Well it’s certainly been
a while, hasn’t it? Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll fabricate I mean uh, fabricate
something completely unrelated to an
explanation of my absence in the usual format, explaining why my
extremely overdue attempts at a holiday special were waylaid. But
that’s not important right now. What’s important right now is that I tell you
of exciting new ground that Genericide Inc. Enterprises LLC Ventures is going to
cover! You see, we (me) here at the headquarters (dorm room) were checking the
latest statistical information on the blog from down at the lab (I don’t have
one of those), and we (still me) discovered a fascinating fact.
This blog doesn’t update
very often!
You know, I should’ve
asked you to wear some rubber before I dropped that truth bomb, because it
would’ve stopped you from being so horribly
shocked. So obviously when I uncovered this new and unprecedented nugget of
information, I knew I had to take action relatively
immediately assuming I had nothing better to do. Unfortunately I didn’t,
but before I leapt into a heroic frenzy of update-related activity I decided to
think this through for a second. You see, I could
update the blog myself, but I was probably embroiled in some kind of cross
country adventure to cure myself of a time travel based disease and/or wanted
to play Super Smash Bros. So I came to a frankly ingenious revelation: though I
needed more updates, I didn’t
necessarily have to write those updates!
Bolstered by my bout of
brainy brilliance, I immediately took to the internet. Or I would have, were I
not already there when thinking about this, and almost all other times besides.
All I had to do was find someone willing to write something for me, it didn’t
really matter what, on a regular basis for no pay or recognition whatsoever. I
was certain that this was a foolproof plan that could in no way backfire
catastrophically. I instantly started shouting requests for this anywhere on
the internet a text field could be found. I knew it was important to get on
this as soon as possible, because in my experience plans work out the best for all involved if you don’t spend
any time at all thinking about them. You have to seize the moment before your
brain catches wise to your genius and shuts down your plan out of jealousy. I’m
pretty sure this policy had always worked out for me before, though of course I
didn’t stop to actually think if that was the case because it was the only way
to get away with my brilliance. It was the perfect crime really.
Anyway, I soon got a
response to my blind, blatant pandering for absolutely any assistance
regardless of quality level. It came pretty quickly, proving my methods
flawless as usual. When I asked the guy for his name he said he preferred to be
referred to as ‘xXsh4d0wg0kukill3rXx’, which I wasn’t sure how to pronounce. It
was probably foreign or something, which would no doubt give it an extra layer
of mystique and artistry. He said he had a great story to tell on here, or
something along those lines. He was kind of hard to understand, but I’m sure he
was just getting past his language barrier or something. To be honest, as he
was talking to me I was already simultaneously typing this up, starting up my
Wii U and serving myself a third congratulatory scoop of chocolate ice cream.
Speaking of, I need to get to that so I’m going to leave the blog in his no
doubt extremely capable and trustworthy hands. Enjoy!
***
so okey her is teh deel:
i m xXsh4d0wg0kukill3rXx n i have thiss awsom ideea for a sotry n this guyy say
i can teel teh sotry her. so i hop u guise liek it cuz its gonnan b awesom as
helll. so okey u rdy her is teh chatper titel:
chapter on: teh leggend off blackclaw doombrigner
ounce up on a tim here
wass a guy and who he wass calld is blackclaw dombringer. hhe had a treble
backcsotry, fromm when he wass child. it staart liek this: whenn balckclawwas
babby hee had parens and his parens die in a tereble aksident, butt teh twist
is taht, theey didnt not die beacuase insted thy wear kill by an evivl wizzarrd
namned, gondolf teh black who was he was liek gondolf from teh movee lord of
ring eccep t wtih black insted of whit. he aws evel for beaucuz he wantt o rule
teh wolrd an, kel all teh gud peple with hiss drak maggic butt blacclaw didnt
now taht beucaus eh aws babby lol.
so blackclaaw doomrbinger
wass babby an teh parens wear ded n tahts when goku finded blakcclaw an goku
wash appy beecauz, he saw taht blaacklaw wuz gonnan b supper stronng whenn he
is groww, up lol an soo gooku say blackkclaw doombirnger (he now taht
blalckclaw wass blackclwas name bcuz hec ood c teh futur withh his suuper sayin
sykick powar) i c taht u r becom stronggest worrier in allof teh galaxe n so
goku am brigning blaackclaw homet o hiss hows to rise him 2 b teh strontest of
theem all n teech him hissecret sayin techneke.
