Posted by 4LornTri4ce at 2:47AM:
It has come to my attention that the collection of slack-jawed
ignoramuses known as the human race are even more incompetent than I first
suspected. I've scoured the internet for articles on The Legend of Zelda:
Breath of the Wild, and found them on all manner of inane subject matter.
Reviews, walkthroughs, retrospectives, confirmation that the cartridge works…all
sorts of completely useless
information! I trudged through this morass of infantile garbage and found not
one, not one post that bothered to
talk about what's really important.
Why is no talking about the BREATHS in Breath of the Wild?!
Seriously, what is WITH you herd of glue-munchers?! Am I the problem
here? (Hint: I'm not). Have I wandered into some parallel dimension where free
lobotomies are given out at birth?! Anyone with two sub-atomic particles
clattering together in the vacuum behind their eyes should realize what an essential part of the gaming experience
this is. Fortunately for all you addle-pated internet bottom feeders, I am benevolent
as I am eloquent. I have therefore taken it upon myself to rank the most notable
instances of breathing in Breath of the Wild. I know you cretins will never
understand how blessed you are to be enriched by my wisdom, but feel free to
thank me anyway. You ungrateful swine.
10. Low Stamina Breaths
Link performs a large number of breath-inducing activities in Breath of
the Wild, all of them so insultingly perfunctory they didn't make this list.
Breaths after eating are understated and unimpressive, breaths from heatstroke
have you hang your stupid mouth open in one position, and breaths after diving
haven't improved since Ocarina of Time in 1998. Don't get me started on breaths
from damage, which often don't even have the decency to time their mouth flaps correctly.
Of all these animations the least likely to induce aneurysms is the low stamina
breathing, which conveys something approximating
a humanoid figure gasping for oxygen. It's the bottom of the list though,
because I'm not the kind of drool-stained degenerate who can't even tell the
difference between clavicular and diaphragmatic breathing. If you're one such
moron I encourage you to either get the hell off my blog or read a fucking
book.
9. Bolson Mid-Construction Breaths
Further proving the bottom of this list is the absolute dregs, we have
the noises Bolson construction workers make when building for your house. Let
me make one thing clear: Vocal exclamations aren't breathing. I want to vomit
whenever my more stupid commenters try to claim Link's "HYAH" should
be counted as breathing of all things.
And rest assured, I died a little inside allowing such exclamatory noises on
the list. However, these sounds are obviously meant to be abstractions for
physical exertion, which fall more comfortably under a reasonable human being's
definition of breathing. Furthermore, the noises in question make an appearance
in the Tarrey Town Wedding Theme,
a bone thrown to us starving fans of breathing-based music. It of course isn’t
even in the same league as classics
like Mines of Narshe,
but even this minuscule song cameo makes it superior to the auditory train-wreck
they play on the radio these days.
8. Molduga Vulnerable Breath
The main advantage of putting giant monsters in your video game is the
ability to put more detail into their breathing animations. Despite this
obvious strength, far too many howling monkeys play acting as game designers
waste their animation budget on pointless drivel like extra attacks and
movement. The sand-burrowing Molduga is treated with similar negligence, most of
the time. Yet it seems one bulb lit up in the oppressively dark abyss that was
the animator's train of thought, because they did make a concession to the correct allocation of resources. When
the Molduga is unearthed from the sands and made vulnerable, they gave it an
actual breathing animation. There's a rise and fall of its massive stomach and
a slight inhale and exhale on its gaping maw. The lack of sound effect makes
this a putrid display for true breathing connoisseurs, but it's still above the
dumpster fire I've come to expect.
7. Cold Air Breaths
Despite making the list, I don't want to disillusion anyone by implying
Nintendo has actually done something special
here. It merely must be said that they did their due diligence for once instead
of spending their days chewing on stuffed Pikmin dolls and shitting themselves.
As much as it disgusts me that I must congratulate visual breath effects on
characters in cold climates, gaming has set this bar so horrifically low that
it's actually uncommon. Although did you know, they included the breath effect
for Link, NPCs and horses…but not monsters? I mean really, are we expected to believe that bokoblins don't BREATHE?
Nintendo I know you're listening, and this level of incompetence is physically sickening. Keep this up, and
it may only be several more titles before you've lost my support!
6. Zelda Subdued Ceremony Memory Breath
A trend you'll notice as we approach the higher rankings on this list
(that is, the least terrible) is that
they're almost all from cutscenes. This is because when the entire focus of the
game is on the voice and animation of a character, the developers are no longer
allowed to skate by crapping out the bare minimum. Such is the case for this
scene here, where Zelda gives a weary sigh that looks almost like something an
actual human would do. It's too small
a moment to carry it higher, but I'll begrudgingly admit the animation and even
the voice acting carry the motion through passably enough. Though word to the
ignorant, no doubt most of you, do be
sure to watch these scenes subbed. Everyone knows that Japanese breathing
sounds strictly superior.
5. Hinox Sleeping Breath
I find this entry to be a polarizing one. The gentle ebb and flow of
this cyclopean boss inhaling hits the deeper register of lung capacity while
remaining soft and steady, which is a balance action schlock such as this
rarely bothers with. The breathing also features somewhat passable animation,
with proper distension of the stomach and movement of the lips. That said, the
noisy rumblings that accompany the Hinox as it breathes appear dangerously
close to a snore. And don’t let xLinkBreathmastr1995x stir shit up in the
comments again, any idiot who’s spent two hours looking into polysomnography
knows that snoring and breathing are completely
different things.
