An Unrestrained Ramble on the Inconvenience of Icicles

…this was probably a bad idea.

These were the thoughts of our stalwart hero, me, as I stared directly into a pit of razor-sharp, pointed icicle stalagmites (stalagmicicles, if you will). I was suspended upside down on a thin cord of rope, whose two ends were attached to opposing walls of a very tall, icy chamber. I could tell you immediately and promptly whether or not I made it across the deadly pit to the ledge that was sticking out of one side. In fact, if you stop munching on narrative tension long enough to take a refreshing sip of common sense, you can probably deduce the answer right now. But it would probably be more satisfying if I put off that impending tension for a bit while I dodder off back to how this all began, right? Shut up, it so would. So let’s go back in time a bit…

An Unrestrained Ramble On the Unreliability of Doctors

It all started a single couple of few months ago.

I was hanging around in my room, relaxing after a recent bounty hunter job wherein I slew a horde of a thousand furious gargoyles. But enough about my boring personal life. The point is I was doing not much at all but hanging around, basking in the midday sunshine streaming in through my window. I was also thinking about how I would probably update my blog soon because I am clearly (but for a few rare exceptions), incredibly punctual and not at all lazy about these things.

It was at this point that I felt a strange sensation in my upper chest. As I wondered if my diet of snack food and chocolate might actually be causing what it logically should all the time, the sensation worked its way up my throat. There was a very brief pressure in my mouth and…

*ZAWUMPH*

Rogue Legacy Review

Two months.

Two full months it’s been since I’ve delivered my irrelevant opinions to you via the medium of a winding online diatribe. It’s not been for lack of video game related happenings in my life, either. Things have kept happening. They never stop keep happening no matter how much I will them to do otherwise. It’s just that for whatever reason in the midst of all these happenings I haven’t acquired sufficient motivation to write about any of them. But now I have.

So while I will probably have an “explanation” for my absence before long as per my typical operating procedure, in the meantime let’s talk about Rogue Legacy.

You return to this title screen every time you die. So a lot. (Don’t worry, there’s a catch).

Some Top Songs from Games I’ve Never Played

What I’m actually doing with my free time and what I post about on the blog, even when I’m playing plenty of games, is not necessarily always related. A lot of games I play aren’t worth posting about on the blog, not because they’re bad but just because I don’t have much to say about them. Alternatively, I might have things to say about something but I was busy at the time while it still held my interest, or I have so much I could say that the task seems daunting, or perhaps I simply don’t have a ton of free time and/or manage it poorly. The point is, this blog tends to run on a VG Cats rate of updating of whenever the hell I feel like it, and a similar content system of whatever the hell I feel like writing about.

This is how, despite having tons of games I could be talking about, I ended up formulating another list article on oddly specific game music. I was downloading a video game track from a game I’d never actually played the other day, and whilst listening considered that this was actually something I did fairly often. I view a lot of stuff on the internet about video games, and thus find out a lot about games that I’ve never personally played. Sometimes games have particular note made of their soundtracks, of these a smaller portion I will actually one day look up on YouTube, and of these an even smaller portion I will choose to download for re-listening later, despite never having played the game in question.

Spoiler Alert: Sometimes there’s a good reason for that.

An Unrestrained Ramble On The Slaying of Sand Beasts

“…well fuck, this will really screw up my updating schedule on the blog.”

This was one of the primary thoughts on my mind as I lay trapped in a steel container buried below the desert miles away from civilization, as I could feel the vibrations of a hundred hungry sand beasts burrowing towards my iron coffin. The other main musings on my mind concerned ways to escape a steel container buried in a desert of hungry sand beasts, the amount of oxygen a vaguely human shaped steel container contained, and related matters. I mean, granted, that wasn’t all that was going on up there. I was also considering whether or not I’d had left the lights on at home. In the back of my mind I was also remembering that one song, y’know, that one that goes “dah nah daah duh nah daah nuh, dah nah daah duh nah daah nuh, daah nuuh dah”, or something along those lines. And I think I was also absentmindedly noting how I kind of had to pee at the time and…

…I feel I’ve gotten off track somewhat. What was I talking about again?

Oh right, the desert! And the steel box. And the giant robot. No wait, that last one was a different time.

Generiversary

I normally am against shorter updates to this blog, but today I’m going to make an exception. No not because I’m being lazy, because it’s the one-year anniversary of the blog being made! That’s completely different! Anyway, to celebrate this event, I’m going to briefly go over what I’ve actually managed to accomplish in that time, because I’m sure all of you love reading self-congratulatory statistics about a strangers writing accomplishments on the internet.

“…what? Oh…yeah. We’re, uh, all so interested in that. Please go on, we’re on the edge of our seats.”

On Old-School Difficulty in Games

Hero Man has had a difficult journey. His home village was burned down leaving no one but his plucky childhood love interest and himself left alive. He uncovered the ancient Sword of Stabbin’ Shit in a tomb filled with unruly undead. He recovered the Seven Seals of Seriously Significant Sorcery from all across the world. He’s performed hundreds of inane tasks in between, from rescuing kittens to killing rats to dealing with more fetch quests than any mortal man should ever have to see. He’s fought snakes and skeletons and sirens, demons and dragons and doppelgangers, Cyclops and cultists and centaurs, mummies and minotaurs and manticores and much much more. He’s been through hell and back, possibly literally, and is finally about to finish his epic quest. Atop of Mount Merciless, in the upper spire of the Castle of Catastrophe, our hero is finally about to put a stop to the evil sorcerer and save the entire world from his wrath, once and ffffffffffffffff-

-FFFUCK! I missed the jump again!

Depending on what type of game this is there are multiple possible outcomes as to what happens next. But if it’s an old-school game, I can sure as hell tell which outcome is most likely. And that’s that you won’t be getting to the conclusion of your quest without throwing at least half an hour of your life out the window. And if it’s me in this situation, then that half an hour won’t come until I muddle through a few minutes of muffled profanity, or alternatively just up and quit. Maybe I’ll come back, but maybe I won’t.

I don’t want to point any fingers, but the first half of this sentence is a bold-faced lie.