sso goky tranned blaack
(i m gunn a clal him just balk froom nowon bcuz blaacclaw is taek long 2 type)
untel eh wass begger n stronner n tey war like teh besst budz lol. n thne giku
say he bringg balck up 2 him and hee say “blakc evverthing teh lit touchh iss
gunna b urs cuz u r liek totolly teh stronggest ( u c is liek teh worrds from
loin kingg onl ybetter bcuz gokku is
tottly bettar than mofossa lol). n thne gokku sayy that o noez blacck
her is treble upa heed bcuz here r teh bad guise who wrok for gondolf teh block
who r her 2 kiill u bcuase u r 2 strongestt 4 themm. n soo goku push blac outof
teh wya n blakcc say “no u can die,nooooo n then thee evivl guise uze teh drak
maggic 2 explod goku an he wass ded an it killd him (but actual it wass iron
becauz giku am die lottsa tiem en teh shaw lol. but thenn so blalck was 2 killl
teh bad gus n eh did it wit hhis bear hand bcuz he didnt not evenn hav wepon. n
tehy badd guyz where lik o no plz dontt n blcak didnot lissen bcuz hee was
withh filled with angrer. then black wwas said “i gotta go know 2 got my
revonge n so hee left 2 do taht whiich iss such as teh next chatper lol so it
iddnt hapen yet lol.
chatper 2- teh revonge off blackk (cuz thaats what he
call know)
an so thenn balck was 2 b
deside 2 go 2 tehy cidy 2 geta wepons for bcuz revonge. hee went to teh secrit
undergrond hidout were he wass hiddin his supper powar jett hovor bike thaat hiss
parens leftt him and gooku new aboot it butt ididnt told himm aboot it until
hhe was die (i forgit too mension iit when hapen lol butt shutt upp lol). he
went an he drrive teh supper bike sooooooooo fastand itt was sooo awesom butt
blaack didnt not thinkk aboot taht beacuz for he wass inn greave for hee
ecksperiense drak passed off parens and gokku who are die. alsso here is what
blalck am look liek: he r weaaring alll blackk bcuz is liek allso his naem lol
so is coool but the clotheing wass alll cool an hee had a longg coat liek
serferoth onlly not gay lolololl.
an so blak went too teh
cidy and wass in teh cidy and in teh cidy was were blacc meet shadow (for peple
whoo donot now who shadow iss u r 2 LAEM 4 ME LOL butt okey her is whoo he iss
hee is liek teh besst guy evar hee wass in thiss gaem and it call shaddow teh
hordgehog an is was teh bestt gaem whiich is whyy is inn my naem lol. an shodow
wass en the cidy andd when hee c black hee wass imppres an say to balck “u r
evin moar powar thaan me an supper stronng n stuf so i well halp u get revonge.
i r evivl butt teh cool kindd lol an nott wtih gondolf teh blakc bcuz he is
crapmmy stiel”.” an soo blackk went and he was wiht shadoow inn teh basemen an
here where alll off shadoww gunss an is was sooooo manny guns was liek infinet
gunss timez infinitey lol. butt tehn blackc went and h etry too usee gun butt
none off teh gunns wood workk andd so tehn shodowa was liek “”OMGG u brake alll
off gunn n also teh gunz desintegrat intoo nothinng an sso itt musst meen u r 2
stronggf or alll off gun!!!”!”!
sshodow new taht thiss
was meaan thatt blaack wass chossn on off desstiney. sso he went and he tooked
blaalck and they went and werr in teh secrit basemen baseemen lol c it wass
leik a basemen undar teh bassman an it wass supperr secrit an shadoww nevar
tooked anyon her butt he tooked blacck for beacuze hee wass chossn on. in teh
baseemen basemen theer wass wepon andd shodaw hhe say 2 blackk: thise r teh
ultimat supper wepon taht r besst in teh univarse n evven i cant nnot usse
theem n soo u mustt bcauz u r teh chossen 1 lol.” n soo blacck didd an, he have
wepon. supper wepon was here how itt wass: itt wass a chainn andd on they end
off teh chan wass a buncch of katannas butt were katannas liek shureken so itt
wass liek supper katanna shuruken onn a chan!!!! an was teh bestet wepon in all
galax ann was blackss wepon beecuz 4 destiney.
n thenn here where much
enemie bad guise whoo come 4 shaadow bcuz he wass not wiht gondolf teh block n
gondofl wass evenn moar evivl an so here was manny enemie. blaack fightt all
off thee bad guize ann explod themm alll wiht hischain katanna shurikan ann itt
wass supper awesom liek rikuu form kigndom heart andd sefreroth ((butr nott
gayy verssion) an nighttmar form sool caliburr an otter stuf alll combinedd
onlly EVIN MOAR AWESOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1112!!! annd then all they badd guyz were
am ded butt in teh battel shoodow wass ded and he wass killd ann blalck wass
sad butt ina cool way ann he sayed “NOOOOOOOOOOO”” LIKE in teh drak vadar movee.
n noww blackk wass 2 have DAWBLE REVONGEE n hee did will for teh finall chatper
butt taht 1 iss not thiss on lol.
