Thursday, January 7, 2016

Oblivion Adventures Part 14: Future Plight

When we last left our stalwart hero, he-

Shush are so excited!

Er. What?

Shush are real real excited!

Okay, yeah, I got that. You’re not on yet though, give me a second.

Oh, okay.

Right. So as I was saying, last time we saw Shush’Ogar-


Would you stop that! Shush did some quest for a crazy person or something, whatever! That’ll have to be good enough, since you won’t shut up. Now you can-

Okey so Shush are real excited on account of a great ting dat is about to happen which is Shush are gonna get his last mage-y rigging-mount-daze-on! Shush checked his countin a whole buncha times an dis town place he was goin to were de last one in Cyrodil dat he had ta visit! After dis Shush will get into de fancy mage school in da city an dey will teach Shush all sortsa cool magicky tings an den Shush is gonna be de most bestest at spells in de whole Mundus!

All Shush has gotta do is head inside dis buildin!

Blah blah usual compliment that the towns have varied architecture, blah.

“Hey guys! Shush are here for mage-y trainin!”

“Uh...this is the fighter’s guild.”


All Shush has gotta do is head inside dis buildin!

So does this mean I have to compliment the architecture again?

“Hey guys! Shush are here for mage trainin!”

“How convenient! This is the mage’s guild, well known for training mages!”

Shush walked up to de nord lady wot said dat an waved. “Hey dere. Shush are lookin for one of dose regulate-may-nuns.”

De lady’s smile stayed in place for a bit, but den she rose her eyebrows. “Oh! You mean you need a recommendation?”

“Dat’s wot Shush said, yeah.”

“Ah, well...the person who could write you one is Dagail, but...”

“Where can Shush find dat person?”

“In the room at the top of those stairs, but I must warn you-“

“Okey gotcha see ya later!”

Shush walked past de lady an up de stairs. Dere was strange noises comin from de room at de top. Shush opened de door an saw a bunch of stuff thrown all over de floor. De bed was on its side an dere were blankets over it in a little fort. An old elf lady popped out from behind de bed an threw some books an a pair of calipers at Shush. Den she crouched behind de bed again.

“Ha! Direct hit! That’ll show you, filthy imperial! We’ll protect Ulfric from your assault yet!”

“Uh...kay. Shush were here to ask-“

De lady threw a bowl of apples at Shush. Shush picked one up an took a bite.

“Thanks, Shush were kinda hungry. But Shush still gots a question.”

“I’ll not bow to your wretched interrogation techniques, Thalmor dog!”

“Shush aren’t a dog, Shush are an orc.”

“A likely story! That’s just what you want me to think! And I think that you’d think of a better way of getting me to think what you’re thinking! I think! Actually I’m not sure what I’m saying, but piss on you!”

“E-excuse me, Dagail?” came a voice from de lady downstairs. “It’s tea time, when you’re ready to come down.”

“Do not try and tempt from my post, foul temptress! Not even Alves’ homemade biscuits can draw me from this spot until the battle is won!”

De old elf lady turned back to Shush. “Why are you still here, imperial scum?!”

“Shush told you, Shush are not any of dose tings. Shush are here for a regal-mint-day-pun.”

“A recommendation? Why didn’t you say so!” De lady jumped up from behind de bed an pulled off de curtains dat she’d been usin as a cloak.

Thought the faces couldn’t get any more awkward? Well here’s an aged potato head on the top of a twenty-something supermodel.

If I could make a quick interjection, let me just say this quest isn’t nearly as fun in the real game. Dagail is more stable in the genuine article, and instead they try to make her sound crazy with vague prophecy-speak. But both her ramblings when you meet her and those after she’s sane again are all the most dull, uninteresting type of premonition. You know, the kind where you just make a bunch of vague statements in broken syntax and a breathy voice. There’s no actual substance to them, because this is an open world game where the player could do anything they want.

I feel this is a wasted opportunity though. They could’ve had her allude to some unexpected twist that happened at the end of the quest. Alternatively she could predict a random event that is only triggered to occur sometime after you complete the quest. At the very least, she could use some personality, unique speech patterns, just SOMETHING. As it stands, this is simply a bog-standard “go to a dungeon and beat up dudes” affair.

