layer of mystique and artistry. He said he had a great story to tell on here, or something along those lines. He was kind of hard to understand, but I’m sure he was just getting past his language barrier or something. To be honest, as he was talking to me I was already simultaneously typing this up, starting up my Wii U and serving myself a third congratulatory scoop of chocolate ice cream. Speaking of, I need to get to that so I’m going to leave the blog in his no doubt extremely capable and trustworthy hands. Enjoy!


so okey her is teh deel: i m xXsh4d0wg0kukill3rXx n i have thiss awsom ideea for a sotry n this guyy say i can teel teh sotry her. so i hop u guise liek it cuz its gonnan b awesom as helll. so okey u rdy her is teh chatper titel:

            chapter on: teh leggend off blackclaw doombrigner

ounce up on a tim here wass a guy and who he wass calld is blackclaw dombringer. hhe had a treble backcsotry, fromm when he wass child. it staart liek this: whenn balckclawwas babby hee had parens and his parens die in a tereble aksident, butt teh twist is taht, theey didnt not die beacuase insted thy wear kill by an evivl wizzarrd namned, gondolf teh black who was he was liek gondolf from teh movee lord of ring eccep t wtih black insted of whit. he aws evel for beaucuz he wantt o rule teh wolrd an, kel all teh gud peple with hiss drak maggic butt blacclaw didnt now taht beucaus eh aws babby lol.

so blackclaaw doomrbinger wass babby an teh parens wear ded n tahts when goku finded blakcclaw an goku wash appy beecauz, he saw taht blaacklaw wuz gonnan b supper stronng whenn he is groww, up lol an soo gooku say blackkclaw doombirnger (he now taht blalckclaw wass blackclwas name bcuz hec ood c teh futur withh his suuper sayin sykick powar) i c taht u r becom stronggest worrier in allof teh galaxe n so goku am brigning blaackclaw homet o hiss hows to rise him 2 b teh strontest of theem all n teech him hissecret sayin techneke.

sso goky tranned blaack (i m gunn a clal him just balk froom nowon bcuz blaacclaw is taek long 2 type) untel eh wass begger n stronner n tey war like teh besst budz lol. n thne giku say he bringg balck up 2 him and hee say “blakc evverthing teh lit touchh iss gunna b urs cuz u r liek totolly teh stronggest ( u c is liek teh worrds from loin kingg onl ybetter bcuz gokku is  tottly bettar than mofossa lol). n thne gokku sayy that o noez blacck her is treble upa heed bcuz here r teh bad guise who wrok for gondolf teh block who r her 2 kiill u bcuase u r 2 strongestt 4 themm. n soo goku push blac outof teh wya n blakcc say “no u can die,nooooo n then thee evivl guise uze teh drak maggic 2 explod goku an he wass ded an it killd him (but actual it wass iron becauz giku am die lottsa tiem en teh shaw lol. but thenn so blalck was 2 killl teh bad gus n eh did it wit hhis bear hand bcuz he didnt not evenn hav wepon. n tehy badd guyz where lik o no plz dontt n blcak didnot lissen bcuz hee was withh filled with angrer. then black wwas said “i gotta go know 2 got my revonge n so hee left 2 do taht whiich iss such as teh next chatper lol so it iddnt hapen yet lol.

            chatper 2- teh revonge off blackk (cuz thaats what he call know)

an so thenn balck was 2 b deside 2 go 2 tehy cidy 2 geta wepons for bcuz revonge. hee went to teh secrit undergrond hidout were he wass hiddin his supper powar jett hovor bike thaat hiss parens leftt him and gooku new aboot it butt ididnt told himm aboot it until hhe was die (i forgit too mension iit when hapen lol butt shutt upp lol). he went an he drrive teh supper bike sooooooooo fastand itt was sooo awesom butt blaack didnt not thinkk aboot taht beacuz for he wass inn greave for hee ecksperiense drak passed off parens and gokku who are die. alsso here is what blalck am look liek: he r weaaring alll blackk bcuz is liek allso his naem lol so is coool but the clotheing wass alll cool an hee had a longg coat liek serferoth onlly not gay lolololl.