chatper 3three: TEH FINAAL REVONGE OFF BLAAKCLLAW
DOOOMBRINGERR!!!!!!!
okey soo her is teh
finalley off teh supper addvantures off teh awesom guyy who iss hee is
blackklaw doombirnger!!1! iss a supper loong an awesom chatper in teh sotry soo
okey u rdy cuz i r gonnan right it regardles lolol okey so hear it iss:
Hey,
xXhowever-you-spell-your-name, I finished enough rounds of Smash Bros. and ice
cream that I figured I’d check up to see how things are going. I’m interested
to see what you...have...to...hang on a second. Something seems wrong here, but
I can’t quite put my finger on it...
o hai dere misster
blogmann i r aboot 2 strat teh finall chatper off myaw esom sotry so know taht
u r her u cann c it so okey r u rdy?
Um...wait a second; I’m
starting to wonder here. Is this...English you’re speaking? I mean I was fairly
certain you were foreign before, but this...can we just talk a second before
you continue whatever you’ve been writing?
nooooop lol i r rdy write
know so amm gonnan strat riting n u cann tlalk att he saem tiem, is a greet pln
soo, okey her wwe go:
...I have the slightest
suspicion that I have made a terrible mistake.
okey so wen wee lastt
leaved off wass teh tiem whenn blackk wass havinng 2 gett his revonge 4 bcuz of
gondolf teh blaock (whoo were teh bad guyy)) wass have killd teh parens of
blaack an allso what hhe didwas he killd gooku who were liek parens 2 blacck
butt nott relly lol an hhe wass ded beacuz teh bad guyz killd him too deathh an
allso shaddow teh hodggehog were allso b ded 4 saem reson of gokku.
...
...
...OH MY GOD.
heheheeh i now iss supper
coool sotry write??/
Oh...oh god I...how am I supposed to even comment on this?! This is
just...I mean...okay I need to calm down, just calm down. I can make it through
this.
okey bloggman soo is
cooll taht u r eksited butt i need 2 finissh teh sotry so i r gonnan keep
gooing.
Where do I even start on
this? How do I even attempt to approach the area generally related to the very start of criticizing this phenomenally
unprecedented morass of literary despair?!
I mean even in terms of the most basic, the
most absolutely elementary
conventions of spelling and grammar, the caliber of writing to be expected of
the lowest levels of literacy
imaginable...I just don’t know what to
say. I mean even if I could get past all the spelling and grammar issues to
critique what lies beyond, which is like attempting to critique the Nazis on
their dress code after skipping past that whole Holocaust thing, there is just...so much. The complete lack of structure, the absolute absence of
personality and characterization, the character cameos, oh god the character cameos, and of course there’s the-
heey bloogman.
...yes?
i am thought u where askk
me 2 right u a sotry 4 bloog? u r spaeking alot foor whhen i shood b tellling
teh sotry.
Oh. Well you see, at this
point I was thinking that maybe we should consider-
i meen iff u wan 2 right
ur owwn sotry or whaatever u maaybe b fasster 4 u 2 waait unttil i r doen wiht
my sotry.
I...well it’s a bit more
complicated than-
allso u r beeing supper
unprrofessionall aboot thiss write noow.
I...but you....urgh...sigh. I suppose you have a point. I’ll just
have to think of this like ripping off a literary Band-Aid. A Band-Aid covered
in acid and fire and terrible, terrible spelling. I...I’ll try to contain
myself. Please proceed.
okey so her wee go wtih
teh finaal chatper:
blalck wass wanted 2 now
were teh badd guy who wass gondolf teh block, andso hhe wass went 2 askk on off
teh badd guyz taht eh hadd killd butt nott thiss onee cuz ded peple cant not
talk lol. sso teh badd guy wass liek “o noes nott teh kattanna shuruken-
The what?
eckscuuuz me.
Sorry.
soo teh baad guywas leik “ooo
noooo dontt not maek mee ded wiht teh katananan sharukan an bllack wass liek “i
willl kel u ded withh myy wepon iff u donot telll me were gondolf teh blaack
is!!! an” then teh baad guyy say hee tell brock taht gondolf were inn hiss
secrit bass andd block were liek were r teh secrit bass an they guuy hhe wass
lik teh secrit bass r in spase.
Hngggh.
wat?
Nothing.
n soo tehn blalk was
killd teh guyy evin bcuz hee say ythatt he wass not 2 doo taht 4 beacuas hee
were fill withh angrer n draknesss butt teh coool kindd notteh evivl kindd. n
tehn blaack hee realeyes taht gondolf he were inn spase an so bllack say hhe
said liek “i willl go 2 spase too gett my revonge”” an so theen blakc wentt too
spase andd thenn-
WHAT.
u r supper ruud wiht teh
intteruppsions, u now taht?
