A Pocket-Sized Surprise

Hello there, fellow Gamers™! Do you like to see numbers go up so much you don’t pay attention to what those numbers do? Do you have a lot of disposable income and a voracious appetite for things you’re told are cutting edge? Are you a major shareholder at a tech company who we’re actually advertising to? Then have I got great news for you! We’ve been developing revolutionary new technology which uses the magic of Generative AI. We mean that literally, because as they say: “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” And we know this tech is too advanced for your dumb asses, because we don’t even understand it!

So what are we using this literal, actual, genuine magic to do? We take the most artistically interesting, highly detailed video game graphics...and just paint new ones over them! That’s right, no longer will you have to worry if a game’s art style is good or bad, because we’ll just replace them all with the same art style! What’s more it...hang on a minute. I’m getting some feedback on this parody bit...mm-hm...uh-huh...I see. Well then.

It appears this has already been done.

A reminder this is meant to just upscale something to higher resolution.

Not only has this already been done, but it’s been critiqued and parodied so much that I wouldn’t even be able to preach to the choir, because they’ve already gone deaf. No problem, I can find something else to satirize this year, let’s just take a look back through some other recent controversies. Let’s see, we have some games getting complaints for replacing content with generative AI...some game review sites getting complaints for replacing content with generative AI...and complaints about how gaming hardware is getting more expensive due to very stupid policies...and generative AI.

A pattern emerges.

I’m going to be honest, I’m having trouble writing an April Fool’s parody right now. Even without the generative elephant in the room, it feels like most current problems with the games industry are problems in every industry. Why complain about, for example, gambling in games when actual gambling is so ubiquitous people are betting on what war will start next? It feels like we all agree that The Bad Things are bad at this point, so to make satire that’s both light-hearted, topical and novel would take a lot of time to write.

Bad news: I did not leave myself a lot of time to write.

All the same, I don’t want to leave you with nothing this year again. Even if no one’s watching, I like pretending I can do creative writing on an annual basis. It also feels a little tacky to break the streak when the last time I did I was literally in the middle of having an eye removed.

And I feel like I can only use this excuse two or three more times before you catch on.

So what else could I possibly write about? What, in games, do I even want to talk about? What have I even been doing this whole time?

…

Well...

...have you heard about Pokemon Nuzlockes?

...It’s “A Flawless Topic Transition”!

The “Nuzlocke” is perhaps the most well-known challenge run in all of games, for its most profitable franchise. The basic rules are simple: You can only catch one Pokemon in each new area, and if any of them are defeated, they can’t ever be used again. The strange name comes from an old series of forum posts where the Pokemon Nuzleaf was named after John Locke from TVs Lost, but similar perma-death challenges have been around for ages. Yet in the past decade Nuzlockes have exploded in popularity, with lots of videos from big content creators and even a small group of people who make their living solely producing content on the challenge.

There are a lot of reasons Nuzlockes stand out from other self-imposed challenges. Pokemon is immensely popular, shorter than most RPGs, and has a ton of build variety from all its creature combinations. So lots of people like replaying it, but they come across a problem: Pokemon is easy. The interesting thing is it doesn’t have to be easy. Pokemon has a thriving competitive scene, uniquely possible because the combat is based on you and your opponents, even in single-player, having access to the same resources. Some games even had quite difficult challenges to tackle after credits, but the main game is always balanced with kids in mind. The creators have also refused to include difficulty settings except for one time that...well, put a pin in that for later.

I know writers who use subtext...

Even before I knew about Nuzlockes, I regularly replayed Pokemon games. So it’s only natural that I would gravitate towards the challenge when it started getting popular. It’s filled an MMO-shaped hole in my heart since I quit World of Warcraft, alternating sections of tension with cozy grinding sessions while my ears are occupied elsewhere. I liked it enough that I started to do what are colloquially known as “hardcore” Nuzlockes. A cringe yet succinct summary of a few common modifiers: No leveling past the next boss, no using consumable items in battle, and play on Set mode, meaning you don’t get to freely switch your party members each time you get a KO. With these rules in place, even Pokemon games become a genuine challenge that I really enjoyed.

Until I beat all of them.

Oops.