an so blak went too teh cidy and wass in teh cidy and in teh cidy was were blacc meet shadow (for peple whoo donot now who shadow iss u r 2 LAEM 4 ME LOL butt okey her is whoo he iss hee is liek teh besst guy evar hee wass in thiss gaem and it call shaddow teh hordgehog an is was teh bestt gaem whiich is whyy is inn my naem lol. an shodow wass en the cidy andd when hee c black hee wass imppres an say to balck “u r evin moar powar thaan me an supper stronng n stuf so i well halp u get revonge. i r evivl butt teh cool kindd lol an nott wtih gondolf teh blakc bcuz he is crapmmy stiel”.” an soo blackk went and he was wiht shadoow inn teh basemen an here where alll off shadoww gunss an is was sooooo manny guns was liek infinet gunss timez infinitey lol. butt tehn blackc went and h etry too usee gun butt none off teh gunns wood workk andd so tehn shodowa was liek “”OMGG u brake alll off gunn n also teh gunz desintegrat intoo nothinng an sso itt musst meen u r 2 stronggf or alll off gun!!!”!”!

sshodow new taht thiss was meaan thatt blaack wass chossn on off desstiney. sso he went and he tooked blaalck and they went and werr in teh secrit basemen baseemen lol c it wass leik a basemen undar teh bassman an it wass supperr secrit an shadoww nevar tooked anyon her butt he tooked blacck for beacuze hee wass chossn on. in teh baseemen basemen theer wass wepon andd shodaw hhe say 2 blackk: thise r teh ultimat supper wepon taht r besst in teh univarse n evven i cant nnot usse theem n soo u mustt bcauz u r teh chossen 1 lol.” n soo blacck didd an, he have wepon. supper wepon was here how itt wass: itt wass a chainn andd on they end off teh chan wass a buncch of katannas butt were katannas liek shureken so itt wass liek supper katanna shuruken onn a chan!!!! an was teh bestet wepon in all galax ann was blackss wepon beecuz 4 destiney.

n thenn here where much enemie bad guise whoo come 4 shaadow bcuz he wass not wiht gondolf teh block n gondofl wass evenn moar evivl an so here was manny enemie. blaack fightt all off thee bad guize ann explod themm alll wiht hischain katanna shurikan ann itt wass supper awesom liek rikuu form kigndom heart andd sefreroth ((butr nott gayy verssion) an nighttmar form sool caliburr an otter stuf alll combinedd onlly EVIN MOAR AWESOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1112!!! annd then all they badd guyz were am ded butt in teh battel shoodow wass ded and he wass killd ann blalck wass sad butt ina cool way ann he sayed “NOOOOOOOOOOO”” LIKE in teh drak vadar movee. n noww blackk wass 2 have DAWBLE REVONGEE n hee did will for teh finall chatper butt taht 1 iss not thiss on lol.


okey soo her is teh finalley off teh supper addvantures off teh awesom guyy who iss hee is blackklaw doombirnger!!1! iss a supper loong an awesom chatper in teh sotry soo okey u rdy cuz i r gonnan right it regardles lolol okey so hear it iss:

Hey, xXhowever-you-spell-your-name, I finished enough rounds of Smash Bros. and ice cream that I figured I’d check up to see how things are going. I’m interested to see what you...have...to...hang on a second. Something seems wrong here, but I can’t quite put my finger on it...

o hai dere misster blogmann i r aboot 2 strat teh finall chatper off myaw esom sotry so know taht u r her u cann c it so okey r u rdy?