“Let’s take a look at you...ah yes...” De elf lady walked forward an started squintin at Shush. “I sense something about you...something great and powerful. Ahhh. You have an important role to fill. Destiny clogs the air around you, a suffocating cloud of the stuff. Just jam-packed full of destiny, yes you are. Your daily dose of destiny in every bite. I’m left with only one conclusion.”

“You must be...the Nerevarine!”

“Shush doesn’t know what dat is.”

“Oh. are...the Dragonborn?”

“Shush doesn’t know what dat is either.”

“You could be, uh, who could you’re not a cliff racer, are you?”

“Shush doesn’t-“

“No you’re right. Your wingspan is far too short. Blast these voices! If they would cease their constant moaning I could get it right!”

Shush stopped an listened for de voices dat de lady were talkin about. Dere was just de tinklin of tea cups downstairs.

“Are you hearin voices? Shush doesn’t hear any.”

“Well of course YOU don’t hear them, they’re MY voices! Banging around my skull, never stopping their endless chattering, augh. If only someone could...wait, that’s it! Listen here, imperial dog-scum, I have a task for you!”

“Oh, dat’s gud, Shush was wonderin when you’d get to dat.”

“You must go to Agata downstairs and figure out how to fix my problem! It is your destiny or whatever!”

“Uh, okay. An who is de Agata person?”

“The young blonde nord, now leave me be! I need to reinforce this parapet if I’m to win this battle before they use up all the sugar cubes!”

De old elf lady went back to de pillow fort, an Shush decided to head back down. Shush had seen lots more crazy people den he wanted lately. Shush didn’t like crazy people. Shush hoped he didn’t have to meet many more.

“Hello” said de nord lady when Shush reached de bottom of de stairs. She put down her tea cup. “Sounds like Dagail is still being...difficult, hm?”

“She said dat you could tell Shush how to help her?”

“She did? Huh. Well, I can see why she’d want help, but I don’t know much more than you. Dagail has powers of prophecy, you see. She can see visions of the future. Unfortunately, she can’t control them without her amulet. It was recently lost, and no one knows where it went.”

“Pah! For the best if you ask me.” Shush turned towards de voice an saw a dark-haired guy on de other end of the table. He sneered at Shush as he dumped a big handful of sugar cubes into his cup.

Gee, he sure looks friendly.

“Kalthar,” said de nord lady, “your opinions on Dagail have been made clear already. No need to repeat them to everyone who walks in our door.”

“And why shouldn’t I?” de guy said, poundin his fist on de table. “People deserve to know what a disgrace of a guild master we have. Maybe then something will actually be done about it!”

“Wot is de ugly guy saying?”

“Oh, so we’re on petty insults now?! That’s just typical, isn’t it? The necromancers, even reformed ones, are always the easy targets! Sure, Dagail and her crazed “visions” are perfectly fine. So what if she throws furniture at anyone who gets near her? So what if she shoves her pet cat in her wardrobe until someone lets her out?”

“She thought she was sending a khajiit on a mission through an Oblivion portal” said de nord lady.

“And the crazy old bat can do all that and more and you’ll still line up to kiss her boots! Then you have someone like her father. Works hard in service to the empire all his life and not even a tombstone over his head!”

“Her father? What are you talking about, Kalthar?”

“W-what? Nothing. Nothing at all! Hmph. If you’ll excuse me...”

De grumpy lookin guy walked outta de room. Den he came back, scooped up a handful of sugar cubes, an left again.

“Hm...that’s interesting” said de nord lady. “I’d never heard about Dagail’s father before. Maybe you should go back up and ask her about it?”

“Does Shush have to?”

“If you want that recommendation, yes.”

Shush were about to head back upstairs when he heard someone comin down instead. De old lady walked over an sat at de table.

“Ah, hello there” she said. “I see the Greybeards have prepared a marvelous feast for the peace council. Pass the roast duck, please!”

De nord lady blinked. She reached over to the tea kettle an passed it to de old elf.

“Hey, Shush has a question for you.”

De old lady looked at Shush as she started takin off her shoe. “You’re awfully inquisitive for a cliff racer, but ask away.”

“Did your father meybe have someting ta do wit de shiny stone you lost?”