But...but...you can’t
just do that! You can’t just say that someone “went” somewhere; it’s not some
kind of stopgap phrase. And more importantly you can’t just suddenly have someone be in space! We
have no idea how he got there! Not to mention we don’t even know where in space he is and all sorts of
other-
r u gonnan lemmee finnish
teh sotry orr nott?
Well...I mean-
i m justt gonnan ignoor u
unttil teh sotry iss doen.
soo tehn blackwas he wass
in spase an he finded teh secrit bass off gondolf teh block lol bcuz ussed hiss
sykick powar taht he gotted fromm goky whhen wass childd butt didntt nott usee
it unttil noww lol.
You should not be happy
to point out flaws in your own storytelling! And the phrase ‘lol’ has no place
in formal writing, especially not as some type of weirdly frequent verbal
filler! And furthermore-
soo thenn blaack wass
atteh secrit bass off gondolf teh blackk n hhe wass theere an alsso hear wass
theere was naruto-
WHAT?! NO! WHY?! WHY WOULD THAT EVER BE A THING?! HE HASN’T EVEN BEEN
MENTIONED PRIOR AND-
aand so theere wass
naruto here an narutoo aws saidd: “blaack iss u i know itt wass u becuz
evveryperson herd aboot howw u werre teh strongesst. an blackk was liek “:
naruto i neeed 2 distroy gondolf 4 beacuz hhe r evivl an he killd alll myy
parenss an otherr peple ded n i hav teh fury 4 himm!!! n so naruto wass liek “”yeh
okey i willl helpp u bcuz i now u r tehh stronggest n i m nott ass strongh n so
ii will halp 4 u 2 gett 2 teh gondolff n soo tehy went an theey were att
gondolf n goldonf r say “”so u r her blackk i will kel u know justt liek ur
parens!!!”!””1!” n naruto sayy “butt why r u 2 ha vebeen attak blalck?! n then
gondollf hes say”:”i uss my sykick wizzarrd powarz off drak maggic 2 knew taht
balkc were 2 b teh stronggest n so i r ussing my badd guise 2 kel himm
beaucuasze he r been teh onlly 1 whoo can sotp mee!!!!1211@!@!@!”””
n narutto gasp 4 beaaaczuz
itt were teh twistt ann thne gondolf wass shot hiss drak maggic n itt killd
naruto n narutoo was ded bcuz he wass died 4 bcauz gondolf shoot him n hee wass
kiled. n blaack wass liek nooooooooooooooooo” n hee wass sadd 4 bcuz off teh
ded naruto taht naruto was bcuz 4 hhe were ded. n tehn gondolf laff an itwas an
evivil laff leik whatteh evlil peple were do. n tehn gondolf was liek we musst
fighht noww! n tehy did n gondolf were 2 usse hiss drak maggic n blackk wass
use hiss chaain kantnanan shrurikon n it were was moar strongg tahn teh drak
maggic 4 bcuz it were teh stronggesst n enyway evven iff gondolff were supper
evivl hhe stil were jusst leik retardded gay wizzarrd form a laem movee lololoolol.
NOW YOU HOLD ON JUST ONE MINUTE!
n soo gondofl wwas explod
intto ded n wass killd ded form teh exploosion off teh knatanaa sharkurnen n
itt wass explodded n gondolff wass killed dded. n tehn blackk sayed “myy wrok
her is doen”” n tehn alll teh bad guizze whoo workked 4 gondolf where ded n
tehn prinsess peech n prinsess zeldaa n sammus n tom braider n a bunccha otter
hott girllz caem ouut 4 bcuzz tehy werre capturee by gondolf n theey say they
where liek “oo blalck u r soooo hott n sexxxy an tehn-
OH REAL MATURE YOU-
tehn tehy ann blaack maed
teh sexx n itwas supper sexxy n all teh girllz wannted moar butt tehn blackk
wass liek “i musst go 4 beeaacaus i r stilll 2 emptty innsid 4 bcuz i r am 2
coool 4 lovee”” n soo tehn blaackk lefft alll teh sexxy grills n hee was ridde
off itno spase on hiss supper bikke n taht were teh sotry off blackcclaw
dooombringegr n taht is teh end of teh sotry lol.
...
u r supper impresss i
cant ell.
...wow.
lol c i know itt taht u
was impresss so okey u cann b teh righter agin.
Okay, so...so what I have
to say to you...what I have to say is...
yeh wat issit misster
bloggman ddid u wann 2 usse my charractar bcuz itt weree an originnale
charectar n u cant nott steall it.
I...no. No that was not
what I was going to say.
o okey so r i doen her n
cann goo noww?
Well...you know, I
suppose that would be for the best. Yes you can go now.
kthanxbai.
...
...well then. You know,
at this point...I think it’d be best if I just...let things be here. So, uh...
Readers.
Listen.
...let’s never speak of this again, okay?
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