It didn’t happen overnight. But there’s something else in Pokemon I wanted to write about, something which has been in development hell for...erm, 6 years. In researching that I’ve played through every main series Pokemon game, so while I was at it I cleared Nuzlockes of all of them. All I have left at this point are the direct sequels I’ve never played: Pokemon Black/White 2 and Pokemon Ultra Sun/Moon. Which brings us to my point: Want to read a Let’s Play of my Pokemon Black 2 Nuzlocke?

...what do you mean no?

Look, I get it. Is this idea particularly April Fool’s themed? No. Is this idea at all topical? No. Does it have any broad appeal? No. Does anyone want to read written Let’s Play content in the year 2026? No. But let me offer you a counter-point: Is anyone reading blogs at all in the year 2026? NO. So I’m going to write about it anyway, and if my 2 to 3 readers don’t like it they can leave now!

...wait don’t actually leave the post is starting, c’mon I take it back just give me a-

A Porcine Prologue

Pokemon Black/White 2 is unique in several ways. It’s a direct sequel whose story builds on the original Black/White, albeit in a way that new players can still follow. From what I hear, it’s also one of the hardest games in the series to Nuzlocke. A worthy challenge for I, who have nobly endured the savage trials and tribulations of these video games for children. In fact, remember how I alluded to just one game in the entire series having difficulty settings? I can understand if you don’t, I was very subtle about it.

...and they’re all cowards.

Well those games are Black/White 2! In the 30 years of Pokemon, they’re the only games with genuine, honest-to-goodness difficulty options!

...it’s just a shame they’re terrible.

First off, there’s only one difficulty setting per version. White 2 has an Easy mode, and Black 2 has a Hard mode. Really weird and obnoxious thing to gatekeep behind different physical products. Second off, they don’t actually work. Specifically, they raise or lower the levels of enemies, but it’s been found that the stats of these enemies don’t change with the levels like normal. Plus, since you gain increased experience for defeating higher level foes, you’re naturally rubber-banded towards a normal curve. The one thing that seems genuinely tougher is that bosses on hard mode have new teams with different moves and extra party members. So can we at least enjoy that? Nope!

Because difficulty modes are unlocked by beating the entire game.

Yes, including Easy mode.

...so we start our completely normal play-through of Black 2 in Aspertia City. Side note, the music for this area is delightful. Pokemon soundtracks are consistently excellent, so it’s a real treat after all my playing and replaying to find one I’d missed out on for a decade and a half. One habit I’ve taken up through all my Nuzlockes is randomly selecting my starter, which leaves us with the humble fire swine Tepig*. Another habit is selecting a theme for nicknames, because it’s fun to name things but after several hundred a guideline is appreciated. And thus, the tale of Porkrop begins.

*If you don’t know what a Tepig is, alas I must direct you to our online information super-highway. There are dozens of these beasts I catch alone, so our tour will not be stopping to admire the fauna.

Though a lot of the scenery in these games is familiar territory from Black/White, they make the wise decision to stage the first 1/5th in new areas with fresh encounters. It’s there I encounter Silklis the Sewaddle and Billib the Psyduck, creating a nice diverse Fire/Water/Grass core right off the bat...Vestsev the Patrat is also here.

Surprisingly, that’s all we get before the first gym. Only 4 party members out of 6 before the first boss is unusually small, but not unheard of. Some early-game Nuzlockes end up a bit stingy because they spread a wide variety of creatures per-area in a smaller number of areas. I’m sure it won’t be an issue past this gym.

...wait a minute.

Teacher Cheren and his Normal-types are our first major roadblock, and despite the name they pose two ab-normal threats. The first is that this gym’s signature move, Work Up, raises the user’s attacking stats. If we need to switch someone out and they spend the turn boosting there might be no way to prevent punching a hole in our pitifully puny party. The final wrinkle is that in this series of games, generation 5, they buffed one of the most common starting moves, Tackle. Combined with Same-Type-Attack-Bonus it can pack a surprising punch for how early this is, and this is one generation before critical hit damage was reduced from 2x to 1.5x. So hopefully we don’t get…

Oh, thank you for the demonstration.

Fortunately, I planned around a crit and Cheren must’ve skipped the lesson on set-up moves, because he never once clicked Work Up. Zero casualties, one badge down.

As a quick aside, Cheren and Bianca, who in this game gives you your starter, are former rivals from Black/White. They don’t have much impact on the plot, but you can call both at any time for some mildly useful info. In particular I like that Cheren can tell what the abilities of Pokemon do in more detail. It’s a nice diagetic way to convey things you’d normally never know about without being one of those freaks who has the wiki open at all times. Alas during Nuzlockes, I am one of those freaks, so we won’t be paying much on our phone bill.