De old lady paused. “Father, father, stone...stone? Yes. Fort Blueblood. Toodles!”

Den she poured some tea in her shoe, stood up an walked back upstairs.

“Well that was...strangely direct” said de nord lady. “There’s actually a place called Fort Blueblood not far from here. Perhaps if you go there-“

“Gotcha! Don’t worry, Shush is gud at dis part!”


Fort Blueblood is notable for looking exactly like every other fort. Er, wait. Not notable. The other thing.

Sharktooth Jackson was having a good day. He was currently counting out the gold coins from the last traveler they’d run into. Since said traveler came down with a bad case of homesick brain, they figured they wouldn’t be needing them anymore.

“Ey Sharktooth! Yer slower than me gram at the checkout aisle! What’s the haul already?”

Jackson turned to face his fellow imperial coworker, Switchblade Sam. His necklace of shark teeth jangled as he did.

They weren’t the best at names.

“Just a mo’ Sam. Anyone ever tell ya you got the patience of a slaughterfish?”

“An you got the face of a sload, what’s it to ya?”

Jackson grunted, going back to counting the coins. “Is Ebthar still, ah, examinin the corpse?”

“Oh he’s examinin all right. I can still here his lips smackin from here.”

“Bloody bosmer. Remind me to never sleep next to him when he’s hungry.”

Jackson and Sam sat in silence for a minute. The only sound was the soft clink of coins as Jackson passed them through his hands, plus a barely audible thump as some were “accidentally” dropped into the bushes where he could retrieve them later. Suddenly, the rustling of leaves and clacking of armor could be heard just within earshot. Jackson got up carefully, placing the gold down next to his pack and motioning to Ebthar and Sam, who was already getting up. They waited by the stone archway as the sounds got closer, until Jackson finally gave the signal.

“AHA! Well what do we have heeeeaaaaaah. Ah boy.”

Standing in front of Jackson was one of the biggest, orangest orcs he’d ever seen. He was outfitted top to bottom in plates of heavy steel armor. His jaw was like a spearhead and his hair was in a bright purple topknot. He was also carrying a bouquet of miscellaneous flowers in one hand. He waved.

“Hey dere. Shush are lookin for Fort Blueblood. Is dis dat?”

Jackson regained his composure and cleared his throat. “Uh, well, ah. Yes. This is Fort Blueblood.”

“Great!” The orc started to step forward.

“But!” said Jackson, raising his weapon as his companions followed suit. “I’m afraid that me and my crew own this place now. It belongs to us marauders!”

“Marauders?” said the orc. “Wot kinda people is marauders?”

“Eh? C’mon, you know...marauders. We go around and,” Jackson gesticulated vaguely with his free hand, “maraude.”

The orc still looked confused.

“Y’know, general acts of violence” volunteered Sam. “Murder, pillaging, impromptu non-consensual lobotomies and the like.”

“Plus a spot of thievery and extortion on the side” said Jackson.

“Can’t forget the kidnapping or the coercion. Plus there’s muggings and larceny.”

“Pickpocketing and strong-arming.”

“Scams and scandals.”

“Drug farming and smuggling.”

“Slaving, forgery and tax-dodging.”

“Insurance fraud, jaywalking and assorted wrongdoing.”

“Then there’s skullduggery, of course.”

“Well obviously have to mention skullduggery, ‘sa cornerstone of the whole business, that is.”

“And casual cannibalism!” said Ebthar enthusiastically.

Jackson raised a finger in protest. “Now THAT one is just you.”

The orc rubbed his chin, still looking confused. After a second his face lit up.

“Oh! So wot you guys is sayin is dat you is all bad guys?”

“Ha! You bet your bottom septim we’re bad guys, and-“


Jackson blinked. There’d been a really strong breeze and now the orc wasn’t standing in front of him anymore. His sword felt a lot lighter all of a sudden, too. He looked down. Hm. He was pretty sure he’d had at least one more arm the last he checked. Also one more CHEST.



So Shush had finally reached de end of Fort Blueblood. Dere were a lotta bad guys in de way but Shush had used his hammer to make dem not in de way anymore. De last room was filled wit mostly dirt an some coffins. Shush opened up de coffins an found some neat skulls for his collection. Dere was also a shiny stone onna string dat was prob’bly de ting dat de crazy lady wanted. Shush picked dat up and turned around to walk out when he ran straight into someone.

