Friday, October 23, 2015

Oblivion Adventures Part 9: Road Trip

On our last installment of Shush’Ogar’s adventures, he single-handedly stopped an army of vicious demons from destroying what was left of the city of Kvatch. That he was partially to blame for their attack isn’t worth focusing on. We return as he enters the town chapel, hoping to find what he came searching for in the first place...

“Ey! Any of de people here named Martin?!” yelled Shush.

De people inside looked up all surprised at dat, prob’bly cause Shush weren’t not a demon guy. A dark-skinned lady in guard clanky clothes walked up to Shush an de captain Savvy-lion.

“Gods above, I thought I’d never see another friendly face! I don’t know who you are, but-“

“Are you Martin?”

De lady gave Shush a funny look. “Martin isn’t typically a name for women, no. Brother Martin is back near the altar there if you’re looking for him.”

Shush left de confused lookin lady to talk to de captain an walked over to Martin.

“H-hello?” he said as Shush got close. “I head you calling my name, how do you know it?”

“Hey, yeh Shush were lookin for ya. You’re de priesty guy Martin?”

For some reason I’m getting the impression that he’s a priest.

“Yes I’m a priest. Do you need a priest? I don’t think I’ll be much help. I’m having trouble understanding the gods right now.”

“Shush just needed to come get you, cause you’re real important an stuff.”

“Look I appreciate you helping fight those monsters, but if you came to me for help you’re more of a fool than you look. What good could I possibly do in the face of all this?”

“Well see, you’re de son of dat fancy king guy.”

Martin looked at Shush even funnier den de lady did. “I...beg your pardon? You mean the Emperor?”

Shush nodded. “Dat’s de one!” Shush tried to tap his nose when he said dat but missed an hit his eye instead. While Shush were rubbin de eye Martin looked at de ground for a sec.

“Emperor Uriel think he’s my father? No, you must have the wrong man. I’m a priest of Akatosh. My father was a farmer.”

“He wasn’t farmin anything when Shush saw him. He just said a buncha werid stuff about stars an closin de jowels of oblivious or somethin. Shush didn’t catch all of it, but he did send Shush on dis quest to find you before a man in a funny mask jumped outta a wall an smacked im wit a pointy stick.”

Martin scrunched his face up at dat, an rubbed his chin. “You spoke to the Emperor before he died? And he told you to find me?” He studied Shush for a bit as Shush nodded. “Unless it’s an elaborate act, your...personality doesn’t seem the lying type to me. And it’s strange, but somehow I feel you might actually be telling the truth. But what does this mean? What do you want from me?”

“Shush needs to take you to a place called Way-none Prairie. ‘sout near Chorrol.”

“I can’t just leave these people now!”

“Sure ya can, it’s real easy. Shush even killed all de demon guys on de way out.”

“That’s not what I meant. I can’t abandon everyone here until Kvatch is safe.”

Shush sighed. “Are you super duper gonna need dat?”

“I’m afraid I’m sure. ‘Super duper’ sure.”


It were 11 minutes an 42 seconds later, an Shush walked back into de Chapel.

“By the nine!” shouted one of de people left hangin around. “You’re...absolutely COVERED in blood!”

Shush looked down at his body. “Oh. Yeh. Don worry none doe, Shush gots a real easy way to clean his clanky clothes, he’s used to dis.”

“That’s not what I...are you going to be okay?”

“Oh ya, none of de blood are Shush’s.”

Shush walked over to Martin, who was starin wit big eyes.

“All done.”

“Done? What do you mean?”

“Shush are done makin de city safe. Shush smashed up all de demon guys in de whole place.”

“I can’t believe that. Even with your...current attire, it’s too soon.”

Just den a guard stumbled into de door an barfed all over de floor. Den he looked up at Shush. Den he barfed some more again. Den he looked up.

“Ughh...well, the city is clean. Urp. Clean was a bad choice of words. The city is demon free.”

“Where’s the captain?” asked Martin.

“Oh de Savvy-lion guy? He’s mopin back at de castle on account of de count bein dead.”

“I see...”



“Shush thought offa thing.”

“Um...meaning what?”

“Shush thought offa joke thing to do.”


“Okey here it is: Dat guy is down for da count!”

Ha! He’s dead.


“So is you gonna follow Shush to de Way-none Prairie or not?”

“I suppose I have no choice, after all the good you’ve done here. If this is part of some divine plan, I’m still questioning the methods. But I need to see where this takes me. I’ll go with you.”

“Woo!” Shush patted Martin on de back. He winced an started wipin off de blood.

“Road trip!”


“Do you have to pick every flower we pass?”

It were a bit later an Shush was goin down de gold road wit Martin. Dere weren’t much gold on it, cept on dead bandits.

“Yah, Shush are gonna get real gud at alchemicaley an make lotsa helpful po-shuns.”

“I didn’t know you studied alchemy. Aren’t you a warrior?”

“Well Shush are a smashy guy but also lotsa other stuff. Shush are gonna be de best smashy sneaky magey person in all of de land places ever.”