4. Revali Champion's Ballad Memory Breaths
It is at this point that I shall no doubt need to educate some of you
on the distinction between breathing
and panting. Since if I don't, I
suspect you carrion-guzzling vultures will descend upon me for perceived
inconsistencies. But if any of you bumbling birdbrains would bother to THINK
for once in your lives you'd realize that panting is a subset of breathing, not a separate category! The purpose of
panting is oxygenation, same as breathing. Unlike exclamations which are a
subset of speech, and snoring which
is different in ways so obvious that I'm NOT GOING OVER THEM AGAIN.
Provided your brains are actually capable of processing that new information, we can focus on the scene itself.
Revali's panting (aka BREATHING) actually has significance within the story.
The entire intent of this scene is to show Revali at his lowest, that for all
his arrogance he must put in notable time and effort just to appear effortless.
Of course it was the only case of
breath-based character development in the Champion's Ballad, because the
subhuman Neanderthals at Nintendo are allergic to doing something right twice.
But being the kind and thoughtful soul that I am, it only seemed fair to give
the game the meagre credit it's due.
3. Zelda Blades of the Yiga Memory Breaths
Blades of the Yiga is a 45 second cutscene with no words, and audio
almost entirely restricted to breathing. This breathing manages to cover a wide
range of emotions from fatigue to fear to surprise to relief. They even
animated the lip flaps in such a way to somewhat
accurately portray the breathing in question. You may be wondering how the famously incompetent Legend of Zelda
team managed to execute breathing that wasn't terrible for once. Well I hope
you're ready to choke on humble pie you heathens, because that was all me.
That's right, unlike you boot-slurping ass-kissers I decided to
actually improve the world through
the means of criticism. Back in 2016 before pre-production on Breath of the
Wild had started, I wrote a cutting and frankly brilliant critique of the Zelda
team's subpar handling of breathing in past titles. I was sure to let Eiji Anouma
personally know what I thought about
his mother's drinking habits, which was no doubt the firm talking-to he needed
to get his head set straight. They played dumb by responding to my email with
offers of Chinese Designer Handbags For Cheap, but I know they're just trying
to avoid paying me consulting fees. That's right Nintendo, I'm calling you out!
I'm not so petty to pursue this in court, but let's just say I'd consider it. I've sent you my PayPal
information.
2. Zelda Despair Memory Breaths
Though the Blades of the Yiga memory features more of a
breathing-focus, this scene maintains its wide range while also hitting at a
more pivotal moment. The opening panting as they flee Hyrule Castle is fine,
but the main attraction is the pained breaths between sobs as Zelda confronts
her failures. Though any idiot should realize that breathing is best when
selling an emotional climax, this is one of the few occasions where Nintendo
got off their lazy asses and bothered to do it. Now I anticipate some might have
reservations of my classifying these mid-sob inhalations as breaths. "But
4LornTri4ce, surely no one would be so STUPID", you must be thinking. Alas
dear reader, I've witnessed such stupidity first-hand.
Someone once even tried to convince me that breathing mid-sob should be
counted the same way as snoring, can
you believe it?! I told him that if that's the kind of mangled misinformation
that leaks out of his disgusting buck-toothed mouth, then he'd best stop
polluting the world with his garbage and just try and crawl back inside the
gaping, bloated genitals that spawned him. And then HE got mad at ME! Isn't it
funny how sometimes supposedly "correct" people get angry and
defensive when confronted with cold hard logic, while other purportedly "incorrect"
people stay aloof and above it all? A bit telling, if you ask me.
Anyway, I suppose this entry doesn't suck too much. I guess.
1. Great Fairy Upgrade Breath
Anyone with a functioning frontal lobe could’ve predicted this would be
high on the list. Breathing with practical purpose to gameplay is rare enough,
let alone those that are given their own cutscene viewed dozens of times. The
motions of the breath are competent as well, allowing proper time to show a
full inhalation and release. The great fairies have large detailed models to
properly appreciate the drawback of their heads and the rising and falling of
their chest. And the rush of colorful particle effects and whistling sounds
sell the cool breeze as any good breath animation should.
Some would leave it there, but this breath isn’t just a pretty face
(exhaling). Truly, it is the mechanical significance that brings it to the
forefront of the list. This breath directly assists the player in bettering
themselves, an almost literal metaphor for breathing new life into someone.
Moments like these bring me back to the first time I really noticed in-game
breathing, when I got really excited over Flurrie’s blowing ability in Paper
Mario: The Thousand Year Door. My friends said I was getting excited for
different reasons, but they just didn’t understand.
Breathing is an action our brains don't notice by design, yet essential
to our very existence. This simple, understated action can convey so much
emotion and character in such a small way. Breathing is life, the connecting thread that binds us all, the undercurrent of
each action a human being takes every waking moment of their lives! When I see
a breath like this, I am reminded of all that is good and beautiful in the
world, and I wonder how anyone could possibly be discontent with a single
second they spend on this earth.
Wait a minute, I just noticed that her lips don't form the proper
O-shape during the exhale. Never mind, this breath is shit and so is anyone who
likes it.
Hahaha! This is great!
ReplyDeleteI just finished reading through your Oblivion series. I haven't had this much fun since Rutskarn!T for doing what you do.
Do you think we'll get another update on Shush again someday? I wanna know what happens next!