“Oof!” yelled de guy as he falled over. Shush squinted an saw it was de grumpy guy from de mage-y guild.

As seen here looking very cheerful and non-suspicious.

“Hey, wot are you doin here?” Shush asked.

“I, uh, me?” said de guy as he got up. “W-well, I, er, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I mean, um...that is...hey, can I ask you a question?”

“Sure grumpy guy, wot’s de question?”

“Um...” De grumpy guy did a loud gulp. “C-could you...turn around for a second?”

“Oh okay, sure.”


Shush turned back around. De grumpy guy was standin dere wit a knife.

“Hey grumpy guy, do you know wot dat noise was? It sounded like a pebble fell on Shush’s armor or someting.”

De grumpy guy stared at Shush for a moment, his face all freezed up.

“ No I have no idea what that noise was. Could you turn around again?”

“Shush guess so.”


Shush turned around again, an de grumpy guy was still standin dere an still holdin up his knife. De knife seemed a little bent for some reason.

“Dere dat sound goes again! Hm, wot could it be?” Shush rubbed his chin. “Dis is quite da mystery.”

De grumpy man stepped backwards a few times, lookin all nervous.

“D-don’t you mock me! I’m the one in the right here, my actions are perfectly justified! So what if I took the old crone’s amulet? She had no business leading us, it was for the best! Especially since she unjustly received more recognition than her father. He was ten times the mage she was, but just because he did a TINY bit of malicious necromancy suddenly he’s not fit to be mentioned in the guild!”

De grumpy guy tossed his bent dagger on de ground an started formin a fireball in his hand.

“And you just had to get involved in this, didn’t you?! Well now you leave me no choice. I’ll have to make sure you never tell anyone of this!”

“Now hang on” said Shush. “Dis is startin to sound like you is a bad guy.”

“Well maybe I am a bad guy! So what?! I-“




“Thank you so much for retrieving my amulet!”

Shush had made it back to de mage-y guild an had just given de shiny stone onna string back to de old elf lady. As she got up from behind de bed an started puttin things back on shelves, she spoke to Shush again.

“It’s a shame about Kalthar, but you did the right thing. Now, I’ll give you my recommendation-“


“-but first...”


“Oh don’t worry, this won’t take long. Just indulge an old woman her curiosity and let me try and see your future.”

De elf walked up an squinted at Shush’s face for a minute. Den she started mumblin.

“I see...a vast horde of riches. But ominously, it’s encircled by towering piles of skulls...

“I see...a sunless land of ash and fire. It’s bleak and desolate, illuminated only by roiling rivers of lava and stark pillars of lightning...I’m seeing that same place a lot, actually. Or maybe it isn’t the same place? It’s hard to tell, it all looks very similar...”

“I’m sorry, my vision must be on the fritz. It’s like it’s displaying the same art assets over and over or something.”

“I see...a betrayal of trust. No, two betrayals, actually...a LOT of betrayals. Like an unreasonably high amount of betrayals going on here...”

“I see...a mysterious visitor of unknown intent but foreboding demeanor...he’s standing by a bed, it seems...”

“I see...oh no, could it be? I pray my sight fails me, but it seems like it might really be...the KING OF – wait. Was that it? Huh, that was fast...”

“I word...what could be the very lord of a daedric realm...or is it two of them...? At any rate, their machinations are shrouded in waves of fire and madness. I cannot foresee specifics...”

“And finally, I astonishing, truly incredible amount...of dead mudcrabs.”

De old lady sighed an closed her eyes for a minute.

“I wish I could be more specific, but control over my visions comes at the cost of clouding them. At any rate, you have done well. I’ll write your recommendation to the guild right away.”


Shush jumped down de stairs an ran out de door. Shush thinked he heard de hinges fall off when he ran past, but Shush wasn’t gonna turn around an check. When Shush got outside de town, he squinted out toward where de big city was. Shush aimed himself straight at de big tower stickin out on de horizon, an crouched down. Den Shush started running.

An Shush weren’t gonna stop for any flowers dis time.

Next time, on Oblivion Adventures: OH GOD WHY IS THIS GAME SO BROKEN?!

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