“Hm. Well you’re certainly multi-tasking. But I would think you’d progress faster by focusing your talents.”

“Nah. Shush doesn’t mind if it takes a bit, he are gonna do all de tings until he’s de bestest at all of em.”

“Well do you think you could at least stop plucking plants long enough to watch for bandits?”

“Shush don’t need to watch doe. They let you know when dere dere. Dey do lotsa screamin, ‘shard to miss.”

“I meant watch for them in advance so we can avoid them entirely. You seem to attract a lot of them.”

“Don’t worry Marty, Shush can smash bandits wit one hammer behind dere back.”

“Not sure that’s how it goes.”

“Well Shush can stoppem, which is gud cause he never sees em comin from far away. Shush tinks dey fly in from de sky when he gets close.”


“Oh hey, not a bandit. Dat’s new!”

Maybe he’s friendly?

“Augh! Shush help!”

*BzzzZZAP* *Shink*!

“Why didn’t you help me?”

“Oh! Sorry, Shush wanted to see you do dat jumpy zap ting.”

So fun fact about Oblivion: The way bodies fall is physics based. This can be quite fun at times. However, if you hit someone with a damage-over-time spell and kill them with a weapon while it’s active, something about these forces combines to make the target pop up several feet in the air. I don’t mind this so much, as it’s amusing. But it’s odd that the one place I see it happen the most often is from escorting the most important non-player character in the entire game. You’d think they wouldn’t want to showcase that.

Martin seemed all grumpy for some reason, so de two of us walked without speakin words for a bit. A couple bandits later, Martin spoke to Shush again.

“So how did you get wrapped up in all this anyway? How did you meet the emperor?”

“Oh Shush met de fancy man on account of bein in jail.”


“Don worry, Shush didn’t do no real bad stuff or nothin. Shush were just practicin his sneakin, and den some guy got all upset about it.”


“Also Shush might have slammed his face in a wall.”

“Let’s back up so I can get this straight...what does you being in jail have to do with the emperor?”

“Well de fancy man an some guard people needed to use de back door in Shush’s jail room. Shush woulda used it earlier but he didn’t know dey had dose here.”

“A picture is beginning to form. But why did he trust you with finding me?”

“Shush don’t know dat one. Shush told you dat he wasn’t listenin much to wot de fancy man said about stars an dusty knees or whatever. Shush s’pose he are just very person-able.”

Martin were quiet for a bit after dat. He looked like he were thinkin bout stuff. A few wolf attacks later an we reached de next town, Skin-guard. When Shush started to head inside Martin started talkin again.

“Listen, I know you’re probably tired, but I prefer we don’t stop and rest until we get to the priory. You saw what happened at Kvatch, I don’t want to stay in one place long.”

“Oh Shush won’t be long, and he don’t need to do de sleepin neither. Shush just wanna do some errands while we is here.”



“Hello magey peoples!”

He had Martin read the sign for him, if you’re wondering.

Shush waved as he an Martin walked into de magey guild. De people looked surprised to see Shush, but dat was normal. Shush were just a pleasantly surprisin guy. Also dere was all de bandit blood.

“Okey so Shush are gonna ask your leader magey person for one a dem wreck-o-men-day-shuns but first Shush needs to do a ting. Stay here a sec Marty.”

Martin tried to say a thing but Shush were already checkin all de shelves for dat fancy alchemicalial stuff like wot was in de other guild. After Shush had two big armfuls of de stuff he walked up to one of de magey people.

“D’you have a place for Shush to sell dis buncha alchemechale bottles n stuff?”

“Uhh, I don’t think so...there’s an alchemist shop across the street, but do you have permission to-“


So den Shush walked back de way he came an out de door to de other side of de street. Shush passed by Martin on de way an he looked real confused, prob’bly cause he didn’t understand fancy mage stuff like Shush did. De owlchemy shop guy seemed confused too but dat was okay, not every person could be a super smart magic guy like Shush were. After Shush had a big bag fulla shiny new coins he went back to de magey guild. When Shush entered de buildin a lady mage walked over to him.

“You there! I heard someone could be causing trouble and as the head of the Skingrad Mage’s Guild I must inform you-“

“Oh hey, you’re de top magey person here? Great! Shush wants one of dose reek-o-mend-actions.”

“E-excuse me?”

“Shush needs to get all de recommendy tings to be de bestest mage person at de fancy mage school. Shush already got de one in de coast town place but he needs one here.”

“Oh, you’re a new recruit in search of recommendation? So that’s what this is all about. Well, I’m rather busy at the moment, but...perhaps there’s something you can do for me. There’s an associate here by the name of Erthor, and I don’t have time to search for him. I need to consult him about some notes he borrowed, so you’ll have to find him. You might want to ask around and gather information from others about where he could’ve gone.”

“ ‘kay.”

Shush turned to dis old guy walkin next to de lady mage an said “Hey! D’you know where de Earth-or guy is?”

“Er...probably Bleak Flats Cave?”

“ ‘kay.”