A Song and a Sewer

Our next stop is the port town of Vibrank City, south of which lies a complex with several really sweet Electric and Fire-type Pokemon. Instead of those we get sentient gas ball Koffing, who we name Smogoms. Though not my preference it’s still a new type, and we’ll surely get something cool for our next encounter, which is…

...hm.

Where is our next encounter?

I feel like we’ve been here before.

Yes, that’s right. Before the first gym you can catch a max of four Pokemon, and before the second gym you can catch a max of five. Now I can say for sure this is the stingiest a game has ever been with encounters. Fortunately, we already have everything we need.

Rocker Roxie may spit vile Venoshocks, but with only two Poison-type partners the plan is simple. First our Billib’s Confusion gives her Koffing a lethal headache. Then Smogoms resistances allow it to soften up her Whirlipede enough that Porkrop can burn the bug to bits in a single blow. Without missing a beat, we snag the second badge completely risk-free.

Shortly after we board a boat to the massive metropolis of Castelia City, and our party options finally open up. Between the city, outside it, and in sewers underneath it, we have four new areas to poach new partners. First we have Bitetib the Rattata, who at first glance seems like a carbon copy of our first-route rodent Vestsev. They’re both Normal-types with access to STAB Return, dark-type coverage in Crunch, HP-halving Super Fang and Thunder Wave for catching. The difference is in their passive abilities. Whereas Vestsev has Illuminate, which harms more than helps with an increased encounter rate, Bitetib has Guts, which gives a massive 1.5x to all damage when they’re inflicted with a negative status. If they ever have a chance to use it they’re either going to crush a fight or have it backfire spectacularly.

I am getting WAY more use out of this than I expected.

Feeleef the Audino is a rare encounter that only appears in randomly shaking grass. I ran into it totally by accident when trying to get a normal encounter, because unfortunately it’s strictly worse than all the less-rare fare around it. Much more exciting is Hexagaxeh the Roggenrola. This sturdy Rock-type has the ability...Sturdy, which prevents it from dropping below 1 HP in a single hit. It can’t fully evolve in our play-through because its final form is locked behind trading to another player. But its min-maxed stats are still great for most of the game and an ability that prevents us from being one-shot is incredible in a Nuzlocke. It’ll almost certainly be useful somewhere, assuming I don’t make any stupid mistakes.

PLEASE STOP.

Finally we have Shadedahs the Sandile, and this might be our coolest cohort yet, and not just because it’s literally wearing sunglasses. It’s fast and strong, has a great Dark/Ground typing, and two incredible passive abilities. The one we get is Moxie, which raises its Attack for each opponent it defeats. From what I remember in Black/White this guy matches up incredibly to this region’s final boss rush, so with Moxie on top it could be the one that saves the run. All we need to do is have it survive through dozens of hours of fights to the end without making a single serious misplay.

...I’m not using the image but it’s implied.

With our animal army assembled I bust open Burgh’s Bug-type building and find a pleasant surprise: The place has its own theme music. I thought that had just been a one-time gimmick for Roxie, since she’s a musician, but no. Every gym in Black/White 2 has it’s own unique remix of the song, a cool feature that as far as I know, is completely unique to this game. The gym theming in Black/White 2 is great in general, with varied puzzles and unique environments among the best in the series. But enough about the set dressing, it’s time for the main course.

These gyms are packed with variety even in the first few, which helps distract from the fact that your pets might get murdered.

Though our artistic antagonist Burgh insists they’re an insectophile, two of their three monsters are Bug/Grass-type. Not only does Smogoms resist both these types, they take quadruple damage from Fire. So we begin with an arsenic appetizer from Smogoms, follow-up with a Water-type wash from Billib to defeat Dwebble’s Bug/Rock combo, and finally have Porkrop inimitably incinerate the insect queen Leavanny. In three easy steps we’ve called the exterminator on Burgh for our third badge.

And I think that’s where we’ll leave off today. That’s right, it’s a series now, deal with it. I’m going to tentatively promise new posts once a week from today. But you’re not allowed to get mad if I miss one, because it’s technically 52 times faster than I normally update. We’re only about a third of the way in and fights only get more complicated, so we’ll need a few more entries to see this thing through...assuming I don’t make a couple wrong decisions in a row and fail the whole challenge.