Um...wait a second; I’m starting to wonder here. Is this...English you’re speaking? I mean I was fairly certain you were foreign before, but this...can we just talk a second before you continue whatever you’ve been writing?

nooooop lol i r rdy write know so amm gonnan strat riting n u cann tlalk att he saem tiem, is a greet pln soo, okey her wwe go:

...I have the slightest suspicion that I have made a terrible mistake.

okey so wen wee lastt leaved off wass teh tiem whenn blackk wass havinng 2 gett his revonge 4 bcuz of gondolf teh blaock (whoo were teh bad guyy)) wass have killd teh parens of blaack an allso what hhe didwas he killd gooku who were liek parens 2 blacck butt nott relly lol an hhe wass ded beacuz teh bad guyz killd him too deathh an allso shaddow teh hodggehog were allso b ded 4 saem reson of gokku.




heheheeh i now iss supper coool sotry write??/

Oh...oh god I...how am I supposed to even comment on this?! This is just...I mean...okay I need to calm down, just calm down. I can make it through this.

okey bloggman soo is cooll taht u r eksited butt i need 2 finissh teh sotry so i r gonnan keep gooing.

Where do I even start on this? How do I even attempt to approach the area generally related to the very start of criticizing this phenomenally unprecedented morass of literary despair?! I mean even in terms of the most basic, the most absolutely elementary conventions of spelling and grammar, the caliber of writing to be expected of the lowest levels of literacy imaginable...I just don’t know what to say. I mean even if I could get past all the spelling and grammar issues to critique what lies beyond, which is like attempting to critique the Nazis on their dress code after skipping past that whole Holocaust thing, there is just...so much. The complete lack of structure, the absolute absence of personality and characterization, the character cameos, oh god the character cameos, and of course there’s the-

heey bloogman.


i am thought u where askk me 2 right u a sotry 4 bloog? u r spaeking alot foor whhen i shood b tellling teh sotry.

Oh. Well you see, at this point I was thinking that maybe we should consider-

i meen iff u wan 2 right ur owwn sotry or whaatever u maaybe b fasster 4 u 2 waait unttil i r doen wiht my sotry.

I...well it’s a bit more complicated than-

allso u r beeing supper unprrofessionall aboot thiss write noow.

I...but you....urgh...sigh. I suppose you have a point. I’ll just have to think of this like ripping off a literary Band-Aid. A Band-Aid covered in acid and fire and terrible, terrible spelling. I...I’ll try to contain myself. Please proceed.

okey so her wee go wtih teh finaal chatper:

blalck wass wanted 2 now were teh badd guy who wass gondolf teh block, andso hhe wass went 2 askk on off teh badd guyz taht eh hadd killd butt nott thiss onee cuz ded peple cant not talk lol. sso teh badd guy wass liek “o noes nott teh kattanna shuruken-

The what?

eckscuuuz me.


soo teh baad guywas leik “ooo noooo dontt not maek mee ded wiht teh katananan sharukan an bllack wass liek “i willl kel u ded withh myy wepon iff u donot telll me were gondolf teh blaack is!!! an” then teh baad guyy say hee tell brock taht gondolf were inn hiss secrit bass andd block were liek were r teh secrit bass an they guuy hhe wass lik teh secrit bass r in spase.




n soo tehn blalk was killd teh guyy evin bcuz hee say ythatt he wass not 2 doo taht 4 beacuas hee were fill withh angrer n draknesss butt teh coool kindd notteh evivl kindd. n tehn blaack hee realeyes taht gondolf he were inn spase an so bllack say hhe said liek “i willl go 2 spase too gett my revonge”” an so theen blakc wentt too spase andd thenn-


u r supper ruud wiht teh intteruppsions, u now taht?

But...but...you can’t just do that! You can’t just say that someone “went” somewhere; it’s not some kind of stopgap phrase. And more importantly you can’t just suddenly have someone be in space! We have no idea how he got there! Not to mention we don’t even know where in space he is and all sorts of other-

r u gonnan lemmee finnish teh sotry orr nott?

Well...I mean-

i m justt gonnan ignoor u unttil teh sotry iss doen.

soo tehn blackwas he wass in spase an he finded teh secrit bass off gondolf teh block lol bcuz ussed hiss sykick powar taht he gotted fromm goky whhen wass childd butt didntt nott usee it unttil noww lol.