Den Shush turned around an walked past Martin out de door. Martin must’ve been doin a big yawn cause his mouth wouldn’t close. After a second he followed Shush.


“I’m going to have to object again about doing this now. I still don’t know how I can help, but a demonic invasion should out-prioritize doing chores for a mage.”

Martin was sayin dat while Shush was pickin some weird colored flowery tings. Shush already found de cave, but he was sure whatever dese tings were, dey were prob’bly real gud for like, super cool alchemoogle stuff.

“Well Shush didn’t know when he would be comin back to dis Skin-guard place. Sides, dis won’t take real long. ‘sjust a magey guild quest.”

“Yes, and here I thought getting into the Arcane University required years of supervised practice and careful study.”

“Nope! Jus gotta find a guy in a cave. Meybe smash a ting or two.”

Martin sighed. He seemed a little disappointed bout somethin meybe? Shush s’posed dat he might still be sad dat his city got all blowed up. Dat was kinda a bummer. Once Shush were all done wit de plants, dey opened de door to de cave an headed inside.

Shush wasn’t sure why all de rocky caves had wood doors, but dere was prob’bly a real gud reason.

“Ugh, dis is one of dose real dark underground caves, huh?”

“Wouldn’t all caves be like that?”

“Well usually dere’s glowy crystals or stuff. Hang on, Shush needs ta find a torch.”

“Don’t you have about fifty of them in your pack?”

“Yeah but dose are under all de skulls. Dere’s usually barrels or crates wit torches in dis one here! Lemme get it open.”


“Hang on Marty, havin trouble open dis ting.” Shush shook de crate some more an scraped de lid a bit, but it wasn’t workin.

“Um, Shush-“

“Sorry, dis ting is kinda stuck.”


“Break it! Gud idea, Marty.” Den Shush smashed de side of de crate an some torches came tumblin out. Shush grabbed one of de mostly not-splinters ones an got a little spark of fire to light it up.


“Wot?” Shush turned around.


An den dere was a zombie dere, in front of Shush.



“Hey mister zombie! Could you hold dis for a sec?” Shush gave de zombie his torch. De zombie looked at it.



Martin jumped back an yelped as de top half of de zombie went flyin off to de side, separate from de bottom and trailin entrails.

“Shush needs both hands for his hammer.”

Shush caught de torch on its way back down. Den he shook de hand offa it.

“You want a torch too, Marty?”

“N-no, that’s, uh, fine. How about you take the lead though.”

“ ‘kay.”

Shush went further into de cave wit Martin follwin a ways behind. It was like most caves Shush had seen before. Dark, damp, smelly, an filled wit undead monsters tryin to murder Shush. Dose last two might have somethin ta do wit each other.

No wait, he’s got green spots. Green tings usually smell gud.

After a bit of smashin we got to de brown-haired elf guy we were s’posed to be lookin for. He seemed real surprised to find someone else in de cave.

“ did you get in here? Are those horrible creatures gone? I’m not going anywhere until they are!”

“De zombies? Yeah, Shush smashed all of em on de way in.”

“You’re lying! I can tell there are still more of those horrible things in here somewhere!”

“Shush is pretty sure he did de smashin right. How can you tell dere’s still more if you is sittin in dis room?”

“I absolutely hate zombies! I hate them so much I can sense when they’re nearby, by hearing combat music in my head.”

“Oh. Dat’s fair.”

So Shush went back into de cave an de elf was right, dere was another zombie hidin in a corner. Shush added another hole to his body. In his head. On account of Shush smashed his head in. Den he went back to de elf.

“All done, for really dis time, now will you come wit Shush back to de magey guild?”

“Oh thank you so much! Of course I’ll travel back to the guild with you, it seems far safer that way.”

Shush headed back out of de cave wit Martin an de elf guy. Dere wasn’t much interestin dat happened on de way back to Skin-guard, doe Shush heard his friends mutterin stuff behind him.

“Um...does he always do this?”

“The flower thing? Unfortunately, yes.”

“I wouldn’t have expected this from someone who just cracked apart seven zombies.”

“Well, he’s an...unconventional individual.”

“Also, I think he’s still got a bit of, er, what looks to be brain stuck to his armor. Should we tell him?”

“Don’t see why. He could use it.”

When we got back to de magey guild Hearth-whore was real happy bout it. De lady mage seemed less happy, but she agreed to give Shush one a dose regiment-hay-shins anyway.

“Alright, can we get back on the road to the priory now?” said Martin as we was leavin de guild.

“Just one more ting before we go.”

“Really? Can’t we just get going already?”

“Shush’ll be quick. Shush just needs ta drop off dese glowy plants wit dis guy at de inn. D’you want a drink while we’s here?”

“Shush, we’re running from an army of otherworldly demons. Besides, I’m a priest, we’re not big drinkers. How much longer do we have to go until we reach the priory, anyway?”

Shush did some think numbers in his brain place. “Well, if Shush are rememberin tings right, den gud news! Dis town is almost a whole half way dere!”

Martin put a hand over his eyes. “On second thought, a drink sounds like a good idea.”

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