ANNOUNCER: “Good evening
ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for the world’s self-proclaimed most
popular game show?!”
*Applause probably!*
ANNOUNCER: “FaaaAAAAaaantastic!
Then welcome to The Completely Established and Not at All Slapdash Genericide
Super Fun Quuuuiiiiiiiiiiiz Show!”
*Applause once more!*
ANNOUNCER: “I’m your
host: Mr. Host! Are you ready to meet our three faaaAAAAaaabulous contestents?!”
*Applause all up ins this business!*
ANNOUNCER: “Then let’s get
started! First off: Contest Number One! Why don’t you introduce yourself for
these lovely folks?”
CONTESTANT #1: “Yes
hello, I am Contestant Number One. I have an average face adorned with many
features, such as eyes and a nose. Many appendages sprout from my human torso,
which I have adorned with clothing, as is our custom. My internal organs are
many and delightfully varied. I have hair.”
ANNOUNCER: “Terrific,
just terrific. I gotta say, you’ve made a real impression on me, Contestant
Number One. I look forward to seeing your no doubt wonderfully memorable
performance on today’s show! Let’s hear it for Contestant Number One!
*Just like so much applause is happening here you guys. Like oh my god,
you have no idea*
ANNOUNCER: “Now then,
next up on the schedule is…Contestant Number Two! Now Contestant Number Two, I
think we’d all like to learn about each other here tonight. Care to discuss
some of your favorite hobbies?”
CONTESTANT #2: “I can
comply with this request, for I have a number of hobbies and a functioning
mouth! Among the many hobbies that I have some of my favorites would be
accomplishing tasks, taking part in activities, and engaging in certain
sequences of actions which may ultimately result in me experiencing a state of
increased enjoyment!”
ANNOUNCER: “Excellent! Now
aint that something folks? Yes! Yes it is, by definition, ‘something’. Let’s
raise some noise for Contestant Number Two!”
*No. The applause. It’s too much applause! I can’t take all this
applause. It is consuming me. Soon it will consume you as well. All will be
applause. Applause will be all.*
ANNOUNCER: “Alrighty
then! Up next we have…hang on, still figuring this out. Running some numbers
here…carry the three…consult my charts…contemplate existence…statistics or
something…ah! Contestant Number Three! Well then Contestant Number Three, would
you care to tell us about yourself?”
CONTESTANT #3: “No.”
ANNOUNCER: “Marvelous! Audience!
Hands! For Contestant Number Three!”
*This is also a description of applause*
ANNOUNCER: “And now that
we all know so much about each other, I think it’s high time we got into
things! So let’s begin:
Question One: Why is the
author of Genericide writing this instead of making a real blog post?
Contestant Number One?”
CONTESTANT #1: “I think
it’s because of chemtrails!”
ANNOUNCER: “Fascinating,
how about that, a real interesting response! Moving right along, what’s your
answer Contestant Number Two?”
CONTESTANT #2: “I think
it’s because of our growing dependence on fossil fuels!”
ANNOUNCER: “Fascinating,
how about that, a real interesting response! And finally, what’s your answer, Contestant
Number Three?”
CONTESTANT #3: “I think
it’s because he’s stalling!”
ANNOUNCER: “Terribly
sorry Contestant Number Three, but I didn’t catch that! Could you speak up and
answer again?”
CONTESTANT #3: “I think
it’s because he’s stalling!”
ANNOUNCER: “Terribly
sorry Contestant Number Three, but I didn’t catch that! Could you speak up and
answer again?”
CONTESTANT #3: “I think
it’s because he’s stalling!”
ANNOUNCER: “Terribly
sorry…”
…
Oh alright fine.
Not much has changed. But
you know what they say: “No news is good news.” I mean, the phrase doesn’t
apply at all here, but it is a thing
people say. Progress on further articles is continuing. It’s continuing with
the steps of the world’s tiniest infant, but continuing nonetheless. Hopefully
I’ll have something with meat on its bones cooked up for you lot next week. In
the meantime, keep re-reading the last two lines of that game show scene until
satisfied.
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