Note: This one goes a little long, and is basically just me whining, so
here’s the important bit: No updates yet. Maybe not next week either. Blame
computer stuff. kthanxbai
I considered starting
this post with a big hulking paragraph of parable all just to set up for my
usual joke about inconsistent updates. Then I realized if I were making a
metaphor for disappointment, the cleverest thing to do would be disappointing
you! Actually, that’s a lie. I just got lazy. Hey, whaddaya know, mission still
accomplished! I think I’ve found the perfect excuse, guys. That’s the real reason I don’t update with a full
post each week, obviously. It’s not that I can’t be arsed to kick my cerebrum
into gear, it’s that the whole thing is a deep
artistic statement. An incredibly convenient deep artistic
statement.
Right right, real reasons
as follows: Remember in my last update post how I said I was going to build a
computer? Remember how I also said that I have the technical aptitude of a time
traveler from King Arthur’s court, in an ingenious set-up for comedic hijinx on
the big screen? Well, those two details combined into a cocktail of slapstick
sorrow exactly as you’d expect. Apart from the movie thing. This den of
frustration and sadness was projected only onto the grim tableau that was my
last week. Admit One: Disappointment. Showing times at 4:00, 6:30 and 9:00.
Okay the metaphor is starting to break down, and I confess it might be a tad
melodramatic. I just wanted to use the phrase grim tableau, okay?
The grimness of my
tableau aside, it really has been an aggravating and unrewarding experience. My
week has been roughly split into the following thirds, apart from sleep and my
day job: One third has been staring hopelessly at a mass of parts, manuals and
help forums, eyes wide and weary and heart awash with regret. Another third has
been spent harumphing off to do something else while pointedly ignoring the
tidy debris that has aggressively consumed my room. Ignoring these things is
hard, because I’ve got like 5 square feet of floor space not occupied by screws,
cords, washers, boxes, bigger screws, manuals, screwdrivers, displaced
knicknacks, and screws.
Last but not least, the
final third. A constant war has been raging in this room over the preceding
week. Two combatants of unparalleled force have waged a ceaseless battle here.
The first of these mighty metaphorical martial masters was myself. The second
was my incredible aptitude for stupidity. The truth is I can’t blame all my
troubles on some malicious third party. I doubt there are executives at
computer parts manufacturers out to spite me. No one is placing hidden cameras so
they can cackle at my frustration as they sit down to their breakfast bowl of
Sorr-Os.
Turns out having no
knowledge of how to build a computer makes it hard to build one, even with the
aid of online guides. I expected that. What I really should’ve accounted for
was that this could take much longer than I thought. Or that as a person not
particularly fond of physical arts and crafts/building projects, I would...well,
hate is such a strong word. Accurate,
however, is much easier to say!
The takeaway here is that
my frustration is mostly my own fault. So no, I can’t blame anyone for the
irritating journey that was this week.
...
...but damnit, I can try.
Though it didn’t have
much effect on assembly, I just want to go on record that absolutely every
piece of computer hardware on the market has been inflicted with a horrible
epidemic of Fantastically Stupid Names. These twisted titles make 1337-speaking
teens look like your English teacher. Even fluffy animal memes would gaze upon
these train wrecks of written communication and return a paper with “wow, such
seeing me after class.”
Graphics cards have it
the worst, where the disease is sadly terminal. Usually the layman can wade
through this literary sludge with effort, but the arcane markings that adorn
GPU packages were not meant for mortal men to comprehend. Thankfully, the
issues of purchasing were waylaid by my helpful companions, whose minds have
been tempered by years of careful research, cultural osmosis, and generally
giving a shit. I enlisted their aid to transcribe these ancient hieroglyphics, so
buying parts was slightly stressful, but fine. The same cannot be said for
physical assembly.
The manuals for these
computer parts have varied wildly in usefulness. Some of them have clear and
concise instructions with helpfully labeled diagrams. Others are about as
understandable as GPU names. I once saw a diagram that featured nothing but various
unlabeled plugs being shoved into appropriate connections in a white void. No
context to show me where the connection is. No labels to show me what type of
plug it is, or where to find it. The text for that segment, in about 40
different languages, merely said: “Connect cables to internal connectors.” Who is this for? Some parts of this
process assumed that I already knew what I was doing, how everything worked,
proper precautions to be taken, the correct correspondence courses that need to
be taken as prerequisites, the proper color clothing to receive a 30% Feng shui
bonus towards computer assembly, etc. Meanwhile, someone saw fit to waste half
a page letting me know that the 24-pin cable goes in the connection with 24
slots.
The only resource less
equipped to tell me things than manuals was the internet. Googling anything
about computer parts leads to dozens upon dozens of reviews saying more or less
the exact same things about how they perform. Then deep amidst the pit of people
fussing about the ergonomic design of casings there will be a couple emaciated
forum posts with sorta kinda somewhat similar problems to mine. These posts had
two variants. In the first every post was by the same person, their question
unanswered or later replaced by the ever reviled “Nevermind fixed it.” The
second type was an unending avalanche of suffocating technical speak and performance
comparisons that went miles above my head. When I eventually unraveled scarce
hints of normal communication from these, they were inevitably about things far
higher-level than my dumbass queries on how to plug shit in.
I spent an embarrassing
amount of time trying to affix my CPU fan. It had a confusing looking whatsit
that I guess is called an x-bracket, more things to attach and connect than all
the other far more expensive parts and approximately twice as many kinds of
screws assembly actually required. It wouldn’t have been that bad were it not
for two factors: 1. The manual was entirely in diagrams, and not particularly
clear ones at that. 2. It took me hours and dozens of forum posts until someone
mentioned that the screws on the x-bracket were adjustable. Turns out I just
had to push them in from the underside and slide them over and suddenly they
fit perfectly. This fact was not mentioned anywhere else, including the manual,
not even in picture form. Hell, in the forum post in question it was an offhand
comment. Thus 4 hours were spent on a twenty minute task. Trust me, I’m more embarrassed
about it than you are.
So to recap: Fun times
were not had. And I fully realize that most of these things don’t shift blame
from me. But when you’ve had a long and frustrating experience, realizing it
was all because you’re a moron doesn’t typically improve your mood. So this week, instead of real content you got to
listen to me bitch and moan about my computer incompetence.
Um...you’re welcome?
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