You should not be happy to point out flaws in your own storytelling! And the phrase ‘lol’ has no place in formal writing, especially not as some type of weirdly frequent verbal filler! And furthermore-

soo thenn blaack wass atteh secrit bass off gondolf teh blackk n hhe wass theere an alsso hear wass theere was naruto-


aand so theere wass naruto here an narutoo aws saidd: “blaack iss u i know itt wass u becuz evveryperson herd aboot howw u werre teh strongesst. an blackk was liek “: naruto i neeed 2 distroy gondolf 4 beacuz hhe r evivl an he killd alll myy parenss an otherr peple ded n i hav teh fury 4 himm!!! n so naruto wass liek “”yeh okey i willl helpp u bcuz i now u r tehh stronggest n i m nott ass strongh n so ii will halp 4 u 2 gett 2 teh gondolff n soo tehy went an theey were att gondolf n goldonf r say “”so u r her blackk i will kel u know justt liek ur parens!!!”!””1!” n naruto sayy “butt why r u 2 ha vebeen attak blalck?! n then gondollf hes say”:”i uss my sykick wizzarrd powarz off drak maggic 2 knew taht balkc were 2 b teh stronggest n so i r ussing my badd guise 2 kel himm beaucuasze he r been teh onlly 1 whoo can sotp mee!!!!1211@!@!@!”””

n narutto gasp 4 beaaaczuz itt were teh twistt ann thne gondolf wass shot hiss drak maggic n itt killd naruto n narutoo was ded bcuz he wass died 4 bcauz gondolf shoot him n hee wass kiled. n blaack wass liek nooooooooooooooooo” n hee wass sadd 4 bcuz off teh ded naruto taht naruto was bcuz 4 hhe were ded. n tehn gondolf laff an itwas an evivil laff leik whatteh evlil peple were do. n tehn gondolf was liek we musst fighht noww! n tehy did n gondolf were 2 usse hiss drak maggic n blackk wass use hiss chaain kantnanan shrurikon n it were was moar strongg tahn teh drak maggic 4 bcuz it were teh stronggesst n enyway evven iff gondolff were supper evivl hhe stil were jusst leik retardded gay wizzarrd form a laem movee lololoolol.


n soo gondofl wwas explod intto ded n wass killd ded form teh exploosion off teh knatanaa sharkurnen n itt wass explodded n gondolff wass killed dded. n tehn blackk sayed “myy wrok her is doen”” n tehn alll teh bad guizze whoo workked 4 gondolf where ded n tehn prinsess peech n prinsess zeldaa n sammus n tom braider n a bunccha otter hott girllz caem ouut 4 bcuzz tehy werre capturee by gondolf n theey say they where liek “oo blalck u r soooo hott n sexxxy an tehn-


tehn tehy ann blaack maed teh sexx n itwas supper sexxy n all teh girllz wannted moar butt tehn blackk wass liek “i musst go 4 beeaacaus i r stilll 2 emptty innsid 4 bcuz i r am 2 coool 4 lovee”” n soo tehn blaackk lefft alll teh sexxy grills n hee was ridde off itno spase on hiss supper bikke n taht were teh sotry off blackcclaw dooombringegr n taht is teh end of teh sotry lol.


u r supper impresss i cant ell.


lol c i know itt taht u was impresss so okey u cann b teh righter agin.

Okay, so...so what I have to say to you...what I have to say is...

yeh wat issit misster bloggman ddid u wann 2 usse my charractar bcuz itt weree an originnale charectar n u cant nott steall it.

I...no. No that was not what I was going to say.

o okey so r i doen her n cann goo noww?

Well...you know, I suppose that would be for the best. Yes you can go now.



...well then. You know, at this point...I think it’d be best if I just...let things be here. So, uh...



...let’s never speak of this again, okay?

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